Why I Hated Samantha's Journal

Samuel shares the lessons he learned the hard way about Samantha's journal and going deep in recovery.

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Hi Samuel. I've been thinking about this blog for a week or so, because I feel it is super important. Most betrayed people I know do keep a journal. The overwhelming, gut wrenching, and all consuming pain --cry to be written out. My journal was less about what my husband had done "wrong", but what his selfishness had cost me, and more importantly, our three boys who had to live through the nightmare.

Here's where I differ al little and it's due to what my husband and I call the "teflon factor".

He has been able to share with me that moving from apathy to empathy took about 18 months from BD. Now mind you, he continued his adultery for 9 months after discovery, as we all know that adultery is hard to quit cold turkey. My belief is that the villianization, justification, new sex hormones, and down right lies the adulterer tells themselves to elevate their guilt, forms a kind of teflon coating over their heart and eyes which allows them protection from the atrocities of intimate betrayal which they are afflicting on their spouse (and family!).

I know this may sound a little brutal. But as you can discern by now, my husband broke my heart, acted beyond any measure I could have comprehended he was capable of, and left my three boys with an unfortunate burden and example of what not to do when you're feeling broken. My journal is raw. There are times when I read it that I weep because I can remember the pain. I lost 15 pounds during those horrible months (when I had none to loose), my hair started falling out, and I developed GERD.

Worst of all, I was so lost in the pain and bewilderment, I wasn't the same mother to my boys. I simply had days where getting through the next 7 minutes was my goal.

I think it takes a very strong person to be able to go back and honestly reflect and "feel" their spouses in those words. And I don't think most adulterers are ready to even attempt it until a few years down the line when the teflon lining and all the other toxic chemical buffers have run their course.

Journaling is also good because you can look back as a betrayed spouse and ponder the unimaginable strength that got you through.

i would agree to the teflon covering....

you're absolutely right. we have to cover our hearts to be able to justify what we're doing. i think it's so true that we, the unfaithful, do all we can to empower the affair and not have to come up for air or come up for sobriety if you will. we just want to relieve the pain in life and frustration we feel and you're right, we cover our hearts to reinforce the lie that we supposedly don't have any other options. thank you for your courage and for your thoughts here.

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