How to Make a Repair Attempt

Today Samuel discusses in this video, how to overcome the four horseman through what John Gottman calls 'repair attempts'.

GOTTMAN, J. M., & SILVER, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York, Three Rivers Press.

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Repair Attempts

A big thank you to not only you, but your wife for continually offering support and the pathway to recovery. I can only imagine there has to be times that both of you want a break from the daily reminders ... Yet it has become your job, so thank you to both of you. Regarding repair attempts; i have shared with my unfaithful spouse EXACTLY what would help me to heal/ repair / provide restitution , yet he chooses not to do it. Example - apologize to my parent. He takes the stance that he should have to / wouldn't help and so on. Doesn't the betrayed get to decide what would help heal/ what would demonstrate a repair attempt. I mean as long as it is not extremely unreasonable ... Doesn't "Whatever it takes" mean " What ever it takes?" What if their are two sides/ different views of what is a repair attempt?

CK4UBTH good question...

whatever it takes means whatever it takes for sure, HOWEVER if the unf spouse is not at a point of "I'M WILLING to do whatever it takes" you will have a problem. he has to have the revelation or breakthrough of understanding to get to that point. when i got to that point with samantha, then things like that were relatively easy to find the motivation to follow through on. i had the inward desire to do whatever it took. i had a sense of fear and reverence and humility to do it. if he doesn't have that, he won't do it and he won't see the urgency or need to do it. if he's unwilling, then you'll have to see how long you can go without consequences to him being the one to decide what needs to happen and what doesn't need to happen, which is a bit arrogant right? the unf decides what the betrayed needs to heal? lunacy kinda. what help have you received and what help has he participated in as you would hope the right help would help him see the need to have a heart's attitude of i'm willing to do whatever it takes to help you heal. at some point you may think, well if that's what you think doesn't need to happen, then at some level, i think this doesn't need to happen: and implement some sort of consequences. it's just a thought. it's also a bit controversial, but you have to think about it and if you are a praying person, pray about it, but it's not something you want to have a knee jerk reaction towards ya know? i'd think carefully about whether or not that's something big enough to be willing to stand on and not relent. i hope that helps you.

Thank you

Samuel, thank you for your timely words... I have been so ready to give up, truthfully this was the encouragement that I needed to ride one more day on this yo-yo. It gives me hope as the betrayed to help me breathe a little longer.

it's comments like these EMIS

that keep me going and give me encouragement that this little video blog is helping and providing hope. thank you for your kind words and for sharing. keep going my friend. one day at a time. don't quit.

one day at a time, don't quit

one day at a time, don't quit. i need to remember that one this week.

want and need help

i will keep this short i am an unfaithful and we went to ems 21/2 yrs ago i was still lying i have since been labled a sex addict . i have now disclosed all my infidelities but need help answering questions in a unhurtful way and self understanding to beable to answer them .all the help i find around here wants to focus on sex addiction first then marriage recovery i need to incorperate both with our marriage recovery first .i am thinking hope for healing and would like your thoughts and can you suggest and other readings funds are an issue but saying my marriage means more
thank you for any help

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