Help: My Betrayed Spouse Refuses to Get Help

Samuel answers a question from an unfaithful spouse.

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Need more therapy

Dear Samuel,
Thanks for another helpful video. I am the betrayed wife. We are three years out and this may sound weird but recently I have been having what seems like the old PTSD stuff resurfacing. Only we are in a great place. Actually I will go as far as saying I am in a really good place. Early in recovery I would have that cycle often- feel good with husband only to feel bad soon after. I know it was my mind trying to protect me. I guess I hoped I was further out and this wasn’t going to keep happening. Recently in my heart I have been feeling so happy with life, my husband and boys. Finally seeing that “oh my gosh... we might actually pull this recovery stuff off” (lol)
Then wham the intrusive thoughts that I thought weren’t so severe have come back with a vengeance. I am
Wondering if you at AR see this in betrayed spouses further out, like me. That there is almost a threshold of what feel like a bigger commitment that the couple us crossing and the betrayed has to push through it to get to that other side? Or is this me not having done enough trauma work?!?
I hope this long winded post makes sense.

it's normal....

hi there.  yes, it happens frequently and it's normal my friend.  it may be another level of pain you're finally able to process.  it may be that you stuffed some things down early on and they are coming to the surface to be dealt with.  it could be that you're also just experiencing some triggers and it's maybe a sign to do some exploration into what you're feeling?  sometimes betrayed spouses deal with delayed anger which i talk about here:   if you have a therapist I would talk with them...if not, or even if so, you may consider doing some emdr or ett therapy to address what may be an underlying thing.  don't panic though and don't think you're not far along.  you are, and this is normal to happen a few years down the road.  it doesn't to stop you or make you go backwards.  just talking about it is going to keep you from going backwards.  

I would appreciate some advise.

Hello Samuel,
I am the unfaithful spouse. My husband and I are about 7 months out from D-Day. In the first 3-4 months he would refuse to get help because "I had done this and I was on me to fix it." He no longer says that to me, but he is still resistant to getting help. I have been to a professional marriage counselor several times and I always encourage him to come with me. He makes up excuses because he doesn't want to go. After a lot of discussion of me defending why I think he should go, he agreed to go but he said that he thinks that counselors don't really help anyone and that they are "frauds". He said that he would go once and if the doesn't think this guy is giving good advice then he won't go again. Often times he gets mad at me for even bringing up going to counseling because it "reminds him of my past mistakes". Over the past 3 months his attitude seems to be improving and he seems to be doing better than he was, but that could just be what I see from my own point of view. He just seems to have this idea stuck in his head that no one can really fix this but me. And I can't fix this, I can't take back my actions, but I can improve myself and be better than I once was... I don't know what to do, but I really hope he does come with me this next time. I just want to do everything I can to save my relationship. I don't want to look back in a few years and wish I would have done more to try to help him. It's hard for me to tell if he's healing or just dealing with it.

betrayed spouse doesn't want help

Hello I am the unfaithful and my wife doesn't feel like she needs therapy it has been a month since d-day and she dosen't want help or to stay together just divorce. is there still hope for us. We still live in the same house with our kids. I have cut off all communication and am seeing a therapist. Is there still hope? Is this just anger or is she done?

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-D, Texas