Why the Betrayed may Hate you

Early on after discovery, Samantha said she hated me. It's a normal emotion of the betrayed but requires the right approach to diffuse the intensity of emotion.

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what if you did not hate?

Submitted by dfulcher on Wed, 08/12/2015 - 14:28

What if you did not hate your wife for what she did? What if you did not screen and yell? What if you did not call her names? What if you were the calm one? I have heard many many times that there should be anger and screeming and all sorts of fights. What if that is not what happened? Yes I got mad a few times once when I flooded and triggered at the same time and a few times when I caught her contacting her AP but it was more shutting to be heard and frustration of not getting it and with in an hour I was calm and talking normally. I ask because you are not the first or only one I have heard or read that came out and said if there is no hate and anger now it will only come out latter. Am I suppose to make myself hat or get angry? That is just not what I had decided to do from the start. In the begining all I had to go by was the bible. So I looked to Jesus to know what to do. The only time he got angry was in the market place with the money changers. And in a sence the moments I found my wife doing what she should no be doing I got angry. When she was not I was not angry I never remember a time when I felt like I hatted her. Dissapointed o fften sad yes but never hate. God says love your enemy an unfaithful spouse is in a sence an enemy so to speak so my desire was to live her. I did everything I could do early on to reinforce my live for her. Wedding photos remembering good times in the past, the birth of all our kids. I so saturated myself we things like that that my love for her only grew. So am I heading for a break down? I have tried the best I can to lay the ground work of a solid recovory for me and then our marriage so uf there is something I am missing I would love to know what it is so I can prepaid or prevent it from happening. Again I have heard many people involved in infidility recovery say what you have said and I just don't understand so I have asked a serious question. What does it mean if I did not hate?
David

david...

Submitted by Samuel on Wed, 08/12/2015 - 14:52

thanks for commenting david. fact is, some cope differently. what i look for and what others look for is to make sure you are 'present' as they say in 12 steps. present in the pain. we all cope differently. it sounds like you have your head on straight and aren't a stuffer like many. you've shared a lot of the months, and I don't take you for a stuffer or for someone who is refusing to feel. if you've coped and are coping well and feel like you have been 'present' in the pain, I think it's wonderful. if things crop up in the future, then you'll process them then, ya know? but for now, i think if you're present and self aware, I think you've gone to the depths of what you've needed to process thus far. how far out are you again? please forgive me if i upset you as it's hard to cover it all in these small blogs, but i think as long as you're self aware and have done recovery work to move forward and process the pain and not hide from it, you may have coped differently and that's not bad at all.

Thank you for replying Samuel

Submitted by dfulcher on Wed, 08/12/2015 - 17:09

Thank you for replying Samuel I have taken a path much different then most but it has been something that has come up over and over again in different places I have gone trying to learn all I can. I guess the one aera that it has effected is my wife for she saw little of what I went through early on and when we did EMSO she saw a much different thing going on with the other couples then what she saw with me. I was working a lot especially early on so many of my early struggles occurred when I was away from her. It will be two years the end of this month. I healed very quickly mostly because of my faith. You want to know just how profound? I was saved just before we were married back in 1988 I gave myself to Christ mostly because I just knew that with out Christ I would not be able to stay married. How true that has turned out to be. I asked because I was just wondering if there was something I was over looking. I guess the fear is burying it and I know that is something my wife is doing and has done in the past do not think that is what I have done. Being in the business of repairing cars I have always done my best to get to the cause of the problem and in mist cases in order to do tgat you have to have a very good understanding of how the system works if you know how things work you are much better able to figure out what hapoened so you have a better chance of trying to make sure your repair will not only fix it but maybe keep it from happening again. So I guess I handled all of this pretty much the same way. Do you know just how much faster you can heal and move on once you have a plan and knowledge of what to do. Now the frustrating part is you can only work on oneself you have to trust God to work on the other. If I have any complaint in this is that God's time frame is not the same as I was hoping for. I do think I may have made things to easy for my wife, you did mention that the unfaithful should expearance the betrayed anger and pain so they are better able to trully understand the real consequences of their actions which I can see can be a good thing and probably helps build empathy in the unfaithful. Thanks again for your blogs anything that can keep you tjinking and learning is a good thing.
David

Hating your spouse

Submitted by Frieda (not verified) on Sun, 10/10/2021 - 00:09

My husband and I have been married for 24 yrs. I found out about the first infidelity about ten yrs. ago. My husband didn't have affairs; he had multiple hook ups with multiple partners. He said they didn't mean anything and I am the only person he ever loved. I thought the behavior had stopped. I found out that this same behavior is going on and he admitted it never stopped. In the meantime we have gone through major financial problems because he began drinking heavily. He gets angry with me because have so many questions. We have awful fights and I get so angry. I say horrible things to him. He says I won't move on and there is nothing he can do about it because I choose to wallow and not be happy. When I tell him I am hurting and in pain he says I am always looking for something to complain about and I want someone else to fix my problems instead of dealing with it myself. He claims that I am abusive. It makes me furious! He won't believe I am suffering and I that I don't choose to feel this way. He accuses me of wanting things to be bad.
I asked him to watch this video. I turned it on and he continued to scroll through Facebook. He started to pay attention when you said, " this isn't an excuse to prolong or beat up on your spouse" and said that is what I am doing. As soon as it got to the part where you say that it isn't the betrayed spouses job to make the unfaithful get it he said, "Did you hear that part?" The video continued and when it was done I asked him if he heard the part about the trauma I am experiencing and the flooding of pain and emotions. He said yes but, that I just want to ignore what you said about not using this as an excuse to beat him up. He claimed that I just want to abuse him and get revenge. That is not a all what I am doing. I am in so much pain and he doesn't care. We ended up getting in yet another fight and they always end the same way.; he is angry and says he can't take this anymore. He either leaves or goes to sleep. He never says he's sorry or shows me any empathy or compassion. I cannot afford to separate right now. Do some unfaithful spouses never get it? How can I heal when I have to live with him?

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