If You Have Forgiven Your Spouse Should You Still Have to Talk about It?

Samuel addresses one of the chief myths of recovering from infidelity.

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The timelines for recovery

The timelines for recovery always depress me. I am 2.5 years from a first D-Day of finding out about a secret friendship my husband had with another woman. This led to eventually finding out his other secrets (he swore there wasn't anything else he was hiding) and found out about his long-term, emotional & physical affair and also about his frequenting strip clubs. So, we are now about 2 years since the last D-Day and I am still heart-broken. Yes, we are working on ourselves, our relationship, counseling, affair recovery, etc. He is remorseful. It isn't as bad as it was. But right now it seems like I'm never going to get to the place where I really love him again - not without reservation, not whole-heartedly. How do other people get there in mere months? How do you get there at all? And how can you get there if you don't keep talking about it and working on it? I know it's frustrating but what else can you do? If it's been 2, 3 or 4 years do you just throw in the towel & say it's never going to work?

every situation is different and has nuances to it

hi kmc.  the fact that it appears you have had multiple d days and you were lied to at least once or twice, makes it harder.  that's just the truth.  people heal in months when there is one d day and it's a rather clean type of disclosure process.   when someone swears there isn't more, then there is, it really does a number on the betrayed spouse.  it can take years to heal for sure when there is that level of deception.  what sort of work are you doing on the website?  what work have you done for your own personal trauma care, as, often times if you feel traumatized, ptsd ish....it will take longer to heal for sure.  i don't believe in the 'it's never going to work' card unless the unf will not do the work and will not live and be honest.  if they will, there is great hope.  does this make sense?

 

Thank you for your concern Samuel

What you say does make sense. I guess I never really realized before writing my comments that I have had multiple D-Days and betrayals. And it is so hard for me to reconcile the lies with what I thought was our life. As far as the work we've done - we have done Affair Recovery bootcamp, EMS weekend, Harboring Hope, and the EMS Married for Life group calls. We are still in touch with our group although we haven't been active for the past few months. My husband is looking for an accountability partner. We get both personal & couples counseling. I've read many, many books on healing from affairs, relationships, compassion, forgiveness, etc. I was involved in a local BAN group (Beyond Affairs Network) for awhile. On top of that I have been working on spending time doing things I'm interested in. I've heard it's not necessarily time that heals but what you do with your time. I am awaiting that magic moment when I can say enough time has passed, enough work has been done and I am now free of this emotional baggage.

multiple d days.....

hi kmc.  whenever there are multiple d days, you can basically and easily double the difficulty involved.  it completely starts the clock over and creates more doubt and more suspicions etc.  i know it's overwhelming and i'm terribly sorry that it's so hard. 

 

You are so very right Samuel.

You are so very right Samuel. Each one was exponentially more difficult to handle, and every lie piled on doubled that. The breaking of trust while in the middle of honestly trying to rebuild it is nothing short of devastating. Its so sad that a complete confession and turnaround is not the norm in infidelity. So much pain could be avoided by NOT doing the very thing that the unfaithful convince themselves would avoid pain.
kmc, I am so sorry that you are here with us. But take solace in knowing you will find support here.

Thank you

The one year anniversary of my husband's affair ending is coming up and I've really been struggling with feeling stuck. I still think about it daily although the pain is not as bad. Our marriage is wonderful now, but I can't figure out how to move past this. Several months ago my husband told me he didn't want to talk about it anymore because it was painful for him to talk about. Since then I have respected his wishes, but I feel very alone in my pain and I seem to be moving backwards rather than forward. This video was very helpful for me to watch. I was just referred to your website by a friend and I want to thank you for the work you are doing!! I've only just begun to dig into all the resources, but what I have found so far has been very helpful!!

so glad you're here....a few thoughts....

hi bridgette.  a few things.  1. anniversaries are always tough.  it brings it up all over again and hurts like hell.  this video will help: 

https://www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/how-do-you-handle-anniversaries-discovering-infidelity https://www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/d-day-when-anniversaries-attack unfortunately it's incredibly selfish for him to not want to talk about it because it's too painful for 'him' since he was the unfaitful.  that's typically due to shame and an inability to show empathy or compassion as he's making it about him not you and this article series will help:  https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-recovery-understanding-the-paralysis-of-shame  that will help to read that and understand it more.  to help with feeling alone in your pain, i would give some though to doing the harboring hope course to help you heal.  you can find that here:  https://www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope   see what you think and we'll continue the dialogue.  so glad you're here and found the site.