Infidelity Belief 1: I'm Never Going to Be the Same Again

Samuel tackles the mindset of never being the same again after discovering infidelity.

Add New Comment:


Thank you Samuel.

Thank you Samuel.

It Depends

No question, what one does with challenges will affect the results. Can't be otherwise. I believe this is the first time I've ever disagreed with anything you've said though, Samuel.

Problem is, after 12 years running of never-ending traumas that involved horrible betrayals of one sort or another from different people (most not having been wholly "resolved" in my head), the suffering of too many rapid losses through death or other events, and then the 'icing on the cake' of marital betrayal coupled with the ongoing daily struggle and near-daily emotionally abusive/neglectful/avoidant behaviors of my clinically "low Emotional Intelligence" spouse, all of this has culminated in what is now a serious and likely life-long health condition for me. Just too much loss and grief for too long, so I've lost all my former resilience to deal with challenges. I'm so overwhelmingly sad and traumatized over my life now, I could spend 24/7 just trying to mitigate for and heal from all I've been dealt...and worse, challenges which I obviously attracted in an endless stream into my life. I'm aware of all this, but just can't keep up with it all, so the onslaught of negative circumstances keep coming, wearing me down even more.

So my current opinion is that, depending on how many unusually bad, shocking events happen in one's life, and how often, you may not come away being able to think that "new life is ALWAYS better than old life." Certain periods of my "old life" that I sincerely cherished and felt so grateful for at the time (despite any challenges then), can never be brought back or repeated. And by comparison I LOATHE my new life, and can't make myself believe anymore that it will improve.

What if you LIKED who you WERE?

This is a slightly-venting-yet-realistic question, but...
What if you actually LIKED who you were before your spouses affair, and you miss that person? I wasn't vain, it's not like that, but I was happy... with myself, with my children, with the person I thought he was, with God... you name it, I LOVED it. Now, well, most days I'm either walking around numb or wishing I was.
I will truly never be the same. I suffer CPTSD, and that's permanent. Treatable, but permanent. Who knew you could love so hard that the shock of it all crashing could almost fry your brain? It's tragic. Not ALL change is good.
The crazy part is, to many people in my shoes, my situation may be the 'ideal ' for hope! Upon discovery, my non-Christian husband (I'm a Christian) repented, gave his life to God , sought men's counseling (til the funds ran out), owned his faults (if not somewhat distorted), gave up his life of sex addiction, and proclaims his love for me daily. Me? I'm fighting through a jungle of vine-like distorted thoughts, constant triggers, self loathing, suicidal thoughts (occasionally ), disassociation, hyper vigilance, eating disorders, and the list goes on and on. The kicker? We're 20 months out, and that last sentence describes the more stable me (I've stopped hallucinating, fortunately without medication).

I miss myself. Sadly, I remember the former me. I remember who I was when I was full of adventure, hope, and creativity. And love. I wasn't perfect, far from it actually, and I've never been in denial of that. But I lived content, except in my marriage. Still, I loved him utterly.
No, I wasn't always this cynical (I miss optimism). Yes, I STILL believe in God, and I cling to faith (when I can think). But I MISS myself, the dreams I had, and the marriage I thought we would have.

I agree, change in life is inevitable. Good or bad, right or wrong, it's coming. Grief is a part of life. Just like joy, however fleeting.
How do you grieve when you feel like you've lost every good thing, only to gain what you never wanted?

What type of affair was it?

Our free Affair Analyzer provides you with insights about your unique situation and gives you a personalized plan of action.
Take the Affair Analyzer

Free Surviving Infidelity Bootcamp

Our experts designed this step-by-step guide to help you survive infidelity. Be intentional with your healing with this free 7-day bootcamp.
I would highly recommend giving this a try.
-D, Texas