Blockages to Healing: Part 1

Samuel begins a new mini series entitled blockages to healing where he discusses the various roadblocks common to recovery after infidelity.

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Step One

Thanks for this blog, Samuel. It's amazing how timely and appropriate it is to reference Step One of the 12 steps. It truly is not until a person can get out of his own head and accept the reflection of those around him--particularly 'experts' that have either studied or lived the 'truth' and/or know you better than any other that they can provide a magnifying mirror for your consideration.

To reject those sources is self justification and a defense mechanism that will prevent any forward movement.

My unfaithful spouse continues to 'hear' my reflective mirror --my observations/thoughts and feelings concerning his words and actions/inactions as b.s.--- as me trying to control him.

How self destructive.

How disrespectful and dishonoring.

What a prescription for remaining 'stuck'.

So sad.

Looking forward to this series. Thanks for all you do.

thank you for posting SadChristine

thank you for your comment.  i'm sorry it's so hard for you right now.  unfortunately i was the same way early on.  maybe he will open up to the voice of another sometime soon?  i met my match with Rick and he slowly but surely deconstructed the wall i had put up. i hope the best for you both and am so glad you're here. 


Thank you for your blog this am. I am new to this, via a long distance friend of mine who is also recovering. My spouse is doing everything right. He is trying his best. He has changed his ways. I remain stuck. Just as I feel I can move forward for a day, something, or someone comes back to break the wound wide open. I feel my inability to heal is going to cause him to lose hope and give up. I just need to know how to put one foot in front of the other. My initial D day... or day I found there was a problem, was the day he moved out. December 15th. The day I was given proof they were together for several months and loved each other, was January 26th, 4:30 pm 2017. I am stuck. I feel like I am in a bog and just cannot get the suction to let go of my foot to take a step forward.

one day at a time...

1corinthians13 thanks so much for posting.  i'm sorry it's overhwhelming.  are you doing any recovery work for yourself like harboring hope on the site, or are you reading much at all?  what about the bootcamp on the site, have you found and started that?  maybe i can help with providing some insight to help you get unstuck?  

how do they say "it won't help"

I really see this comment for the last 6 months and even in between relapses " I ask to go to an EMS or emso hope for healing. I get the "they don't know our story"" it won't help us reconnect" We have been to two couples counselors and she did her own IC then relapsed at six months. We tried from June to August, relapse. What do you say to someone who won't go the professional way to getting AR professional help? I think based on the relapses that it is time for real help. Am I crazy it seems that the two couples counselors we are seeing don't take her to do any self reflection. Its always about what i did wrong this week, yelling at one of the kids,bringing up her affair. Our counselors seem to think that after the last relapse 6 months ago I should be fine. Should I?

good question....

confusedman, thank you.  it sounds to me like your spouse is afraid to come, quite honestly.  they don't know our story, is a cop out in many ways. you're dealing with Rick and a team of experts who have been specializing in recovery principles related to infidelity and addiction for over 70 collective years, to say that we won't know your story isn't valid my friend.  it's time for a specialist approach.  anything less than that I think is going to frustrate you and continue to create space for relapse.  she needs an expert and shouldn't be afraid to attend an ems weekend when you'd be dealing wth Rick and our team of experts.  here are a few articles to empower you to get her to cooperate:  people change or agree to get help usually at the threat of 1. loss 2. pain 3. consequences.  if i were you, i would tell her that you need expert help and if not, you're not going to continue this journey.  especially after there has been a relapse as well. 


Unfaithful Spouse wants to forget it

I am at 16 months from D Day tried to get him into counseling as he didn't want to talk about it and that last for 3 sessions. He says he is changing on his own and doesn't need help from the porn addiction and affairs both physical and emotional. I had endured trickle truth all the way up until this year so 14 months, and I still believe there is more. I have read books, and watched videos, and followed your blogs and he tells me that all this will just make me worse. I do see changes in him, but not that will last. You cannot just stop doing everything you do and be happy. I have no feelings of love for him, and what makes it worse is the horrible things he told these women about me ( lies) and it was to everyone of them as they told me the same thing. He said he did it to make himself feel better. Not sure if this is a normal thing, but I just wish I knew why this happened, why he can't talk about it and why he says he can't remember anything or doesn't know why he did the things he did. 25 years of Marriage, and I am ready to give up.

im very sorry...

lostlovescars, i'm so sorry.  that's a lot to walk through for you for sure.  here's some general thoughts on why he doesn't want to talk about it as it's shame:  he doesn't want to talk about it as it makes him uncomfortable and angry at himself.  he's embarrassed maybe of what he's done and he's focusing on his uncomfortability and pain rather than yours.  he won't know why he did it as he's not a professional and not an expert.  if he won't get help, you're playing with fire my friend.  i would consdier these resources on getting him to cooperate and get help: and this article as well will help:  to say he doesn't need help is to remain in denial and think he can do it on his own and white knuckle it and he just can't.  decades of data would say that and it's unfortunate he's not bottomed out yet.  if he won't get help and humble himself, I would probably resort to this approach:

What type of affair was it?

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-D, Texas