Will the Unfaithful Spouse Always Feel This Way about the Affair Partner?

Samuel shares insight about how to break free of an affair partner and find freedom mentally and emotionally.

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Why should the betrayed want

Why should the betrayed want to stay with the spouse when they are grieving their a.p.? Too me, it is wounding, it feels like he is stabbing me a dozen times to look at him and to see him grieving her, and yet I want to throat punch him at the same time. He isn't "in love with me anymore and only wants to stay with me because of the kids, reputation, respect, money etc. and yet I don't want to share his heart. I want to feel special and cherished and I am not special or cherished in any sense of the word. Would a temporary separation be helpful? I just feel like I can't heal with him here, all I want to do is go into a small dark place where there isn't anything sensory an curl up and cry. I don't think I can take the 2 years that it takes for the limerence for his a.p. to fade. How do I not ask comparison questions about the a.p. when he feel in love with her and out of love with me? If he said that she was skinnier at least that would give me something concrete to work on, it would give me something to do.

tough questions...

hi shelby.... tough questions indeed, but normal.  fact is, it's not going to take two years for the limerance to fade. it will probably take a few months, and if you're able to get the right help, it won't take much longer than that depending on the severity of the affair and situation.  it's not a hard stop at a 'few months' but it's not going to be years, unless he continues talking to her refusing to stop.  it's normal to grieve your affair partner, and anyone that has an affair will have to grieve the loss of them if it was emotional and there was a bond created.  you'd want to stay with them as it's part of the process, if you're in it for the long haul.  he will need to process it with someone else, who is same sex and objective that can help be a place of safety and accountability.  getting the right help and committing to the process will help you with comparison questions, and concerns and all very normal but diffucult issues to walk through.  i would look at our ems weekend, ems online or harboring hope courses here on the site that can help you. 

I basically required an in

I basically required an in house separation until the grieving was over. I couldn't even stomach looking at him. I didn't eat meals with him, anything. I went into my room from the minute I got home from work until the minute I left work the next day. My kids visited in my room.

And at that time if I had the emotional strength to walk away, I would have.

I would also add that asking

I would also add that asking the betrayed spouse to help the unfaithful process feelings about the affair partner or be an accountability partner is exceptionally cruel to the betrayed. No betrayed should be put in that position; they have been put through enough.

And while we betrayed intuitively know that the unfaithful may need to grieve the AP, they should make every attempt to NOT do it around the betrayed. It's a supremely cruel thing to do.

thanks for adding those comments...

all good points my friend.  appreciate you sharing that. 

thanks for these videos.

thanks for these videos. They are a huge help! I still don't understand why the unfaithful isn't honest with the betrayed before even starting the affair. Why not ask for an open marriage, separation or even divorce. There are many options for someone who doesn't want to be monogamous. I don't understand the lying, sneaking, hiding? It doesn't make any sense.

My guess is they want to have

My guess is they want to have their cake and eat it too. Open marriage doesn't work -- they don't want to share, they want to BE shared. Divorce doesn't work -- they would have to give up something. Truth telling doesn't work -- if the betrayed is given an opportunity for informed consent, they aren't likely to consent.

The unfaithful, I think, build a world in their head where they are the only people in the whole world who count. Every one else in the world is just an object contributing to or getting in the way of their happiness. They will lie, cheat, steal, and betray to get what matters to them at as little a cost to them as possible.

That's how I see it anyway. They may not stay in that place if they pursue recovery, but that seems to be where they are at when they are doing it. Just my thoughts . . .