How do You Handle Defensiveness?- The 4 Horsemen Series - Part 2 Many unfaithful spouses, myself included, struggle with defensiveness after the discovery of their affairs and infidelity. Today, continuing the discussion on the four horsemen, I discuss defensiveness today in part 2 of my 4 part video series. GOTTMAN, J. M., & SILVER, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York, Three Rivers Press.