Why Not Commit to the Marriage? Part 2

Samuel continues this series sharing more barriers that keep couples from committing to get healthy after discovery infidelity.

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So many of these seem like

So many of these seem like they can be applicable in our situation. 3 weeks into EMSO and he still hasn't signed/made the 90 day commitment. It just hurts all the more, making me feel like neither me, nor our children are worth the commitment and he wants to keep a toe out the door so he can bolt if he finally decides to finalize the divorce after over a year of inaction on it. He's resentful of years of not feeling loved, he's in shame, he's ambivalent right now. I cried as I watched this because so much of it felt familiar. One of the things I hear fairly frequently is, "you seem fixated on this situation (affair), but it's about so much more. The affair was a symptom of the the bigger issue." Thing is, it doesn't seem like he realizes that in dealing with this, it will be inclusive of the other 'stuff'; that it will help us to uncover the root cause(s); that it will give us communication tools to deal with those other issues once we've figured them out.
I'm living in fear that his love is conditional and that without that commitment, neither one of us can fully/completely be our true selves around the other.

that hurts for sure....

i'm sorry for the pain you're feeling. i would strongly suggest you consider the ems weekend asap and here's why: he's actually fixated on not talking about it, rewriting history and justifying the affair to himself and to others. he needs an expert like Rick and the other therapists like john and leslie to help him see how off he is in his own calibration as well as how off he is in understanding what recovery looks like. without an expert he's kinda 'holed up' in his own dysfunction and shame. stay in emso for sure as it will continue to go deeper, but i'd suggest considering the ems weekend asap and getting with Rick or john or Leslie at the weekend as they will address that strategically and graciously. he's trapped. trapped in his own shame and confusion. trapped in his own justification and self deception.

What type of affair was it?

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I would highly recommend giving this a try.
-D, Texas