What It's Costing the Unfaithful to Not Discuss the Infidelity

Samuel shares his own experience in adjusting to life after disclosure and embracing new patterns in life.

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How do you heal when you did

How do you heal when you did not get the truth or full disclosure? B/c your UH chose to withhold the information and walk away.

it requires a different approach, but it is possible

this happens more than people think to be honest.  i would find a therapist who is an expert, and start to work through grief and mourning, to forgiveness to new life.  it takes that kind of work.  also, it will take working through and on surrender so some 12 step work may be beneficial for you as well.  i'm sorry you're facing that reality. 

 

thank you Samuel. You have

thank you Samuel. You have been so kind and helpful. Your videos and AR have been a lifeline. healing alone is beyond words difficult. I have glimmers of new life - every day I wake up and I try - try for god's glory. again, thankyou.

Talking

I’m doing my best not to kill the messenger, the unfaithful, if and when he talks. Nothing is disclosed without me, the betrayed,having to pry anything out. Evading and changing the subject is his expertise. Or, he wants to move locations to get more comfortable. On the way to the more comfortable spot, he is stopping for wine and chocolate. Avoidable at all costs is his way of dealing with questions or even talking about the sexual and emotional activities. How do you get them to understand that the betrayed need to make some sort of sense with the years of betrayal. I didn’t know he was unhappy. I find it hard for him to even answer questions about others sex life. It’s just supposed to happen now. A look of time went into planning for sex with his APs, why is it the unfaithful can’t see,it’s more important for me now?

Spell check made this difficult to Understand

I find it difficult for my UH to even answer questions about our sex life. It’s just supposed to happen now. It seems to me that a lot of time went into planning sex with the Aps, why is it so difficult to understand that the betrayed deserve the same consideration?

he doesn't make that connection...

the reality is, he's probabaly dealing with shame or frustration.  shame due to what he did and his embarrassment of it and now feeling condemned and uncomfortable talking about it.  frustration as MAYBE he has some things he's frustrated about or even angry about but doesn't want to talk about them or won't talk about them out of fear etc.  typically it could be one or two of those things.  most likely you'll need an objective, third party mediator that will help you have discussions that are safe and blame free and can help you both find a resolution.  he may not think you want to talk about that stuff as well and may think it's better to just not talk about it all. 

Long distance

My husband took a job 10 hours away. Our plan was to wait 6 months (his apartment lease) and make sure he liked the job and location before joining him. Less than three weeks I joy the job he met another woman during a training week and they started an affair. I don’t feel like he is telling me everything and he gets mad anytime I bring it up. He continued to talk to her two weeks after me finding out. I found out by looking at his browser history when he became distant. He has since changed all passwords and refuses to share them with me. He wants me to relocate now but I am afraid to with out him being completely willing to stop hiding everything. We ha e seen a counselor once together and I am seeing one on my own. Our marriage counselor recommended a book and other things for us to do. He is not doing any of them unless I harp on him. Is there anyway to express to him that with the distance I don’t feel secure without having access to email, text, Facebook. And I think he’s still not telling me everything. When I ask questions about what they would talk about he says work and this and that. Their communication started on Facebook.

Not married but still hurts

I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 15 years and we had a decent relationship wouldn’t say the best but I’m realistic about fantasy relationships . Nevertheless I’ve been loyal to him. Our breakup happened four years ago and he moved out it was due to talks of him having an affair and talks of me having an emotional friendship with someone . Difference is I did not sleep with anyone new . He moved out and wanted to stay connect as so did I . He swore to me he wasn’t seeing anyone and I dated him again and things were great . We needed this time to find ourselves as we drifted and sex was new again and it was on the road to recovery for me at least . In November I found out he still was seeing the woman for 4 years and seeing me . All lies . She confronted me when he tried breaking it off and told me everything , I was crushed . However timing was he moved back in with me and then I found out . He cried and wanted to stay with me and make things work with us . He is living with me and claims it’s over with her . My trust and safe place is destroyed . We haven’t has sex in 7 mos and we are not married . No kids together . He wants me to forgive and forget and not talk about it . I can’t heal if I don’t so I look to find comfort in people who have gone through this and I’m hurt