Hi Samuel,

My husband confessed to never having the "what if we get caught" discussion with his AP. He did, however, have a brief (very brief, too brief, not thought through at all brief) talk with himself. He, himself and his majesty agreed that they would not get caught and if, his wife would be upset but that she would get over it. After all, his intention was never to hurt anyone. He admitted that he had never, for the life of him, thought that the hurt, disappointment and anger would be this devastating.

To any unfaithful spouses out there, do not try and convince yourself that you don't want to hurt your spouse or that they will just be upset. If you do get caught, you WILL hurt your spouse. You WILL devastate your spouse. Your spouse will not just be angry and will, most certainly, not just get over it.

Im the unfaithful and something you said (well all of what you said) rang true to me and my situation. As I spiraled downward during my affair(s) I started individual counseling which was extremely helpful as I was able to understand my own issues which in large part influenced my poor choices I had made. During this time the new found understanding and therapy awakened me to the point where I understood I had to stop doing what I was doing. I decided to confess to my wife without first talking to my counselor. I didn't put enough planning and thought into this confession first and unfortunately didn't not get everything out I needed to - believing half way through my confession it was just to much. My shame was to powerful and the pain I was inflicting on my wife to great. Not being better prepared stopped me from full disclosure which led to a second D-Day a couple months later. This further hurt my wife and now a year later building trust is that much more difficult because of that second D-Day. Fortunately I was better prepared for the second D-Day and in a counselors office I was able to get the rest of it out. I greatly regret putting my wife through a second D-Day and it very nearly led to a divorce that day. If you are considering confessing. Or if you get caught, do yourself a favor, save your spouse the agony of a 2nd D-Day by not keeping any more secrets.