When Will the Unfaithful Have Feelings for Their Spouse Again?

Samuel answers the question of when desire returns to the picture for the unfaithful spouse.

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Seeing the light

Samuel,
Once things became clearer to you after the affair was over (justifications exposed and with self reflection) and seeing your wife anew, did you know in your heart know you’d never cheat again?
My husband feels like a new man. He says he could never be unfaithful again. saying that that the man he is becoming couldn’t use all of the justifications that he used before and that he doesn’t need to get validation in that way. He says that he couldn’t do those things and separate it from our relationship, like he used to. These are great things to here, but My heart is in protection mode. 10 years two affairs and two one night stands. Forgiveness is in play now, but not forgetting. How long did it take your wife to “embrace” the changed you and feel love and safety.

completely understandable...

happy girl, completely understandable.  first of all, it's not about what we feel....and so (and i'm very direct on this as I believe it's a major pitfall for so many) but while he may feel like a new man, he's not.  he's the same man, with new information and new insight, but still the same man, capable of the same things and his will power wasn't enough before.  that's the rub:  appreciate our new found insight, while understanding what we are capable of without grace, or without boundaries to protect us.  it took a good 9 months to a year to embrace the new me, but a few years of consistent recovery before she wasn't in protection mode.  love and safety will come for sure, but it takes years to sucessfully rebuild it.  it will come in waves for sure, but I would commit to the process....typically a few years to be healthy and healed and not in protection mode.  this is a great article with a timeline too:

https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/2010-03-timeline  thanks for watching and posting. 

 

Thanks so much for the reply

Thanks so much for the reply & link. Always love to get more insight.
We have been pretty good about trying to absorb as much as we can from the AR website, books and our therapy sessions (also attended EMS weekend).
This walk is not for the weak on either side of the equation. I quit in my head a couple of times a day, but recommit (not always ecause I feel it). Because I know it doesn’t get better in a day.
I have a repentant husband, two beautiful little boys, and I’m scared out of my wits that this new version of our life could fall apart because of his selfishness winning out. The reconciliation work is so hard. Maybe because now I’m getting a taste of what I could have and it’s a pretty great future. It would be crushing to lose this too.
I’m a very imperfect woman. Full of flaws and ridiculousness, but I love big and genuinely. I think God saved me from my husband and him
From himself because he would not have ever willingly given up his vices. But I believe what you say about still being the same person and being intentional with choices. I’m struggling with not having guarantees or a safety net. I sure would love either, but Faith will have to do.
Thanks again to you and your wife for putting yourselves out here for all of us, so that we can see that happiness and love is attainable together after this pain.

I don't have THAT chip

Thank you so much for taking the time to make these videos i watch them on youtube and i have to say that they have helped me a lot!!
I know in this video you talked a little about when the betrayed spouse will have feelings again for the unfaithful spouse. I was wondering if you could help me a little more with that. My husband has done pretty much all the things you listed in the video. the bootcamp we go to couples therapy, but sometimes i feel like i don't have that forgiveness chip. Have i put up a mental block?? I feel like i just don't know HOW to forgive him. am i doing recovery wrong?? is there a forgiveness 12 step program (lol) if you could help me that would be great again Thank you for all you have done. you truly are a blessing

suggestions

hi beyonce, it's normal to feel that way.  i totally get it and i'm sorry it's so hard.  however, you would have to be the monumental  exception in life to not have the forgiveness chip inside you, as it's part of life, adulthood and moving forward.  but it's not something you can just snap your fingers and have.  it takes work, specific work, and the right help.  you really need something called 'infidelity-specific' help to heal.  something that takes the infidelity and uses it to start to heal.   something like this:  https://www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope or if he is willing to attend, something like this weekend intensive:  https://www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-weekend  it's not that you're doing it wrong but i feel it's probably insufficient recovery work that's more general care and not specific.  this article will share more about it:  https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/infidelity-counseling  I would venture to say what's lacking is expedrt care from those who have been through it before themselves.  what do you think after reading and looking at the links?  happy to visit with you more.  samuel@hope-now.com is easier and quicker to get me too.

 

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