A Double Betrayal: My Spouse Cheated with My Best Friend

Samuel shares a particular type of affair called the 'double betrayal' and how to recover from it.

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Thank you

Thank you so much for addressing this, Samuel. My husband’s ap was indeed a family member and the shock of the affair was compounded by the shock of who the affair partner was. There are times I feel so overwhelmed with grief from all sides, I just don’t know where to look first. This past holiday season was our first since d-day and the reminders were there every family activity we were not a part of or she was not a part of. And we get to repeat this scenario every year??? It’s truly devastating and I so appreciate you giving some guidance and acknowledgment that this is a situation with multiple layers to work through...thank you for the permission to handle one layer at a time...

you're very welcome...

exactly right my friend:   layers.  this will take time, but with the right work and approach it will get much easier for sure.  give yourself mercy and do your best to create new memories and new traditions that will help you build the new.  you can do it.  i assure you. 

 

Do I have to forgive her?

Thank you for this video. While the AP was not my best friend she was a close one. She manipulated things I shared with her and even fabricated conversations we allegedly had during their relationship. I know I have, for survival reasons, vilified her as a manipulative & cunning demon. Rational thought & reason tells me it takes two and I know my husband was not a helpless victim in their relationship. I'm working on my marriage and we are doing okay right now. Each day that I'm here is another step closer to forgiveness. I keep hearing / reading that I need to forgive her in order to completely heal - I honestly have no desire to do so. Is that something I have to do?

eventually....

eventually yes, for your own freedom, healing, peace of mind and clarity, you will.  if you don't, you give her power over you.  she has more power over you if you hate her or resent her, than if you forgive her, and set yourself free.  when the time is right and when you're ready, you'll need to forgive her, and to be honest, sometimes, the further away from the situation you get, the more you finally realize you need to forgive her/them/him and you are in a better place to do it.  so don't rush it, but eventually you will if you want to experience a new level of freedom. 

 

Thank you Samuel

Thank you Samuel

I needed this Blog so much. Both my husband's APs were close friends. The one a friend of 32 years! Our mothers are lifelong best friends.

November last year I came across a photo taken of us Thanksgiving 2015. All three couples with their kids, with the FB comment "Great friends". Fast forward to November 2016. By that time we had even more in common. Not only were we all great friends but the women in the photo also shared the same man, my husband.

It is such a lonely place to be, having been betrayed by your husband and 2 women who called themselves your friends. I fear establishing new friendships with women because in my experience my husband ends up having affairs with them. And establishing friendships with men is probably not such a good idea given the vulnerable situation I find myself in.

So now I have no friends ;-(

it's normal for sure...

it's totally normal.  sometimes spouses who have been betrayed absolutely need to develop safe, same sex friends who are not friends with their spouse.  they are like a safe haven for them to find healing and peace and to experience a level of safety.  they don't have to know about the infidelity, but it's vital to find community with those who are just friends.  yet, i would also tell you to do what you can to find new friends, especially in harboring hope for the betrayed spouse to help you heal.  you can find it here:  https://www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope  here is a scholarship link for you should you need it:  https://www.affairrecovery.com/scholarship-application-request  it's a safe, same sex group for those who have been betrayed.  i'd highly suggest you take it friend.  it will giv eyou friends and support and othe rwoman who can rally behind your recoveyr as well as provide a place for you to rally behind others.  ((sorry for the typos, on the go.....))

 

 

Family member betrayal

Samuel, while I didn't experience the doubly devastating betrayal from an intimate friend, I did experience what I consider a triple betrayal from my husband's affair: his infidelity, he told his two adult daughters about his affair and asked one of his adult daughters to assist with his infidelity, and she actively participated.

I have forgiven the daughters and given them to God. I cannot bring myself to to even consider reconciliation nor do I have any desire to even be in the same room with them. While their father and I have been together for 16 years I felt included as "part of the family", neither have made any effort on their own to make amends or offer an apology.

My husband doesn't seem to understand that these women are unsafe for me and continues to maintain a very close relationship with the daughter that helped him, which just feels like the knife continuing to be twisted in my body by my husband.

Can you speak to this kind of betrayal?

Where is the favorite button

Where is the favorite button for this vlog?

thanks so much

feedback like that is a great pat on the back . encourages me to do more my friend.  thank you.

 

Deepest betrayal

I don't even know where to begin...
My husband had an affair with my best friend. You nailed it in the head regarding how deep this betrayal runs. She manipulated our friendship and used it to further the wedge between me and my husband. I am not a vengeful person with very little hate in my body but if I had a will to be this way she is the first Peron in my line to hate! I don't know if I ever will be able to forgive her. The things she said to me and the way she made me feel when I started to question and put things together were so awful I can't even begin to describe them. While my husband came back home beginning of March I would say our recovery starts today...day 1. He has assured me after several months of ups and downs that he has cut all ties with her and has had what he calling "closure" on things. Everything you have said in your videos and articles have been right on for me. I am so glad I have discovered your site.
I have two questions....first. While we have done most everything to cut ties our girls are best friends. They are 9 and I have tried to explain in an appropriate way to my daughter why we can not see her daughter anymore. Of course, she is devastated and upset. She was so angry at me, as if this is my fault. Since the time of telling her we are not friends anymore (about March) she has discovered through google hangouts, face timing, and you tube how to communicate with the friend. I have access to all of it but it really bothers me that they communicate. However, they are just 9 years old. I just don't like that there is still this connection. They talk about our vacations, daily activities, etc... It bothers me but not my husband. Should I do anything about it? 2nd...How to I get my husband to see the value in professional help? He is open to the reading and listening to the research I do but doesn't want to seek counseling. Should I demand we go to counseling?
Thank you so much for your honesty and willingness to share your story. It really has helped me in understanding my husband and knowing I am not alone with my feelings.

tough questions for sure....but valid

hi there.  thank you for posting and watching.  i'm so sorry for your pain.  for the most part, the cleanest break you can make is always best.   even if you had to move, it may be for the best.  but, again, that's up to you. at 9, it's so hard to understand the struggle that your parents are having.  i wouldn't over think her talking to the other friend.....as at some level, maybe it will work itself out.  maybe it will fade.  we just never know.  the reality is, if you can't handle them talking, and if it's just too much for you, perhaps you'll need to put your foot down and help her understand that she cannot talk to her at all and then limit and monitor her social media etc etc.  

as far as your husband not wanting to get help....it's a huge redflag.  the fact is, you can't fix him and he can't fix you and you can't fix yourself without expert, objective help.  you don't want to demand it, if he won't agree to it. here are two resources spouses use in that situation:  https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/how-get-mate-cooperate and https://www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/they-get-say-no-life-going-change   i wonder why he won't get help? is it past abuse, or bad experience with therapists, or?  without expert help the chances of you both finding healing and long term restoration are not good my friend.  hope that helps you and gives you some pertinent information. 

 

Follow-up

Thank you for responding. Since I wrote my comment and questions a few things have happened.First, it was a huge red flag...he was still in the affair after coming home in March. I found out because the AP's husband tried to contact me for about a week. I never responded but did have a fit of rage with my husband and I feel as if we finally have "full disclosure." We are finishing up the boot camp week. We will decide how to move forward from here. Also, as you said, the friendship among the children is over.
Again, I can't thank you enough for sharing your story and shedding some light on these very difficult topics. I am so thankful I found Affair Recovery website and resources. We both see how imperative it is to have the right help, meaning experience with infidelity.

so glad it helped...

very sorry for the delay.  i was just notified of the comment, which does happen.  my apologies.  so glad it helped and you're standing strong.  one day at a time friend.  thanks for the encouragement and kind words.  

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