A Double Betrayal: My Spouse Cheated with My Best Friend

Samuel shares a particular type of affair called the 'double betrayal' and how to recover from it.

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Thank you

Thank you so much for addressing this, Samuel. My husband’s ap was indeed a family member and the shock of the affair was compounded by the shock of who the affair partner was. There are times I feel so overwhelmed with grief from all sides, I just don’t know where to look first. This past holiday season was our first since d-day and the reminders were there every family activity we were not a part of or she was not a part of. And we get to repeat this scenario every year??? It’s truly devastating and I so appreciate you giving some guidance and acknowledgment that this is a situation with multiple layers to work through...thank you for the permission to handle one layer at a time...

you're very welcome...

exactly right my friend:   layers.  this will take time, but with the right work and approach it will get much easier for sure.  give yourself mercy and do your best to create new memories and new traditions that will help you build the new.  you can do it.  i assure you. 


Do I have to forgive her?

Thank you for this video. While the AP was not my best friend she was a close one. She manipulated things I shared with her and even fabricated conversations we allegedly had during their relationship. I know I have, for survival reasons, vilified her as a manipulative & cunning demon. Rational thought & reason tells me it takes two and I know my husband was not a helpless victim in their relationship. I'm working on my marriage and we are doing okay right now. Each day that I'm here is another step closer to forgiveness. I keep hearing / reading that I need to forgive her in order to completely heal - I honestly have no desire to do so. Is that something I have to do?


eventually yes, for your own freedom, healing, peace of mind and clarity, you will.  if you don't, you give her power over you.  she has more power over you if you hate her or resent her, than if you forgive her, and set yourself free.  when the time is right and when you're ready, you'll need to forgive her, and to be honest, sometimes, the further away from the situation you get, the more you finally realize you need to forgive her/them/him and you are in a better place to do it.  so don't rush it, but eventually you will if you want to experience a new level of freedom. 


Thank you Samuel

Thank you Samuel

I needed this Blog so much. Both my husband's APs were close friends. The one a friend of 32 years! Our mothers are lifelong best friends.

November last year I came across a photo taken of us Thanksgiving 2015. All three couples with their kids, with the FB comment "Great friends". Fast forward to November 2016. By that time we had even more in common. Not only were we all great friends but the women in the photo also shared the same man, my husband.

It is such a lonely place to be, having been betrayed by your husband and 2 women who called themselves your friends. I fear establishing new friendships with women because in my experience my husband ends up having affairs with them. And establishing friendships with men is probably not such a good idea given the vulnerable situation I find myself in.

So now I have no friends ;-(

it's normal for sure...

it's totally normal.  sometimes spouses who have been betrayed absolutely need to develop safe, same sex friends who are not friends with their spouse.  they are like a safe haven for them to find healing and peace and to experience a level of safety.  they don't have to know about the infidelity, but it's vital to find community with those who are just friends.  yet, i would also tell you to do what you can to find new friends, especially in harboring hope for the betrayed spouse to help you heal.  you can find it here:  https://www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope  here is a scholarship link for you should you need it:  https://www.affairrecovery.com/scholarship-application-request  it's a safe, same sex group for those who have been betrayed.  i'd highly suggest you take it friend.  it will giv eyou friends and support and othe rwoman who can rally behind your recoveyr as well as provide a place for you to rally behind others.  ((sorry for the typos, on the go.....))




My husband had a year and a half affair with my best friend

Family member betrayal

Samuel, while I didn't experience the doubly devastating betrayal from an intimate friend, I did experience what I consider a triple betrayal from my husband's affair: his infidelity, he told his two adult daughters about his affair and asked one of his adult daughters to assist with his infidelity, and she actively participated.

I have forgiven the daughters and given them to God. I cannot bring myself to to even consider reconciliation nor do I have any desire to even be in the same room with them. While their father and I have been together for 16 years I felt included as "part of the family", neither have made any effort on their own to make amends or offer an apology.

My husband doesn't seem to understand that these women are unsafe for me and continues to maintain a very close relationship with the daughter that helped him, which just feels like the knife continuing to be twisted in my body by my husband.

Can you speak to this kind of betrayal?

Where is the favorite button

Where is the favorite button for this vlog?

thanks so much

feedback like that is a great pat on the back . encourages me to do more my friend.  thank you.


Deepest betrayal

I don't even know where to begin...
My husband had an affair with my best friend. You nailed it in the head regarding how deep this betrayal runs. She manipulated our friendship and used it to further the wedge between me and my husband. I am not a vengeful person with very little hate in my body but if I had a will to be this way she is the first Peron in my line to hate! I don't know if I ever will be able to forgive her. The things she said to me and the way she made me feel when I started to question and put things together were so awful I can't even begin to describe them. While my husband came back home beginning of March I would say our recovery starts today...day 1. He has assured me after several months of ups and downs that he has cut all ties with her and has had what he calling "closure" on things. Everything you have said in your videos and articles have been right on for me. I am so glad I have discovered your site.
I have two questions....first. While we have done most everything to cut ties our girls are best friends. They are 9 and I have tried to explain in an appropriate way to my daughter why we can not see her daughter anymore. Of course, she is devastated and upset. She was so angry at me, as if this is my fault. Since the time of telling her we are not friends anymore (about March) she has discovered through google hangouts, face timing, and you tube how to communicate with the friend. I have access to all of it but it really bothers me that they communicate. However, they are just 9 years old. I just don't like that there is still this connection. They talk about our vacations, daily activities, etc... It bothers me but not my husband. Should I do anything about it? 2nd...How to I get my husband to see the value in professional help? He is open to the reading and listening to the research I do but doesn't want to seek counseling. Should I demand we go to counseling?
Thank you so much for your honesty and willingness to share your story. It really has helped me in understanding my husband and knowing I am not alone with my feelings.

tough questions for sure....but valid

hi there.  thank you for posting and watching.  i'm so sorry for your pain.  for the most part, the cleanest break you can make is always best.   even if you had to move, it may be for the best.  but, again, that's up to you. at 9, it's so hard to understand the struggle that your parents are having.  i wouldn't over think her talking to the other friend.....as at some level, maybe it will work itself out.  maybe it will fade.  we just never know.  the reality is, if you can't handle them talking, and if it's just too much for you, perhaps you'll need to put your foot down and help her understand that she cannot talk to her at all and then limit and monitor her social media etc etc.  

as far as your husband not wanting to get help....it's a huge redflag.  the fact is, you can't fix him and he can't fix you and you can't fix yourself without expert, objective help.  you don't want to demand it, if he won't agree to it. here are two resources spouses use in that situation:  https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/how-get-mate-cooperate and https://www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/they-get-say-no-life-going-change   i wonder why he won't get help? is it past abuse, or bad experience with therapists, or?  without expert help the chances of you both finding healing and long term restoration are not good my friend.  hope that helps you and gives you some pertinent information. 



Thank you for responding. Since I wrote my comment and questions a few things have happened.First, it was a huge red flag...he was still in the affair after coming home in March. I found out because the AP's husband tried to contact me for about a week. I never responded but did have a fit of rage with my husband and I feel as if we finally have "full disclosure." We are finishing up the boot camp week. We will decide how to move forward from here. Also, as you said, the friendship among the children is over.
Again, I can't thank you enough for sharing your story and shedding some light on these very difficult topics. I am so thankful I found Affair Recovery website and resources. We both see how imperative it is to have the right help, meaning experience with infidelity.

so glad it helped...

very sorry for the delay.  i was just notified of the comment, which does happen.  my apologies.  so glad it helped and you're standing strong.  one day at a time friend.  thanks for the encouragement and kind words.  

HI there. Thanks for this vid

HI there. Thanks for this vid. About four months out from d-day, experiencing a double betrayal. Worst pain of my life. A friend recently described it as one of the inner rings of hell; he wasn't wrong. Husband/I are halfway through EMS online course. But wishing for more personal conversation with a couple who has survived a double betrayal and lived to tell about it. We are in contact with two couples in our town who are on the road to recovery post-affair but neither fall into the "double betrayal" category. Is it possible for Affair Recovery to put us in touch with a couple who has experienced this specific sort of situation and can walk with us more closely? I need someone who's been-there, done-that to walk me through it. Desperate for someone who can encourage us through this valley.

group wall is the best way to find someone

hi there.  the best way to find someone is to post on the main group wall on the site and see who responds.  it's been very

helpful for coupls to go about it this way.  we're simply not equipped to handle these challenges of introducing couples anymore my friend.  i'm very sorry.


Double betrayal

Hi, we are 2 years in dealing with double betrayal.
Also frustrated that there is not much dealing with this particular aspect of infidelity online. Open to sharing...

Hi there. I just saw your

Hi there. I just saw your comment here. How are you all doing? Like you, REALLY wishing for more info on the specific grief of being doubly betrayed on Affair Recovery site.

Double betrayal

Hello... D-day for me was 3 weeks ago. My husband and our friend. We hung out with her and her husband almost every weekend for the past 4 years, vacationed together etc. The affair began 2 years ago. I’ve never known so much pain. We are trying to work it out but I just don’t know how I can get past this...any insight would be appreciated. It feels so hopeless and I haven’t stopped crying for 3 weeks..plus this corona virus stress ... ugh

hi there....i'm so sorry

i know it's awful and it hurts almost twice as bad as a normal affair as you've been betrayed twice.  what help are you using and getting?  have you considered any of our courses or intensives?  our intensives are being done virtually now so that may be easiere for you all?


Same exact scenario... Were you guys able to fix it?

We've been best friends with the other couple for about two years. The affair with my wife and my best friend has been going on 8 months. Found out about 6 weeks ago and we are working on fixing things. (Mainly due to two young children) but I'm just struggling with the "How" could she have loved me and done this... All while vacationing and seeing me happy with him as such a great best friend every weekend...

I think the hardest thing for me personally now is the fact that we caught them via text messages that were not deleted. Had she stopped it on her own for us, I feel like I could move forward so much easier.....

Double betrayal

I’m so sorry for you, for all of us, going through this horrible pain. I’m 5 months out from d day when I discovered my husband of 28 years was having an affair with our friend. The intense pain from deception by two people I loved is unbearable to me. I feel lonely and empty inside. I miss my life. I used to be so happy. I love my husband and he is committed to staying together but I’m just not sure if I can ever get past this. Please tell me you are making progress in your healing, and if you are what helped you?

How are you doing now??

How are you doing now??


I’m new to this page. My husband of 28 years walked out on me literally overnight 2 years ago. So much has come to light since. He had been having an affair off and in with one of my best friends for 13 years!! I am now divorced so they are officially “dating” and living together..the knife just keeps being dug further into my back each passing day. I HATE them both and will never forgive them..
How are you doing with everything now? I can’t imagine moving past this or getting over it like I’m told to do almost daily.

Dealing with double betrayal

Hi there! I know it’s been 3 years since you posted. However, I am recently dealing with a double betrayal. I was hoping to connect to see if you have been able to heal and move on in your marriage from the betrayal.

In need of help and healing.

still struggling

I am writing this about 5 1/2 years after finding out about an affair between my husband and my “best friend,” an affair that lasted 5 1/2 years across two states. I kept this affair secret first because I froze and struggled to make a decision that could hurt my boys and second because if I stayed and we grew through this no one needed to know. This double betrayal has traumatized me in ways I struggled to explain until I watched your video.
I’d love to say that we came out stronger but I found out several months ago that my husband was still in contact with her and has been for several years. Although it was for my “protection” to keep her away from me, keeping this secret for years is what I cannot handle. Too many lies. Too much betrayal.
Everything about my life over the last 11 years feels like a facade. I don’t feel safe, secure, loved or enough. I feel so broken. I don’t know how to heal from this. I have a support system but realize it may not be enough. To make matters worse I agreed to try “splitting up together” in the same house so our boys wouldn’t be as affected. We both want to be with them but I’m afraid I’ll never heal having to see him every day.

Double betrayal

I hope you are over this now - or as much as one can be. I had a very similar thing happen, although I moved out & my 'best friend' moved in. Years later & my kids still resent what they did. It never gets better. :(

Can’t move forward

Struggling really hard with a double betrayal, but my part is that he left me completely for my close friend after 12 years of marriage and we have a child. So he didn’t come back trying to make things work. Plus this has all been kept secret from our child as to why dad and mom really are seperated( of course to protect him and their daughter and father relationship) BUT now he has told our child about a special person he has in his life and has introduced her back into our daughters life and expects me to be ok with it and I’m soooooo angry and hurt. Hard enough to go through Double betrayal and separate/ go through divorce (which isn’t even finalized) and now I have to deal with them being a couple and my daughter being with them both and im expected to still keep this secret that Daddy broke moms heart and left her for my friend and ruined our family. I just can’t.. no possible way I can ever be in the same room as her. And my daughter has no idea and instead is excited for daddy’s new girl friend and is so romantic about it , but knows her mom is so hurt and upset about something. I don’t know what to do.

Understand your pain

You wrote this two years ago and I hope you have had more healing since but suspect you still have a lot to deal with. I had the same situation nearly 2 decades ago with the added factor that her two sons were best friends w my 2 younger sons. They are all adults now and call each other step brothers, my young grandchildren call her Grandma. I have remarried and moved away- being away from it is good for my emotional health but my relationship with my sons is not what I wanted for us. When they were still at home my ex would not co-parent and it put me in many difficult situations. I don’t think I have the skill to improve my relationships with my children and that hurts too. Do what you can to protect your relationship with your daughter. I understand the feeling of not being able to move forward-this situation takes a lot of work and time to move past and with a child to share it adds a hurtful level and I’m sorry you have to deal with that. I hope you’re finding support and hope again.


I am going to write a book called “The ULTIMATE BETRAYAL” to let others know how it feels to learn of such a life changing betrayal by my wife and “best friend” When i learned about their 13 year affair about 12 months ago today, I knew at that moment that my life would never be the same. It had been over for 9 years and my wife had been trying to make amends for this and our marriage had never been better. What great timing for my quote best friend unquote started telling me things to tell MY wife from him. The flipping nerve this man had to use ME to try to make contact with MY wife because he wanted to check to see if she might be interested in completely ruining my life. It blows my mind how selfish some people are. There are so many layers to this type of affair and you only see it when you feel it all unfold as you are trying to find a way to heal from something so unbelievable that you think you would NEVER have to deal with. I really gave both of them so much more credit than they deserved. Neither one could even look me in the eye. I feel sorry for them to tell the truth. Anyone that could ruin someones life like they did mine for something they knew would only be a part time “game” for both of them. I will heal one day from this but both of them will live with this the rest of their lives. Its sad but there are a best friend that is thinking about starting an affair right now with their friends spouse and that friend doesn't have a clue. Moral justifications will allow them to do one thing after another and leave damage behind them that they wont realize until they get caught. They will assure themselves that no one will ever get hurt because they have convinced themselves this to allow them to do it. Take it from me, my wife and friend never ever even considered the possibility. They seemed just as surprised as me that they have to look at the damage they had done and its an odd thing to see two people totally speechless because this wasnt going to happen. Its like they truly believed they hadnt hurt anyone since no one knew but them. But they were doing the things that hurt me the whole time and they had sold this lie to be able to live with themselves. Its a really awkward painful thing to experience. When all the painful things they did to me got piled up in front of them its not a pretty site to see them realize that they had been lying to themselves. There are so many layers to this and i am not close to seeing all of them yet. My life has been ripped apart and i will have pain for years to come because two people wanted their cake and eat it to. Its a shame that two people can lie to someone that trusts and loves them that much but even sadder that they find a way to lie to themselves where they are ok with it.


Hello Curt

We've been best friends with the other couple for about two years. The affair with my wife and my best friend has been going on 8 months. Found out about 6 weeks ago and we are working on fixing things. (Mainly due to two young children) but I'm just struggling with the "How" could she have loved me and done this... All while vacationing and seeing me happy with him as such a great best friend every weekend...

I think the hardest thing for me personally now is the fact that we caught them via text messages that were not deleted. Had she stopped it on her own for us, I feel like I could move forward so much easier.....

You’re in my thoughts


I just read your post and my heart is with you. Everything you said really hits. You’re right, there are so many many many layers to this betrayal. It’s a different type of affair I feel like. One that should have it’s own category if that even makes sense. I found out my husband of ten years had an affair with my “best friend.” They each told me it only happened 3 times no sex just oral sex. I decided to stay and try, cut her out of my life. Forward to five months later I find out it wasn’t just three times it was three years and of course they did have sex, feelings were involved. My husband couldn’t deny I had proof. What’s worse is I had to find this out on my own just like I did the first time. I gave him many opportunities to tell me the whole truth and he continued to lie to me.

Question , are you still with your wife?
I’m still trying to work on this. I’ve found out I’m pregnant and that’s a whole other situation now I feel almost forced to heal faster bc of this. The pain is unimaginable. I worry I’ll never stop crying. I cry daily.
Again you’re in my thoughts and you’re not alone!

Double Betrayal

Our 52 years of marriage history, husband and my best friend had an affair at year 14,(long term sexual and emotional 2-3 years) I forgave, we built a better life. At year 30 another affair and again with another best friend (long term, more than 10 years, I’m told only for sex) but not until year 50 do I find out because the affair partner was texting both of us. I’m more than devastated. It’s been 8 months and I’m still deeply grieving and overly angry and raging at times.
Double Betrayal-absolutely-it’s like grieving 2 deaths, 3 if you count your own death to the marriage and those relationships.
52 YEARS, financially comfortable, was a beautiful life before knowledge, love each other, love the Lord, both’trying’, BUT-second time around, both long term relationships ( a decade is unbelievable), both my best friends ……..so what’s next??!

What type of affair was it?

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-D, Texas