Why the Unfaithful Spouse Refuses to Give Their Betrayed Spouse Details about Their Affair

Samuel shares practical insight into why the unfaithful hesitates to give details about their affair.

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This is a good video. I hope

This is a good video. I hope couples who are near discovery take this to heart. My husband fit so many of the situations you described and I not understanding just how dysfunctional my husbands thinking and core really was, truly did NOT understand that he wasn’t healthy enough to respond in healthy ways. I was still hanging on to the man I had always believed he was. It took a months to truly see him clearly. I think my expectations were way too high on how he would respond, embrace recovery....
I knew the cheating was selfish, impulsive and immature, but truly understanding compartmentalizing,
justifying, the high were more than I knew at the time. I think betrayed spouses are truly blindsided by what we are dealing with in truly seeing our partner for who they really are and letting go of the ghost that we knew.
How long did you and your wife discuss the affair? I still find myself at 2 years asking questions (usually when triggered). It’s turned into a weird way that I try to ground myself but usually sets us back. The questions evolved from fact based to now wondering about “feelings” or worse comparisons. Did this happen to ya’ll.

Great comment

Thank you happygirl for your well-formed insights from your situation. Your description of the gap between your reality and your husband's, and the necessity of giving up -- and grieving -- the the ghost of what you thought you shared really resonated with me. It has only been a week since I learned of my husband's sexual compulsion and the tawdry behaviors he has indulged in for half our marriage or more, and your useful observation has clarifies that my traumatic loss is not himself or his chastity per se, but the connection i believed we had and the concept of what our marriage was all about that I had thought we shared. I don't know if I can ever respect him again in certain ways, but thank you and the recovery library for the clarity that I cannot hold my spouse accountable for innately sharing and 100% delivering on my ideals, and that the quality of my life does not depend on him doing so. It remains to be seen whether we find enough common ground between us to establish a new way forward, and whether we have the integrity and strength to deliver on it, but I can at least recognize and avoid the folly of expecting my naturally flawed human husband to manifest my highest ideals, even if he would like to.

More confused than ever

I haven't even finished the video and I'm already lost. As a man of God I am shocked to hear you say that a betrayed would be angry at God. The only person I have not been angry at this whole time is Him! My husband needs help and I cannot force it upon him and all I can do now is pray. I will continue to heal on my own, with God's help. I hope one day he will feel the same way 😊

i'm sorry you're shocked....

i would never want to upset anyone or hurt them nor shock them, but betrayed spouses are angry at God all the time for allowing their spouse to cheat and act out.  it's not God's fault...it's the unfaithful spouse's fault, but betrayed spouses in the thousands struggle with this pain and it's 1. understandable 2. completely normal 3. a pit that some fall in and it takes time and expert help to navigate out of it 4. an essential part of helping a betrayed spouse heal IF they come from faith. I'm very sorry anything I said upset you and we never want content to be upsetting to those in crisis. i do hope you can see the validity of the pain many betrayeds feel.  

Still waiting

I've been watching and learning from your videos for a long while. Simple and condensed story, I discovered my husband's affair Sept 23 2017. He was cold but wanted to reconcile. He however reached out less than a month later (we worked thru that) and again a month after that. After 5 months of no contact, I found him behaving odd and asked him if he was again in contact with her. He told me he was. There are so many things I dont understand. I've asked many questions during that time from original dday and he gave me answers. However since then, other truths have come to surface. So I asked him over ten months ago for his entire full disclosure - his affair story. He has yet to do this. I feel very uncared for and so many emotions of anger/rage/sadness/grief/depression/loneliness (the list goes on as you can imagine). He always tells me he "wants to tell me" but never takes the initiative while makes me feel worse if possible. I'm losing hope and I don't feel taken serious. Which in part is my own undoing since I dont enforce my own boundaries. Why can't I just get thru to him? He seems depressed and upset that I am now becoming more detached but I just feel as though each time I begin to trust in him, he let's me down. I dont even know what to do anymore, totally losing hope in recovery without being able to hit ground zero. Which make me feel even more unworthy - am I just not important enough??


I just found out about my husband's affair May 29, 2020. I found a phone that he had that I was not aware of. Looking through the phone and seeing the pictures and texts made me sick. I became nausea because I was so hurt. I had gone through this with him in 2018 and he assured me he had called the relationship off. I am devastated. I can't sleep, eat nor can I focus. I feel as if I am losing my mind. I have never felt a hurt like this and he acts as if he has done nothing. Please help me

hi there....

i'm so sorry.  i would find a therapist in your area asap.  i would also consider taking our harboring hope course on our site here:  https://www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope  i would also find someone in your circle of friends you trust for help and support.  not advice, but that they would be safe.  not advise you or direct you but love you, care for you and make you feel heard.  that will help immensely.  

Uh Keeps promising to answer written questions

My UH of 37 years had an emotional/sexual affair for over 4 years with a co-worker. D-day was 7-15-20. We started the boot camp but got stuck on the disclosure part. I went through Harbouring hope. We are going to couples therapy. I wrote out my questions about 2 months ago. He says he loves me and wants us to work. He kept saying he would answer my questions, but whenever asked about it he gets angry (even when our therapist told him he had to give me the answers). He finally gave them to me tonight (after a heated argument about it). I haven’t read them yet as I am wanting to pray about it and read them whenever I feel I have time to process them. He also said he would go to therapy on his own as he has finally admitted he has insecurity issues. But, it’s been over a week and he hasn’t made an appointment yet. My therapist basically thinks I’m wasting my time and that he isn’t truly going to seek help on his own; but she also says that I can’t help him. I know he has to want it on his own. I’m at a loss of what to do. I listen to AR videos and your blogs all of the time. They make so much sense to me and are a huge comfort and help. I just wish he cared enough to want to truly do whatever it takes. Thanks for always being direct and honest. Karen.

His refusal to admit the infidelity

I had seen many signs and suspected his infidelity accidentally discovered "proof" through a text from one of his male friends as well as a video he accidentally made while talking to himself about it. I feel that all the reasons you discussed in the tape are valid, but I felt the main reason he continued to deny was to protect the person involved and his relationship with her in order for it to continue.

What type of affair was it?

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-D, Texas