How Do You Woo Your Betrayed Spouse Back after Infidelity?

Today Samuel shares helpful insight into do's and don'ts for attempting to woo your spouse back.

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what about the opposite?

Samual love this post. I am betrayed and have wished the UW would do this for me. Key take away that may be missed by unfaithful. It really need to be the love language that is going to deposit the most units in the love bank. I don't know wh my wife is so resistant to being intentional to admiration and appreciation. They are so easy to attain require so little effort but its just not her.

lots of factors my friend....

it depends on time.  if there hasn't been much time, she won't know what to do and how to do it and will be more concerned about not rocking the boat than engaging you.  often times us unfaithful simply don't want to rock the boat and we don't engage and we pull back out of shame and fear. 

it depends on the help she's received.  she may not know that she needs and should do this.  much like what i stated above, she may not really understand that engaging you and showing value to you is what she needs to do. 

it depends on her heart.  she may not be able to right now.  she may have her own issues/bitterness/blockage/etc that's going on that's preventing her form being able to be vulnerable and engage her and reach out.  she may simply have so much going on in side she has no clue how to interact with you and engage you.  

again, i don't know a ton about your own timeline but these are some of the things that go on in the mind of the unfaithful.. not excuses, reasonings.  with the right help, heart and timeline, she can change and engage you and help fill the tank.  not on her own though without expert help will she arrive there. 


Love language

I really don't know what my love language is. I'm the betrayed. He has bought gifts for me and I really do like them but it always comes with the expectation of you need to give appreciation be grateful. He does it especially when I'm am so mad hurt and just broken. I can't feel any joy in it. I see it as a payoff. It hurts me worse. And I'm sure he hurts too when I am not happy with it. He just keeps saying I'm trying I want to feel joy excitement and appreciation. But I just cant. I want for him to prove that I'm the one he wants not with gifts but with words and actions. It's been 16months and I am not even sure that I love him anymore I feel a kind of numbness. Lots of trickle truth. I don't know what to do

hi dawn....

that's OK as right now, the love language is tough at every level.  but what help have you received?  what work have you done recovery work wise?  counseling?  bootcamp?  any online course at all?  you're going to need to do some heavy lifting in terms of what i call 'infidelity-specific' recovery work if you're going to get to the other side.  these gifts won't mean much if you haven't been able to do recovery work in terms of having a protocol to work through. sorry for the delay my friend.  

I'm so sorry Dawn. I know

I'm so sorry Dawn. I know what you mean about the numbness from trickle truth. For me it was a million times more damaging than the actual infidelity, without question. I was thinking as I read your post about something I read in Chapman's book on the Love Languages - that people have a tendency to show love in their own language - that that is their instinct. For me this is really true. When I want to show someone I love them, I am physically affectionate. Hugging, holding hands, cuddles, etc. I think my secondary language might be gift giving, because I just do that a lot, and don't really realize I'm doing it. I buy my wife and kids things all the time. I think sometimes its a little excessive.

Have you spoken with him about the love languages? Maybe find out about his? Could be the first step to helping you figure out yours. When have you felt most loved by your husband in the past? What was going on, what were you doing together during those moments? That could tell you something about your love languages. Also, how do you show love to him? Same idea. Its something I had never thought about until I first read about the concept, and then it totally made sense to me.

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