Your Betrayed Spouse is Always Processing

Samuel, Alumnus
Submitted by Samuel 10 years 9 months

Today Samuel discusses how the betrayed spouse may not be reacting, but they are always processing the actions of the unfaithful spouse.

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I would highly recommend giving this a try.
 
-D, Texas
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Comments

Submitted by SLM on 10 years 9 months

This is another great insight. I am the betrayed and many times I want to respond but just don't. I really did not understand why I would feel all these positive emotions but not let them show. However since I guess he did not get the reaction he wanted my husband just shuts down and stops trying. I sometimes feel like because I did not toss him out he does not have to work as hard to woo me back. Physically yet I am still here. Emotional most of the time I am a million miles away.

Submitted by Samuel on 10 years 9 months
SLM, makes total sense. i'm so sorry for that as it's no way to live. what help is he getting? will he watch this blog, maybe that will help? it's a destructive pattern for sure. he will feel rejected (wrongly but that's where help comes in) and you will feel frustrated for sure. maybe you can get him to watch? or, maybe if he's getting help they will help him get the point? i'm concerned for you for sure as it's so tough to live in that place, but there is a way to help him make the connection to not only wooing you back, but earning trust back over time as he's a safe place. i hope this makes sense, but i had to reply as your comment is spot on yet it's a difficult place to be for sure.

Submitted by robyn0325 on 10 years 9 months

Upon revelation of my husband's affair, I saw it as a spiritual battle that I was zealous to fight. He was so deceived, and even though my heart was devastated I didn't want to just give up on our marraige, our family, our ministry & testimony to others! My family and friends were very concerned about my sanity and my heart as I basically relentlessly pursued and wooed my husband back to me. About 6 mos. in to recovery his fog finally lifted and he realized what I had seen all along. Truth trickled out and my reality was worse than I had initially thought. What has been discouraging to me is that now that he is fully on board to save and rebuild our marriage... I have lost a lot of the fight and passion I had at first. My processing was a bit delayed and here 14 mos. in to recovery... "in many ways" I feel worse!!! I so appreciate your blog - and I am determined to stay the course... believing that eventually HEALING will come to both of us.

Submitted by Samuel on 10 years 9 months
wow Robyn, that's tough indeed. i'm sorry it's so hard. 16 months out....it's no wonder you'd feel that way. however, it's a concern. what have you done for you? perhaps, you may be feeling some resentment towards yourself for 'wooing him' and not allowing space for him to pursue you? many betrayed spouses feel that way eventually. it's the vicarious shame you feel as a betrayed spouse due to your husbands choices. i'm not assuming or for sure thinking that's it, but many (more than you'd imagine) feel that way and express that frustration with themselves as they hate that they didn't pull back and allow them (the unfaithful) to pursue themselves. what help have you both received? i would consider taking harboring hope if you haven't already. also, for him, i'd get him into the hope for healing course for sure as it will help his healing be long term and rooted in expert care and not emotion. he also is going to need to know how to help you and how to care for you and hope for healing will help tremendously. healing can and will come, but i'd get very strategic and very specific. this article will help paint the picture of why you need infidelity specific help and why traditional counseling usually doesn't help too much at all: https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/2010-05-infidelity-counseling if i can do anything at all, please let me know.

Submitted by Caramasta on 5 years 6 months

This was just what I needed. I'm the unfaithful spouse. I've had 2 2 week long online affairs, for which my husband forgave me and then 4 months later, he caught me in the beginning of another - this is now 3 weeks after the latest discovery. We've been married 20 years and I'm doing all I can to show him that I'm committed, honest, transparent and sincere. I've taken full responsibility and have deleted all social media. Currently he is ambivalent, which is a terrible state to be in. I've written him a HURT letter yesterday and update him throughout the day of what I'm busy with, although he says he doesn't care - I do it anyway. Every morning when he gets to work, I sent him a text, saying that I love him very much. He doesn't react and I understand that, but I was sitting outside now, feeling a bit hopeless because of his lack of response to my efforts, when I came across this video and it gave me renewed strength to go on and show him I love him, without wanting anything back. This site saved me and will propably help save my marriage. Thanks so much.

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