Are You Safe Enough for Your Marriage? Part 6: Un-Managed Anger

Samuel continues his current series in safety, while addressing un-managed anger in recovery.

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Respect

Thanks for another great video. I as a betrayed spouse, still struggle greatly with bouts of anger. It has been 14 months since our final d-day. There were multiple infidelities over a decade. I am loving the progress we have made together and the work my husband is doing on himself is promising and reassuring. Unfortunately, I still struggle with feelings of anger, resentment and sadness. I truly am heartbroken over all of this. Honestly I feel like an anchor of negativity dragging us down. I am wondering did it take your wife years to see you as a man with honor that she could respect and feel truly safe with. Is she able to look back at the past and see happiness even though infidelity was present. The sadness and anger are trigggered very easily when I think about our past

extremely normal...

hi there.  it's very normal.  don't let yourself be too hard on yourself, because it takes about 18 to 24 months.  the wounds you've suffered emotionally are gut wrenching. they don't just disappear, and they won't simply go away, even at 14 monhts.  they take time and work and effort and healing.  early on, we're just trying to find normalcy and get our feet under us.  sometimes we think we're healed and were not (yet).  sometimes, we deal with it differently.  i would keep doing recovery work and keep reading and keep pressing in, and work on what needs to be healed.  maybe it's deeper trauma healing, maybe it's another layer of forgiveness, maybe it's anger management.  but don't let it stop you from seeing that you're gaining ground, and getting better, but it's not easy and you're not 'behind schedule.'  you're probably coming up against a new progression of healing and forgiveness is the way out.  it's not a one time forgiveness, it's progressive in nature.  that i assure you. 

Feeling toward my mate

Im in the same place as happygirl2018 and i have the same questions. Will i ever look at him with respect and love that i used to have? Right now, im so dissapointed and i cant even look at him the way i used to both literally and emotionally. If i stay this way, im tortureing both of us, making him feel bad for what he has done to us and making me wonder if i shoild end thid marriage.
Im 19 month in with his emotional affairs lasted one year with two different girls and the newest information came out 7 month ago. We both complefed classes of HH.

Validation

Samuel, Videos such as this one led me to Affair Recovery, I am presently in Bootcamp, but also listening to your teachings. It is how I begin my day and end my day, thank you for yours and Samantha's lifeline. I am so hungry for each session, but am spending an incredible amount of time trying to copy down each one. There probably isn't any way to make it easier? I was wondering if you would someday consider writing a book with all of your wisdom. You are able to condense your teachings, no frills, which is why I don't want to miss a single sentence. You and Samantha are the best thing that has happened to me in a long, long time, so thank you again!

wow broken wing, that means a ton...

thank you so much for your kind words.  a book is in the works, but it's been slow moving for a variety of reasons.  it means a ton you'd say we've been so helpful for you.  you can go on youtube for the videos and below the video where the thumbsup/down share, etc. click the 3 dots on the right and click 'open transcript'.  that will help ease the pain maybe for you.  i'm so glad that you've found the site and videos.  i hope we continue to encourage you and give you hope.  it's a difficult journey, but not impossible. 

broken wing

See, Samuel, you keep on giving, thank you! I wish I could precipitate the writing of your book. I forgot to mention that my story does not involve sexual infidelity, but financial infidelity. I want others to know that you make it entirely possible to simply substitute financial for sexual in your teachings, it works! My story also involves psychological, emotional and verbal infidelity, after a while they all blur somewhat together, but all break the bonds of marriage, correct? What a gift I have been given, thank you again!

Thank You Samuel

Thank you for more help Samuel, I was able to find the three dots, and so have cut down my writing time along with preventing carpal tunnel. I wrote this last week,but messed up and so it is floating somewhere in Cyberspace I suppose. I wanted to mention that the infidelity in my marriage is not sexual, but financial, verbal, psychological and emotional. Somewhere over time, I image it was sexual also. When I first started listening to your videos, I automatically was able to substitute financial instead of sexual. I want others to know that it works with very little effort! Because of the many forms of abuse, they all more or less blur into one after a while. Abuse was abuse for me, it was the chronic part of it that made the difference. Mine was over a decade of a 20 year marriage, to the tune of a million dollars. That was our retirement, investments, all accounts including pension. I never knew the damage because he has his own business, and I trusted him. I would have chosen a "Bambi" over this, it wouldn't have lasted this long and I still would have been to survive financially were I to leave. I should mention that the million dollars went to my husband's daughter between the ages of 18-28. Not a single thing on her credit card statements was justifiable, in fact, all are unbelievable.
All that to ask you if a reader comments on one of your older blogs, do you see it, or do we reply elsewhere? Thank you again!!!

comments on older blogs...

hi there.  they send me notifications for 90% of the comments even on older blogs.  but, sometimes it slips through the cracks so I apologize if I missed one of your older comments.  thank you for your kind words and for watching/posting. so glad you're here and a part of our community. 

How to get over anger.

I have gone back and forth on if I should post this, the forth won. Lol.
First let me say your blogs are often the life line that keeps me sane and give me hope. Thank you for the work you do.

I have struggled with all the anger, well out right RAGE I have felt. I did not even know I could feel those things to the extent I have. And I think my healing process was slowed because of all the pent up anger. I joined with a group of ladies and we have been working on some things and I was taught this exercise that has propelled me forward. It has given me a safe way to dissipate all anger. I am going to write it out in steps. But the very first steps is go to the kids department of Walmart or target or where ever like that and buy yourself a plastic bat. The ones from Walmart are marketed for toddlers. They have a nice foam cover come with a little foam ball and cost about 4 bucks.
Sit down and for 5-10 minutes write out a letter about something you are pissed off about. Ex. Dear hubby, when you were having your affair and you lied to me about having to work and I attended your family BBQ alone with the kids while you were with her it really pissed me off. It was your family function. I was there making excuses for your lack of attendance. Blhahahaha.

Take your letter go to a mirror in your home and read it. Out loud and feel the anger.

Take your bat and use it on a soft object that you won't break (I use my bed) and swing it while saying I did not deserve that treatment. I am angry because ...... then best it out until you are tired.

I usually pick one thing and beat it out until I can remember that event and no longer feel the anger of the injustice that was portrayed against me.

For somethings it has taken many sessions with the bat.

The theory is you retain that anger until you physically release it.

You tell the story of Samantha and the doll house. And I can appreciate that she just needed that one and done. Apparently I am a very angry person cause I have needed to break down the situation and I do bat work weekly still. But only when I am home alone. I don't wanna freak out the kids.

I hope this helps someone else. I take no credit for the information. But healing is hard and it is harder when you don't know a release for the anger.

Thank you and continue what you do.

it's been a while SLM....so glad to hear from you...

hi there.  I wondered how you were doing as I hadn't heard from you in a while.  thank you for the exercise.  that's a good point, safely releasing the anger.  you may feel like an angry person, but i would say you're a traumatized person and it's affected you in a way that's created some intense anger, and rightly so.  you've been traumatized....anger seems a normal response my friend and i hope you always feel safe and welcome here.  so glad to hear from you and thank you again or such kind words.