Why the Unfaithful Spouse Refuses to Give Their Betrayed Spouse Details about Their Affair

Samuel shares practical insight into why the unfaithful hesitates to give details about their affair.

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This is a good video. I hope

This is a good video. I hope couples who are near discovery take this to heart. My husband fit so many of the situations you described and I not understanding just how dysfunctional my husbands thinking and core really was, truly did NOT understand that he wasn’t healthy enough to respond in healthy ways. I was still hanging on to the man I had always believed he was. It took a months to truly see him clearly. I think my expectations were way too high on how he would respond, embrace recovery....
I knew the cheating was selfish, impulsive and immature, but truly understanding compartmentalizing,
justifying, the high were more than I knew at the time. I think betrayed spouses are truly blindsided by what we are dealing with in truly seeing our partner for who they really are and letting go of the ghost that we knew.
How long did you and your wife discuss the affair? I still find myself at 2 years asking questions (usually when triggered). It’s turned into a weird way that I try to ground myself but usually sets us back. The questions evolved from fact based to now wondering about “feelings” or worse comparisons. Did this happen to ya’ll.

Great comment

Thank you happygirl for your well-formed insights from your situation. Your description of the gap between your reality and your husband's, and the necessity of giving up -- and grieving -- the the ghost of what you thought you shared really resonated with me. It has only been a week since I learned of my husband's sexual compulsion and the tawdry behaviors he has indulged in for half our marriage or more, and your useful observation has clarifies that my traumatic loss is not himself or his chastity per se, but the connection i believed we had and the concept of what our marriage was all about that I had thought we shared. I don't know if I can ever respect him again in certain ways, but thank you and the recovery library for the clarity that I cannot hold my spouse accountable for innately sharing and 100% delivering on my ideals, and that the quality of my life does not depend on him doing so. It remains to be seen whether we find enough common ground between us to establish a new way forward, and whether we have the integrity and strength to deliver on it, but I can at least recognize and avoid the folly of expecting my naturally flawed human husband to manifest my highest ideals, even if he would like to.

More confused than ever

I haven't even finished the video and I'm already lost. As a man of God I am shocked to hear you say that a betrayed would be angry at God. The only person I have not been angry at this whole time is Him! My husband needs help and I cannot force it upon him and all I can do now is pray. I will continue to heal on my own, with God's help. I hope one day he will feel the same way 😊

i'm sorry you're shocked....

i would never want to upset anyone or hurt them nor shock them, but betrayed spouses are angry at God all the time for allowing their spouse to cheat and act out.  it's not God's fault...it's the unfaithful spouse's fault, but betrayed spouses in the thousands struggle with this pain and it's 1. understandable 2. completely normal 3. a pit that some fall in and it takes time and expert help to navigate out of it 4. an essential part of helping a betrayed spouse heal IF they come from faith. I'm very sorry anything I said upset you and we never want content to be upsetting to those in crisis. i do hope you can see the validity of the pain many betrayeds feel.  

Still waiting

I've been watching and learning from your videos for a long while. Simple and condensed story, I discovered my husband's affair Sept 23 2017. He was cold but wanted to reconcile. He however reached out less than a month later (we worked thru that) and again a month after that. After 5 months of no contact, I found him behaving odd and asked him if he was again in contact with her. He told me he was. There are so many things I dont understand. I've asked many questions during that time from original dday and he gave me answers. However since then, other truths have come to surface. So I asked him over ten months ago for his entire full disclosure - his affair story. He has yet to do this. I feel very uncared for and so many emotions of anger/rage/sadness/grief/depression/loneliness (the list goes on as you can imagine). He always tells me he "wants to tell me" but never takes the initiative while makes me feel worse if possible. I'm losing hope and I don't feel taken serious. Which in part is my own undoing since I dont enforce my own boundaries. Why can't I just get thru to him? He seems depressed and upset that I am now becoming more detached but I just feel as though each time I begin to trust in him, he let's me down. I dont even know what to do anymore, totally losing hope in recovery without being able to hit ground zero. Which make me feel even more unworthy - am I just not important enough??