Are You Sabotaging Your Own Healing?

Samuel shares a few ways we sabotage our own healing.

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Sabotage

Hi. I watched to video about ways we can sabotage our healing, very helpful. As the betrayed spouse, I'm not trying to focus on the past, but my spouse still loves the affair partner, so it's not exactly "past". Have you made a video addressing this issue?

can you be more specific...

i probably have my friend, but specifically about what so that i can pin point it?  thanks for posting and watching.

 

Sabatoge

Thank you for the reply! I guess how does this work ...The fact that my husband loves someone else, but wants to work things out. How do I "get over" the fact that he doesn't only love me? Does that make sense?

sabatoge

I guess..I suppose it's part of the process that he still "loves" this other person. How long will this last? Are most unfaithful spouses in love with their affair partner? Do you have video entitled "When your spouse still loves the affair partner"?

great, tough questions....

ewinheim, great hard hitting questions.  it's possible to love our affair partner and our spouse.  it just is.   it's not healthy and it's not right per se, but we can love both.  now, i will tell you that often times we think we love our affair partner, but it's emotion.  it's fantasy.  its escapism.  we just cant see it as we're too enamored with the idea of escaping reality and hard times in life.  so we want to escape and simply be selfish and get our needs met and not worry about bills, mortgages, real life, responsibilities and the like.  we want some form of distraction from real life and all the crap that seems to surround us in adulthood.  they can love them or think they love them, but what they will need to break free is:

1. expert help  2. a plan from an expert  3. time to detox from the affair partner  4. a plan to detox and go to a no contact approach where they agree to and are held accountable to a zero contact rule for a set amount of time to gain insight on where they want to be and if the betrayed spouse can forgive and they can start new life together.  it's a process.  we do all of this at the ems weekend.  does this help?  

Committed

I have spoken with my spouse about the EMS weekend. He's not sold on it. I also suggested the online course and he does not seem very interested in that either. I have made other suggestions to help start the recovery process and for one reason or another he doesn't like the ideas. He says he's committed, but I'm not sure. What would be the signs to know that the unfaithful is really committed and not just saying that to "save face"? Thank you for doing these. I'm truly thankful for the work you guys do. What a light in a time of darkness.

good questions.....

hi there.  thank you for posting and commenting.  reality is elsie, he shouldn't be in charge of what you need and don't need.  for him to be disinterested, it may be birthed out of great fear or just typical resistance, but what you allow you encourage.  what you tolerate you encourage.  so if he gets to say no, and you will only allow that, then perhaps you need to consider taking a stand and deciding you're no longer willing to live this way.  he may be saving face.  he may be genuinely afraid of coming.  he may be simply scared to be made fun of.  but the proof is in what he's willing to do.  if he's not willing to get help, then to me, it's pretty clear he's not willing to do whatever it takes to help you heal and recover.  if he's committed, it will show by a willingness to do, simply put, 'whatever it takes.'  does that make sense?

 

Committed

Yes, that makes sense. It's hard because you have to be ready for them to "not step up to the plate". Again..thanks. It's quite ministry you guys have. Do not grow weary in doing what is right. You guys are helping a lot people!

Thanks and question

Samuel,
As an unfaithful spouse, I cannot thank you enough for sharing your story, experience, and guidance for others. It has helped my wife and I immeasurably. In this video and others, you mention the importance of having an accountability partner. I can definitely see how this is helpful, and I have someone who will be a great one for me. He has not experienced infidelity, but is a trusted, sympathetic, and understanding friend. My question is this. How exactly do the interactions with your accountability work? What do I ask or tell him when we are doing our accountability work? What should he ask or tell me? Any guidance you can provide would be very helpful.

Thank you again for sharing everything.

suggestions....

my pleasure michael.  thank you for the kind words and great encouragement.  for starters, maybe find a book you both love and go through it together and then do the questions together at the end of the chapters if you go that route.  that will be great 'lead ins' to healthy conversation.  if you need that kinda lead in and help to get it going.  i would also tell him you don't need or want 'advice' when it comes to the infidelity aspect but more along the lines of everyday life and helping you stay accountable to sobriety (not that your an addict) but not acting out.  whatever that means to you.  for some it's porn, for some it's strip clubs, for some it's flirting, or a specific affair partner making sure you're not talking to them or anyone like that.  holding you accountable from relapse which can be any behavior that leads you away from your spouse and away from recovery principles of honesty, faithfulness, no unaccounted for time, etc.  he gets to ask you anything he wants.  he gets to ask you anytime he feels he needs to about whatever is a sensitive topic.  

my guys will ask, hows samantha?  how you and samantha doing?  that'a lead in.  if we've fought, i share it.  if we're great i share it.  if i'm sour and really upset about her or something about our marriage, i'll tell him.  hes safer than an affair partner, or member of the opposite sex and with him (or other guys) i can be gut level honest.  he /they commit to not shame me or condem me but to process with me and help bring me out of darkness and deception.  

ok, so am i giving you what you were looking for?  it's been a long day and i don't want to ramble, so help me know if this is what you mean and need and want?  hahaha. sorry.  just wanna make sure i don't waste your time. 

 

Great Blog (As Always)

I'm the betrayed spouse. I watch this blog (and others like it) and immediately think how my wife could benefit from this information. Does this necessarily mean that I am sabotaging my own recovery by focusing on her healing? Maybe I have blind spots that are preventing me from seeing things that I still need to work on?

I realize the irony in this, but it's always the first thing that comes to mind (i.e. How much my wife needs to see/hear/read certain information) and I always struggle with knowing that I need to focus on myself, but wanting her to be in a better place to help me heal.

good question....not simple...

hi jmh78....i think it's somewhat normal to think that way.  we want to help our spouse.  we want to save our marriage and family.  so we hear something that touches an issue and we think, yes they need to hear that.  it's not a blanket statement that you hear something that's relative to your spouse and you're immediately being self righteous or sabotaging your healing.  however, if you're fixating on what they need, never working on your own recovery or if you're only focused on what they need, but not what you need and what changes/healing/awareness you need, perhaps just being more open is part of the answer and being more self aware is an adjustment you need to make.  it's a normal part of life that we hear something and we think it would be great to have our spouse hear it.  it's all about the heart.  we care we love we want the best for them.  we also have to be aware of what we need in life and in recovery as well.  hope that answers your question well.  thanks for posting and watching. 

 

Can you...

...please give me few examples of blind spots?

sure...

for starters, i have a blind spot of how i can be rough and aggressive and hurt samantha's feelings all the time.  she can get wounded and i'm blind to how abrasive i can be.  i also have a bit of a blind spot to how wrapped up i can be in my own world and am not always attune to what is going on in her world. 

unfaithful spouses often times are blind to what their spouse is feeling.  they are blinded by their own shame and pain, not aware of their betrayed spouse's hurt and wounding.  or the betrayed can have a blind spot to the fact that their spouse has been reaching out to them for months for sex, but they have been wrapped up in the kids' world or work or this and that and they are a bit blind to what their spouse has been feeling:  rejection, insecurity disconnection.  

are these helping? 

 

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