The Day I Moved Out and My Soul Shook

Samuel shares a dark moment after his wife discovered his infidelity when he moved out of the house and had to confront his reality.

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Hard not knowing

Submitted by AW (not verified) on Thu, 01/07/2016 - 15:12

Hi Samuel-

Thank you again for all of your vlogs. They have provided me tools on how to start the recovery process for my marriage, but most importantly, myself. As terrible as discovery was, I think my husband's affair really opened my eyes on how much I had lost myself the past few years. With every day stresses, raising kids, work, family deaths, and feeling my husband growing distant, I realized I was trying so hard to keep things status quo and I no longer was the bubbly, happy, outgoing person people knew me to be. Your videos have helped me gain a sense of control over my life and myself, and I have come to realize that I am worthy of love, I was not a perfect spouse by any means, but my husband's affair was not my fault, and that I have strengths and weaknesses just like everyone else. So thank you so much for helping me find myself again. My husband has come out of his fog and is finally doing the work necessary. I think he had a few soul turning moments like the one you described today and realized all the things he could have lost by running away with his AP. He is taking responsibility and I am starting to see the man I married. Just this weekend, he turned to me and said, "I can't believe how strong you are." That meant the world to me because, as many betrayed spouses have experienced, I was on this journey alone for some time. We had two ddays, my husband's withdrawal was horrendous, and he moved in with the AP for three weeks. Him acknowledging the pain he caused and being grateful for me not giving up on us brought tears to my eyes.

Even though there is progress, there are still some things that I am wondering about the cheater's experience. Reading your blogs, it seems you had a similar situation as to us. My husband's affair was over two years long. During that time, I became pregnant and discovery was about three months after our son was born. I think my husband is still trying to cope with what he did, but I wanted to get your perspective on what that experience was for you. I look at my sweet boy - he is an amazing baby, so sweet and such a fun personality. But I can't help to be sad knowing that he was conceived at a time my husband was giving himself completely to someone else - mind, body, and soul. During his affair, did he regret getting me pregnant? Was he just using my body for an outlet for his physical needs? Was he intimate with her the same night or day he was intimate with me? When you were in the affair, how did you go from your home life to your affair life and reconcile the two? I guess I am wondering what is going through a cheater's mind. I have read so many times how the cheater resents their spouse and falls out of love with them and is so happy with the AP and found their soulmate. With these thoughts, it doesn't seem logical to me that they would want a baby with their spouse because their true love (in their foggy brain) is the AP. My husband says he was so excited when I got pregnant but he was so addicted to what he had with the AP, he couldn't let her go. I asked how the AP took it, and he said she was upset that he betrayed her - WTF?? I guess for my sanity, I am just trying to understand more what is going on through the cheater's mind when they are living in two different worlds. Didn't he think of me at all - taking care of his children and having his babies?

I am sorry for getting long-winded. I just though hearing your perspective would be interesting as you are much further out. I think I also have some work to do in letting go of my resentment ;) Thanks again!

all great questions AW

Submitted by Samuel on Fri, 01/08/2016 - 16:13

thank you for commenting and your kind words. we work hard here to make sure the content is on point so i'm glad it's helping you. for starters, the fact is, for many like me we just resolve that this is the way it's going to be. with our spouse and with our ap. we feel trapped and we say 'there's no way out. ' well, there is a way out, come clean and end the affair. but, we don't like or want that solution ya know? it's the medicine that we don't want to drink. so we resolve to just keep doing what we're doing and somewhat turning off the moral compass if you will. i highly highly doubt he resented you for getting pregnant and i'm sure he doesn't resent the child at all. i also don't at any level believe he was jsut using you to get his needs met, but was in fact happy then and happy now that you were pregnant. the very same thing happened to us. i was in my affair for roughly two and a half years or so and the fact is, samantha got pregnant while i was in the affair and it was gut wrenching for her to look back upon that and reconcile it all. to this day, our son is a reminder of 2005, the year he was born and the year it all came out. he was only 5 weeks old when d day happened so you can imagine the pain of it all. for a while, i think samantha believed the child might also be affected by the turmoil when he was so young and nursing, and quite frankly, he's not in any bit. he's a totally normal child and adorable and is a picture of redemption of the year 2005. he really is. he and my kids have saved my life and i'm so glad that on the same year that d day happened, we have an adorable child that is a great point of redemption. here is an article that Rick wrote that's exceptional for what you're navigating through: https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-betrayed-spouse-were-they-thinking-of-me it will help with perspective for sure. when you're living a double life, there are some general responses and there are some unique responses. for me i was a bit blackmailed when i tried to break free and it would take forever to explain it. for others though, it's not that they couldn't break free...they didn't want to and they didn't have any idea how without ripping you to shreds. it's deception and confusion and an unwillingness to push through the darkness and what it would cost THEM to come clean. it's too scary. it's too painful. so we don't do what we need to do and then, along comes another way of being exposed we didn't necessarily plan for, like in my case, and we have to come clean and give it all up. does all this make sense? i'm happy to expand but I better stop and make sure what i'm saying makes sense first?

Compartmentalizing

Submitted by Anonymous on Sun, 01/10/2016 - 13:37

5 years after BD and over 2 1/2 years into my marriage and family therapy degree, I feel like I've spent a lot of time figuring out what was going on in my husbands mind that allowed him to live a double life for almost two years. FYI., you'll find 2 -3 years is a very typical time span for adulterous liasions

After many, many discussions with my husband he describes his time in the sin/fog, as "not in my right mind". People who pursue adultery are broken, their brokenness sets them on a path to fill their holes. Adultery partners become "hole mates" (not soul mates) to medicate their pain. It's quit possible your husband still loved you very much, but the medicative/addictive parts of the adultery were just too strong break. It took my husband many months to realize he had confused reality with fantasy. He shutters now when he thinks of the systemic damage that would have befallen our family had he not "woke up".

The adulterer has the "advantage" of falling into this sin slowly by justifying and villifying and then slipping into a very addictive" fix." They live the new life style of addiction for many months. Men have the added ability to compartmentalize. My husband had an uncanny ability to be with the adultery partner during the day and then come home to his family and switch gears. I think women have a much harder time keeping things separate, and thus it is hard to understand how a person can "love" two people at one time.

My husband went through a time during his adultery where he transferred monogamy to his adultery partner. He didn't touch me for six months, he was "faithful" to his married AP (although the AP was still intimate with her true husband), It is crazy making!

The adulterer has the "advantage" of having his life slowly assimilate into this new distortion, while being able to keep it separate from his "real" life. The betrayed gets hit by a bomb the day we find out, having no idea our lives were being slowly cheated away. And thus left pondering "what was my real life?"

Reconciling your pregnancy in the midst of adultery had to be difficult. One thought, as Samuel has illuded to, is to reframe the way you think about it. Your baby may have been a gift from God , a literal "seed" of redemption and new life for your marriage.

As betrayed spouses we are called to unimaginable acts of unselfishness as a stark contrast to the selfishness of the betrayer.---But what a gift. If you husband does the work, remains safe, how amazing, and what a true reflection of God's forgiveness and healing love.

Just some thoughts.

Thank You!

Submitted by AW (not verified) on Fri, 01/15/2016 - 14:46

Thank you so much Samuel and Anonymous for your responses. I guess it's just hard for me to not know exactly what was going through my husband's mind then. At some point, if I want my marriage to be as great as I know it can be, I have to get back in trusting what he is saying now and that he is here both physically and cognitively now. It's just a hard pill to swallow that the day we found out I was pregnant, he went to his AP's house that evening and made love to her - it's hard to wrap my brain around it. I have confronted my issues and the shortcomings I brought the marriage and have listened to what he thought I did wrong and how I didn't meet his needs. I am still struggling with how an unfaithful can say "well you were rude to me and didn't want to have sex and put the children first" while they are literally being intimate with someone else.

Anonymous - that's so crazy you said that. When my husband was in his thickest fog, he said he would cry after being intimate with me because he felt like he betrayed her.

So angry!

Submitted by Jodie (not verified) on Mon, 01/18/2016 - 03:23

As betrayed spouses we are called to unimaginable acts of unselfishness as a stark contrast to the selfishness of the betrayer.---
This just makes me mad! 16 months after d day- he is trying to do everything right and change and I'm more in pain than ever, all because of his selfishness. I've lost so much and life just feels like it is on such a crappy path. Things were OK beforehand and I had no idea he wasn't happy. I tried to be a loving caring wife. My contented life just went down the sink and I've battled such difficulties ever since. My confidence is completely shot and I've gone from a successful confident woman to an anxiety ridden mess who just wants to hide. I could have had affairs, Ive had interested men but I never entertained the thought, Now, I'm such a mess, no man will ever want me. Why should they get a second chance. He wasnt interested in respecting me when I was trying to be a loving wife, why should I give him another shot when I'm in pain and hurt constantly. It just feels so wrong.

Jodie.....we get it.....

Submitted by Samuel on Mon, 01/18/2016 - 08:44

jodie, thank you for sharing. anyone who has ever been through infidelity and anyone that has been betrayed would feel the way you feel. it's completely understandable and expected. this isn't fair. life isn't fair. you're in a period where you're absorbing some things and navigating through the anger and rage and injustice of it all. you should be feeling what you're feeling and going through it. i'm sorry you are. i'm sorry you are having too. any betrayed spouse has felt what you've felt and said a form of what you've said. spouses cheat because of themselves, not because of you. sure, weaknesses exist in all marriages. not everyone cheats. a bad marriage doesn't make someone cheat. if that was the case, you would have cheated too and so many others would have cheated. people cheat as they are selfish, self absorbed and just plain have issues they don't deal with right. I would take some time to absorb this all. i would read as much as you can on the site to help you process it. here are a few to read that may help you in your processing. they are not to say 'get over it...' but to say 'hey, these may help and provide some insight for you to help the grieving: https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/2009-10, https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/2009-07, https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/2010-03-timeline, https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/2007-04, https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/2009-08b, now, you're not unwanted or unwantable. you are not 'done' in life. you're not used goods to be thrown away or discarded. you are precious. valuable. wanted. but how you respond to this is going to set the tone for the next few years of your life my friend. anything i can do, please let me know.

It is unfair and frustrating

Submitted by Anonymous on Sun, 01/24/2016 - 01:03

Jodie, I completely get what you're saying. There are still times after 5 years that I get angry for the sacrifices I've made for my my husband. I too had thoughts of going out and looking for a revenge affair. I thought about renting a blimp to float a banner over the adultery partners home that read something too awful to post here (she never told her children and her community never found out compared to my husband who moved out, told the kids and every single soul within a 30 mile radius heard).

Here's my point. The pain is horrific, but regardless of whether you decide to move on together, or alone, you have to heal yourself. And no amount of retaliation is going to help in the long run. It might make you feel slightly vindicated in the short run. Adultery is a debt that can never be humanly repaid. The pain of intimate betrayal/adultery is a kind of hell that no one can understand unless they have been there.

Wasn't trying to make a pie in the sky statement about what we must do. We all get to choose. Just that the sacrifices I've made to keep my family together and safe and sane, has come at an enormous cost to me, the faithful one. No one is perfect, no one deserves to be intimately betrayed. As all of us on here know, it happens on a fairly regular basis.

You will get though this, it takes a long time and a ton of determination. Keep posting and venting. Being in community with others who have walked the walked is so very helpful.

I totally agree with you.

Submitted by Tas (not verified) on Mon, 02/01/2016 - 21:48

I totally agree with you. they do what they want to do and had no mercy on you. but when caught, now he is asking for forgiveness ? no divorce and a second chance for normal life.

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