It’s the Lying…. In my own story, the infidelity was almost debilitating to Samantha. Had our youngest, who was about 5 weeks old, not needed Samantha as much as he did, I’m just not sure she would have gotten out of bed most days. Yes, my affair was gruesome and altered our lives forever. The fact that I was intimate both emotionally and physically with my affair partner for over two years was ruthlessly difficult to hear and wrap her mind around. I heard this quote from a therapist not too long ago and I’ve found it to be immensely true: “Most people can forgive the infidelity….it’s the lying they can’t get over.” What makes recovery impossible is the perpetual drip feeding of new information rather than getting it out all at once. The “wait, there’s more” feeling not only paralyzes the betrayed spouse, but starts their recovery timeline all over again, breeds mistrust, and gives them no chance to gain any ground emotionally. Often times it’s not only once, but again and again and again. As recovery begins to take shape, lying will make momentum next to impossible. Even if not outright lying, the appearance of lying can make a betrayed spouse flood like crazy. When an unfaithful spouse comes home and recaps their day and says they had burgers for lunch, yet the spouse finds a receipt for chicken fingers, it’s the appearance of more lying. Carelessness with details can cause more damage than you may understand. Early on in recovery, as a couple is newly starting to build momentum, the details need to be myopically clear and accurate to help rebuild trust over the next season (which is usually a long period of time). The reminders and flooding a betrayed spouse feels is like an assault on them each time there is a question of what the unfaithful spouse did or said. To say a betrayed spouse is then triggered when there is ‘misinformation’ is an understatement, and while it may not seem huge to the unfaithful spouse, it is. The unfaithful spouse can take the approach of, “I just forgot what I had for lunch. It’s not like I’m cheating again or doing something illicit, I just forgot what I ate.” I would disagree and say you were careless with your details and are not taking the approach towards building trust with enough care and concern for what your betrayed spouse is dealing with. Their recovery must be managed by you too. Before you freak out at that statement, every unfaithful spouse has to have an idea of how their actions will affect their mate. To say “it’s no big deal,” when in fact, it will trigger a big deal in the mind of the betrayed, takes no account for what is going on inside the betrayed. There is a bigger picture which must be understood. NOTE: This particular entry does not in any shape, fashion or form condone an approach of “see, I’m being honest now, get over my affair(s).” That’s insidious. Today’s entry is more for perspective and understanding the mind of a betrayed and how the unfaithful must go the extra mile to help support the other’s recovery.
