Survivors' Blog

I Felt Like There Was No Way Out...

Samuel discusses the common struggles the unfaithful spouse has with during their affair.

Comments

Felt like there was no way out

Submitted by Sabrina (not verified) on Tue, 08/01/2017 - 21:24

I told myself today "there is just no way out for me". I googled what I'm feeling and I came across your video. Wow! You have no idea how much I needed to hear your words about starting the process to end an affair. thank you

wow sabrina....

Submitted by Samuel on Wed, 08/02/2017 - 08:38

that's such great news. i'm so encouraged by that. you can't imagine how much that encourages me that you found it and it helped. if i can do anything else at all please let me know.

so glad you're here.

You really helped me start

Submitted by Sabrina (not verified) on Wed, 08/02/2017 - 22:45

You really helped me start the process. I didn't know how my affair and the thoughts of leaving my life for him would really effect those I love. I started the process last night. Told him it was truly over. It's hard because we work together and I see him at work from time to time, but I did break off all contact. Today was the first day I've gone an entire day without contact. I feel like I'm grieving for someone that just passed. It's hard because I feel like I love him, but I know it's just a fantasy.

you need support to keep it done though...

Submitted by Samuel on Thu, 08/03/2017 - 08:50

Sabrina,

you'll need support and help friend. it won't be over like a light switch. you'll need to do recovery work as well and need support. here is a series on ending the affair and keeping it ended you'll want to read: https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/ending-an-affair-step-one-make-the-decision

you don't want to go back and forth back and forth and will power is never enough. let me know what I can do my friend.

going on 2 months of no contact

Submitted by coastal girl (not verified) on Mon, 08/07/2017 - 14:51

My affair partner and I were both caught by his wife, 2 months ago, I am married as well. It's been two months with no contact and I am dying inside. I know it's for the best, we have hurt so so many people, but I'm still struggling not talking to my AP. We were together for 9 months and now it's all gone and I feel empty inside. But after doing a lot of soul searching and reading, I know this is for the best, we need to let go of each other and go on with our own life's. But my heart still loves him at the moment.

understandable....

Submitted by Samuel on Wed, 08/09/2017 - 09:08

hi coastalgirl. it's normal. i'm sure it hurts deeply. have you read the series on ending the affair? it will help as Rick and I wrote it a while ago to try and help those who were in that situation try and break free, and stay free and heal. here is the series: https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/ending-an-affair-step-one-make-the-decision I would read that series and use it and continue to get help. i'm so glad you're on the site.

Hi Samuel,

Submitted by Crystall on Tue, 08/08/2017 - 04:51

Hi Samuel,

My husband confessed to never having the "what if we get caught" discussion with his AP. He did, however, have a brief (very brief, too brief, not thought through at all brief) talk with himself. He, himself and his majesty agreed that they would not get caught and if, his wife would be upset but that she would get over it. After all, his intention was never to hurt anyone. He admitted that he had never, for the life of him, thought that the hurt, disappointment and anger would be this devastating.

To any unfaithful spouses out there, do not try and convince yourself that you don't want to hurt your spouse or that they will just be upset. If you do get caught, you WILL hurt your spouse. You WILL devastate your spouse. Your spouse will not just be angry and will, most certainly, not just get over it.

same

Submitted by debic on Thu, 09/28/2017 - 12:32

Crystal - same. He told himself he could just end it. Told himself I would never have to find out. When he told her, many times, that he couldn't keep doing this, she would always say, "they'll be fine (me, my kids)" and he would think maybe she was right. He ended it for good on January 2nd and, after being 100% unsuspecting, I began to find things out on the 3rd. The evidence he couldn't deny came out on the 8th and I confronted him. He had no choice but to confess. Of course not all at one time (why do they insist that it's better to not be honest because honesty will hurt us more???) I have asked him so many times if he really thought I would be okay. And of course now he sees that the devastation is so much deeper and more intense than he ever dreamt. I also tell him, "I wish I really was the bitch you thought I was, then this wouldn't hurt so badly." Almost nine months since D Day and I am a long long way from "over it"
If you went to an EMS weekend or did EMS online you know that the letter you write to your betrayer about all the things his affair cost him is very helpful. I watched my husband read it and saw the look on his face. So sad. Such a waste. So much pain for all of us for nothing.

Wise Words

Submitted by pwrwagn on Mon, 08/14/2017 - 16:04

Im the unfaithful and something you said (well all of what you said) rang true to me and my situation. As I spiraled downward during my affair(s) I started individual counseling which was extremely helpful as I was able to understand my own issues which in large part influenced my poor choices I had made. During this time the new found understanding and therapy awakened me to the point where I understood I had to stop doing what I was doing. I decided to confess to my wife without first talking to my counselor. I didn't put enough planning and thought into this confession first and unfortunately didn't not get everything out I needed to - believing half way through my confession it was just to much. My shame was to powerful and the pain I was inflicting on my wife to great. Not being better prepared stopped me from full disclosure which led to a second D-Day a couple months later. This further hurt my wife and now a year later building trust is that much more difficult because of that second D-Day. Fortunately I was better prepared for the second D-Day and in a counselors office I was able to get the rest of it out. I greatly regret putting my wife through a second D-Day and it very nearly led to a divorce that day. If you are considering confessing. Or if you get caught, do yourself a favor, save your spouse the agony of a 2nd D-Day by not keeping any more secrets.

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