Understanding the Layers of Infidelity

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So we have taken EMS weekend

Submitted by Karen58 on Thu, 12/17/2015 - 11:55

Both of us in individual therapy. He says he wants the marriage and feels remorse, but not apparent by his actions. He won't talk about any of it unless I bring it up. He has forgiven himself and moved on, acts like everything is normal and nothing has even happened. He left me with his load of 20 years of sewage to deal with. when I mention that I feel like I am driving recovery and I have to remind him to do our MFL homework and videos and that I don't really see remorse, he just says that if I could only look into his heart I would see it. I don't have x-Ray eyes, so that's a little bit hard. Last disclosure of trickle truth was in April during EMSO. It will be 3 years since Dday 1 on Christmas Day. As long as I don't mention the affairs, we are ok. He never initiates talking about them or asks me if I need to talk. I am finding it difficult to forgive and not harbor resentment. I don't want to be this way for another year of this 37 year marriage. So how long do I need to continue being brave? Please tell me how to keep on and be brave and not give up. I feel like I am just surviving each day, barely hanging on. This has gone on for too long. Thanks so much for any help you can give. I appreciate all that you have done to put it out there candidly and truthfully.

Right there with you Karen58

Submitted by SLM on Fri, 12/18/2015 - 04:54

Thank you Samuel. I so appreciate your blogs and I am SO thankful that God is allowing you to use you hurt, pain, and mistake to help others. Also the fact that you are willing and able to be so honest and forth coming. I wish I had an email address for you.

Karen58 I know exactly how you feel. I am right there with you on the things that you describe about your husband. Mine is EXACTLY the same. We have been married for 23 years. The final D-day was 5/2013. Everyone says "focus on your healing and stop worrying about his." I just can't figure out how to do that if we continue to be married and living together. When he makes little efforts and appears that he is going to actually work on his recovery it gives me such hope, but it NEVER last very long. He says that I never have to worry about him cheating again because once he saw the damage it did to me, he could never do that again. I just don't believe him. He says that he won't allow it to happen again. Those to me are just empty words and a promise that he can't live up to because he claims "he just could not stop himself" the other three times. So unless he does the recovery work and works to change, I think that it is just a mater of time before it happens again. I have explained to him many, many times unless I see him doing the work that it takes for him to be a safe, caring, remorseful, grateful, and changed man then he will leave me no choice but to divorce him. That is not what I want, but I am not willing to and can not continue to accept less than I deserve.

Amber (New!)

Alumna, Grateful Wayward. Strong believer in small group recovery and the power of sharing our faith, experience, strength, and hope in community. Miracles happen.

Norman (New!)

Alumnus, betrayed. Be a voice of encouragement for those in pain and navigating emotional trauma. The journey to healing can seem impossible, but don’t ever give up as there is a light at the end of that tunnel. Please show yourself compassion, grace, and love.

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