Survivors' Blog

If you can't Accept Where you're at, you'll Never Get to Where you Want to be

Today let's discuss the concept of denying your reality in recovery and how dangerous this denial can be.

Comments

Re: when betrayals happen to trauma survivors

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Sat, 09/05/2015 - 07:21

I watch all the blogs and find hope in them all, though Samuel's generally end up really hitting home. The topic's are often so on point to my situation on any given day, I wonder if I'm being spied on (joking).
I'm currently coming off my second discovery of my husband being unfaithful (I caught him before he had an opportunity to follow through on having a physical affair this time) about 2 1/2 years (and a lot of therapy dollars) after the first discovery (when I caught him in several affairs). I put a lot of work and energy into those 2 1/2 years and made a lot of progress in trusting, forgiving and loving again. It was especially hard because I have a vast history of abuse (physical, sexual and emotional), abandonment, and sexual assault. Upon this past discovery, he wanted to end the marriage and leave....I saw him running in shame and self-deception and talked him into staying....basically stating that if he left, he would be giving up without ever having given us a full and fair shot.
Now, about 3 months later, I see him trying and doing his work in therapy but I'm feeling like the one who has given up. I feel myself going numb to him and shutting down. Does it make sense to say that I can't imagine a future without him but I can't imagine a present with him? I'm scared of engaging the coping defenses I've had to use in my past, to just survive. If that happens, I'll close myself off from my husband and disappear but maybe if I don't protect myself, he'll catch me off guard yet again? I need help to learn how to be ok with trusting when you've been burned as many times as I have by people who aren't, by nature, supposed to hurt you but do carelessly. Any helpfully intended feedback is very welcomed but especially, if Samuel could find time to reach out, I would be very grateful!

anonymous....it's a tough situation for sure...

Submitted by Samuel on Tue, 09/08/2015 - 22:20

thank you for your kind words and for your comments. i always hope and pray my vlogs are timely and instrumental as best they can in some simple vlog ya know? so you're encouraging me more than you know. i know you've been through a lot indeed. that's just a whole lot to process and work through in life and now, to add infidelity, it's excruciating I'm quite sure. i'm deeply sorry for the pain you are in, and to be looking over your shoulder time and time again, wondering when the next nightmare is going to happen, is no way to live. this ebook will help though. it's called the shocking truth about trust and Rick wrote it for people in your specific situation. you'll click this link and you can then download the ebook: https://www.affairrecovery.com/shocking-truth-about-trust-0 it will help with perspective and insight for sure. it's incredibly normal to say you can't see yourself with him or without him. more normal than you know. i think you're going to need to see a sense of resurrection to the marriage or a new marriage birthed out of the ashes of what you have now. it's MORE than possible. it's definitely attainable beyond a shadow of a doubt. it's not easy, nor fun at some level, but it's definitely possible my friend. while three months of recovery work is great, it's not very long at all and I'd consider taking the next step to doing some deep recovery work like the ems weekend here on the site. it saved my life and saved my marriage and I believe in it wholeheartedly. you can find it here: https://www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-weekend see what you think after reading the ebook on trust and then we'll talk again. you can post here or email me through the info@hope-now.com email. thank you again for posting.

Thank you

Submitted by JessK (not verified) on Fri, 09/11/2015 - 20:54

I'm super grateful for you reaching back. The one thing that has always helped me stay resilient through life is hope....somehow I still manage to have some. I will certainly read this book with zeal. I would love an opportunity to try to immerse in help but I don't know when life will allow us to do so....I have tried to enter for the free raffles in the past and will continue to try. I stumbled in to this site three years ago when I didn't know where else to turn...while still trying to find a therapist that was a good fit and when SA wasn't helping. These vlogs continue to renew my hope. Thank you for the recommendation and I will keep watching!

This - along with MANY other

Submitted by Ranae (not verified) on Sat, 09/05/2015 - 12:11

This - along with MANY other blogs - is SOOO powerful! I have got SO much from AR and in particular, your blogs Sam! Thank you!! Just wondering if there is an email address I could contact directly to get some personal advice and direction please? It's been 12+ months since discovery for us and we are in desperate need of some expert help and guidance!! I am at my wits end.
Thank you in advance.

sure thing...you can email the staff

Submitted by Samuel on Tue, 09/08/2015 - 22:00

you can email the staff at info@hope-now.com and have them send me the email and I'll do my best to answer asap. thank you again for your kind words and for watching.

if you can't accept...

Submitted by Joanna (not verified) on Sat, 09/05/2015 - 16:32

what if the unfaithful never (to your perception) wants to take these steps
what if they "were" a christian when you married, they passionately wanted both and all of your children to be raised in the christian faith but then they left (apparently unilaterally and permanently) and have never expressed any christian faith since (although they occasionally see the children) - i think there is nothing to be done (other than prayer)
if you disagree let me know

faith issues...

Submitted by Samuel on Tue, 09/08/2015 - 22:06

joanna, thank you for the question. 1. it's easy for many to suddenly forsake their faith when they have started cheating and having an affair. it's very convenient, insert sarcastic tone, to stop believing in God when we've decided to do what we want and not listen to anyone else, especially God, ya know? so i'd understand that we have to justify our affair to ourselves first so it's very easy, if not a necessity to disown our faith and run from God so we don't feel bad about what we're doing and what we've done. we kinda need to let go of our faith to make ourselves feel better about our choices and desire to do what we want, even though we know it's wrong. and against all sound wisdom. 2. at some level, you can pray as prayer works for sure. it's not up to you, it's up to God and to your spouse to answer God's promptings and God's call. not to minimize prayer and say it's all you can do, but at some level, it's about surrendering control and allowing God to do what he feels is best. you can't control his behavior but you can control your own. if he chooses not to respond to God's leading or promptings, well, it won't be your fault and it won't be able to be hung upon your head. you've done all you can and are continuing to do all you can and will stand before God knowing you prayed your heart out, but at the end of the day, it wasn't your fault. i sure hope that helps you. i'll be praying for you.

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Help: My Unfaithful Spouse Refuses to End the Affair

Why the Betrayed Spouse Wants the Unfaithful Spouse to Take Initiative in Recovery Work

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What type of affair was it?

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