Changing the Way a Betrayed Sees Their Spouse

Samuel answers a viewer's question on how to alter the way they see their spouse early on in recovery.

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seeing the unfaithful differently

Another great blog, Samuel. Thanks for your words that continue to normalize the crazy feelings infidelity brings on! I check affair recovery daily for words of encouragement and your blogs help immensely! I am wondering if you could address the issue of respect or actually the loss of respect a betrayed might feel for the unfaithful spouse. Is this normal and how does the betrayed combat that? Thanks again.

thank you for that!

what2do, thanks so much for that.  i believe i've done one on that, but i'll have to see if it's going to be released soon.   can't remember as it was a long couple weeks, but i'm pretty sure it's been done.  hahahah.  they jumble together sometimes for me when i'm doing a few.  so glad they help my friend.  means a ton that you would comment and compliment.  

Ongoing unfaithfulness

Hi Samuel, thanks for your blog and advice. I have been going through continuous unfaithfulness for more a long time. Discovery was in 2008,totally by accident, I found out about my husbands prositute problem. How do I move on when I constantly have to face it all over again? There is no responsibilty,no apology. I am 49 ,he is 55. I have given up trying to understand,now I just want to survive and stay sane. Maybe someone should do a blog on this type of unfaithfulness?

tough situation indeed

anonymous, thanks fort the question.  well my friend, if you're to stay with him, you'll need harboring hope on the site simply to cope with it.  youp'll also need a great counselor to be able to handle the pain and hurt and lack of humility or ownership.  if he refuses to get help, it's not going to be easy at all.  to stay is going to be life altering difficult.  so you'll want all the support you can get.  with harboring hope and a good therapist, you will be able to stay sane for sure.  see change in him, probably not.  but at least those two mediums will help you cope with the pain.  

I wish I had been able to be

I wish I had been able to be angry at first, after finding out my husband had had numerous affairs throughout our marriage, I was so sad and heartbroken that I just didn't have it in me. What I eventually realized, after about a year, was that my husband had no compassion or tenderness toward me even though he would say he wanted to stay together. It has taken a very long time for me to wake up to the fact that he could be so different in reality from what I had believed he was. Sometimes people really don't mind being hurtful liars. Hard lesson learned.

Lost feelings for him

My husband cheated with two women at the same time as soon as he started working at a new job. He wants me to just forget about it and move on. We have three little kids. I've been so depressed I hardly get out of bed to even shower


i'm so sorry friend.  that sucks for sure.  he doesn't want to talk about it as he's ashamed.   we don't talk about what makes us feel ashamed or bad about ourselves.  he's choosing to focus on his own pain more than you and your trauma.  here are some thoughts (series) on shame so you understand it more:  I felt the same way early on in terms of the depression.  it is life altering.  but, one of the best ways to get out of bed is to focus on living for the kids.  they need you right now.  they need you more than you know and they need you more than even you know.  this is a great way to help you cope:  love those kids.  my therapist and mentor would say a couple things to me after every single phone call and session:  1. go love those kids.  2.  go sell a house.  

so, Ellie, go love those kids.  use them as a great way to get out of bed right now and still pursue life.  


what to do with losing the view

Hi Samual, We are over 1 1/2 years out from d day but just 6 months out from wifes last grasp at restarting affair for the Third time. The lack of her wanting to do the emso,or hope for healing, or coming up with any thing to do on her part to help her or us heal has been a perspective changer for me. I used to have a glimmer of hope for something better, but i am resigned to now have lots of anger and hate towards her. I am stuffing it all in and it comes out as frustration at counseling. Where needless to say i get the brunt of her anger back. It is making me want out. Where do i turn for inspiration to stay the course to see if things will change? How do I re frame?

not sure i agree...

confused man, thanks for watching and commenting.  i think you've commented a few times and always appreciate that.  i think at some level, you're on a journey of surrender my friend.  you can't control her and when we try to control and it fails, we get angry and frusrtrated.  and, i've learned frustration is a form of pride as we want things to be the way WE want them and they are not and so we're angry.  i then get to feeling sorry for myself and pouty and retreat(ed) rather than rising up and focusing on what i could control.  if i were you, i'd pull back and not try to force her to get it.  i'd pull back and create your own ambivalence to this whole restoration thing:  see these videos:  i mean if she doesn't want to do recovery work, why make her try.  for her to have three episodes and then still be angry and n ot want help, the fact is she is pulling away from you and you pulling her back only creates the rubber band and she is going to pull more and more.  i would stop.  i would focus on ME and MY OWN JOURNEY of healing and not try to get her to seek you.  she will then eventually, if there is ANY hope, start to pull towards you.  if she does NOT, my friend, sadly, it may be over and she may be done and need to go her separate way.  i wish i could be more hopeful.  but i will tell you, the data would support that those who are in your position and take this road i'm suggesting, find far more success than pushing and pulling and hoping they come and get help.  they usually pull farther and farther away.  the more you try the less successful you are.  so work on you.  tell her you're actually coming to grips with the fact that she's not wanting to save the marriage and you're OK with that.  you're also considering your options about the future and seeing that you'l l be fine without her.  if you're not going to be fine without her, then perhaps she is an idol of sorts and you need to still tell her you're going to be ok, but work on any slight codependency issues you're facing.  does this all make sense?  happy to dialogue with you about this my friend.


Feeling confused

I found out my husband had an affair with a coworker from the coworkers boyfriend who called me to tell me. I suspected something was off before I found out and asked him and he said no. Acted like why would I even ask that. After finding out I feel like everything was a blur. I attacked the affair partner. I attacked my husband. Kicked him out brought him back in multiple times. Sought out a lawyer and 3 months later I’m here. We are still together working on things. It seemed to be going well we talked about the future and planned vacations and then He gets like a bought of what seems to be depression and withdraws. We were having great sex frequently now the past three days we haven’t even touched. He says he’s tired and doesn’t know what’s wrong with him. I feel so lost and confused. I don’t think it’s fair that I am left so confused. He says nothing is going on but after what he did I get so anxious and scared. We have a therapy appointment next week. I just wish I had the answers.

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