One year ago my husband disclosed his sex addiction to me and our lives changed. In the beginning, I would have told you our lives changed in a bad way but now I see it differently. In reality, my husband coming clean about his own addiction has catapulted me into the healing I so desperately had been hoping and praying for.
We have only been married for 8 years but a lot has happened in that period of time. I slowly shut down, knowing there was “something” else going on but not knowing what that “something” was. The more I shut down, the less I was able to...
When my husband’s affairs were discovered just over two years ago I had all the predictable emotions; anger, confusion, agony, and so much more. Eleven days later when we decided to work on our marriage I still had those emotions but now I had fear:
On the one hand, I felt as if it was necessary for me to try and save our marriage for many reasons:
Two years since d-day. I can’t believe it! When my husband’s affairs were discovered I didn’t think I would survive that first day. The minutes were agonizing. Time slowed to a crawl. I was reduced to pure, raw emotion. There was no existence without pain. I wished I would die. I knew I would die. My heart was shattered and it would kill me.
Over the next few days I was in a fog. I took one day off work but that was all I could afford. When I wasn’t crying I would sit and stare. I worked by rote. Zombie. Barely functioning. My emotions were all over the place. I was furious, full of hatred,...
I did it. Over the past few weeks I have taken the time to go into my prayer closet and grieve. I haven’t done it every day but I have done it at least 8 times over the course of two weeks and each time I leave feeling like a burden has been lifted. I have learned over time that it is true when people say grief is a process. It looks different for everybody. I am also beginning to realize that I have not fully grieved the loss of my mother and other emotional hurts from my past.
However, God has been with me during this entire process. One day on the way to see my...
Toward the end of EMS Weekend, we had one group session when they separated us into groups of only women and only men. Leslie was leading our women’s only group and she gave a lot of good advice that I took to heart. One of the things I distinctly remember her saying was,
"Life is going to get in the way. If you need to cancel lunch dates last minute because you are having a bad day, do it.”
I remember thinking, “I won’t have a problem doing this. I don’t have any weekly activities scheduled right now so I...
I had a rough childhood. I grew up in a broken family and we were always very poor. My mother was married multiple times and had children with all of them. The guys were never good role models. I spent many years living with relatives when my mother could no longer take care of us. There was a time we actually lived in a house with no running water and an outhouse. I remember a day when the only thing we had to eat in the house was a half a jar of peanut butter. Not the best of times for a child.
When I was about 9 I came down with acute appendicitis. I was rushed to the...
Life is funny. I’m not talking about laughing till you cry funny, although there are plenty of times I’ve laughed till my cheeks ached and my belly hurt. I’m talking about ironic, where the heck did that come from, turn your life upside down kind of funny. I’m talking about crazy, way out in left field, life changing kind of funny.
Long before I married my husband, if the subject ever came up I would boldly and firmly declare to whoever was listening that I would never take back a man who...
Every program I have been through requires making goals to achieve desired results. When I was going through recovery from an eating disorder, we had to write out a vision statement. The purpose of this statement was to keep me inspired and on track. It’s also written in present tense as if I am already there. In the statement I include all of the feelings that I want to experience such as love, joy, peace, accomplishment, rest, and connection.
This is my vision statement concerning my recovery as a betrayed spouse:
“I wake up in the morning, excited to start a new day....
Is there such a thing as collective guilt and shame? Some would have you believe that there is. For instance, if children are in poverty all of society is to blame. The media would have you accept as true that if one cop is a rotten apple the entire police force is tainted. My daughter has teachers that punish the entire class for one student’s behavior. Everyone shares in their guilt. Rick refers to this as Group Shame or Social Shame where we are dishonored and ascribed the shame from someone else's actions. He discusses this in detail in Social Shame: Have You Been Dishonored? and Social Shame...
This particular blog is especially hard for me to write as it is something I am still working through and it feels very raw to me. However, after reading many of the comments in the Community Forums on the Affair Recovery website I recognize the importance of speaking out. My main goal of this particular piece is for those of you also struggling with this issue to know you are not alone and there is hope.
In my last blog ("Acceptance") I mentioned being treated for PTSD, something I didn’t even know I had until recently. All I knew was that part of me was shut off. I was still me but a lesser version...
My husband was able to carry out both of his affairs without getting caught for a variety of reasons. First, he’s an accomplished liar. Second, even he says that I was too trusting. And I was. I just refused to believe that he would ever betray me. Third, we were sleeping in separate beds due to his snoring. That reason, in particular, made it very easy for my husband to sneak out at night to meet his AP. I can honestly say that I never once caught him either sneaking out or sneaking back in.
One of the biggest reasons he was able to cheat was the nature of his job. He doesn’t sit behind a desk...
The ability for me to develop acceptance and compassion for my husband has been huge in my own recovery. I believe compassion and acceptance go hand in hand. According to the Oxford dictionary, the definition of compassion is "sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others". The definition of acceptance is "the action of consenting to receive or undertake something offered".
What drives a person to do something like this? They must be sick in the head, right!?! I believe that every human being has the ability to become a murderer, a thief, an adulterer, a slanderer, a...
We all deal with trauma differently. Some people haven’t had to deal with major heartache until finding out about their spouse's infidelity. Unfortunately, I had a traumatic experience early on in my life that shaped how I deal with trauma. I can always find somebody who has had a harder life than I have, but to dismiss the traumatic experiences I have had over my lifetime is not helpful to me or my family.
When my husband first disclosed his extramarital activities, I dealt with it in the way I always had, I stuffed it in. I mentioned in an earlier blog that...
Dr. Phil has wisely said that children should not be burdened with adult problems. My husband and I have always tried to keep our children out of our marital troubles, as for us, we felt it was paramount. As they were growing up we kept our disagreements about child rearing behind closed doors. We always put on a united front when the children were present and then hashed it out in private. We worked hard to ensure that our children were allowed to...
One reason why people cheat is what I like to call “conscience searing”. Here is an example:
Bob and Cindy
Bob and Cindy had great childhoods. They grew up in loving families with strong religious and moral backgrounds. Neither of them got into any serious trouble and both excelled at school. They met each other in college. They grew closer through the college years and before they knew it Bob had popped the question to Cindy. A joyful wedding and a wonderful honeymoon followed. They were madly in love and nothing would ever come between them. Things were good in...
I wrote this poem about a year ago when my husband and I were going through the EMS Online course, something which I highly recommend. I can honestly say this course was a marriage saver for us. I wrote it when we were barely six months past D-day. My husband was desperate for forgiveness and affirmation; I was desperate for hope and healing. My desire is that it will bring you some of both. Remember, you are stronger than you think, braver than you believe, and worth more than you feel. Never give up.
Bold = Words of the Unfaithful
Italic = Words of the betrayed
For months after D-day I agonized over the question “Why her?” Okay, to be honest, I’ve agonized over this question almost every day since my world was turned on its axis over twenty months ago. Why this woman? What was there about her that my husband found so alluring?
To be frank, my husband found her on Craig’s List. There was no picture so he didn’t have a clue what she looked like. They messaged through Craig’s List, then exchanged phone numbers and started sexting. It’s not as if they shared their...
From the beginning of recovery, my husband and I made the decision to have no more secrets between us. It wasn’t just my husband who needed to disclose things either. I had my own “inner struggle” I needed to share with him. For several years, we felt disconnected from each other and as I became more involved in church, I also felt more appreciated by other men. There was one in particular who made me feel extra “special.” At the time, it was obvious he and his wife were having their own struggles and I noticed her pulling away from our friendship. Luckily, nothing happened. ...
Soon after D-day I started keeping a journal. I needed a way to express myself without feeling I had to watch my words. I could vent about my husband without worrying about being cruel. Browsing through the entries I’m struck by the anguish I read in my words, words filled with raw emotion, gut wrenching pain, and the agonized ramblings of a broken heart. I use gutter language and expletives that would shock those who know me. I’m reminded how D-day turned me into someone I barely recognize. I never knew I was capable of such vile words. I’m shocked at how quickly I went from a controlled, confident and capable woman to one out of...
Recently, I started a Bible study that is geared toward helping women who struggle with food, weight, body image issues, etc. We are beginning our twelve weeks together with a 40 Day Surrender. Much like Lent, we are being encouraged to find a habit or something we know is keeping us from going to God and being the best we can be.
I immediately knew what I was going to give up, and that would be television. However, it isn’t just me giving up television but the entire family, including my husband and kids. At first my husband wasn’t happy about it because I didn’t ask him first, I just made an executive decision....
5..4..3..2..1…. Fire
At 12:15 am Friday June 18, 2010 Ronnie Lee Gardner was executed by firing squad at the Utah State Prison in Draper, Utah for the murder of an attorney 25 years before.
Although it’s always a tragedy when capital punishment is required very few people disagree with the ultimate consequences of Mr. Gardner’s actions.
In reading the news reports years ago, I was led to think about the times in my life when I faced serious consequences for my poor decisions. Most of them were caused by my failure to keep my priorities in correct order. The consequences I...
Every time I walk into my counselor’s office he asks me, “What is God telling you?” Last week I knew God was telling me that I needed to prioritize my own healing and the healing of my marriage. This week, I feel God telling me, “Be brave. You deserve to enjoy every aspect of the life I have given you. You have to fight for it. There are forces unseen working against you.”
Currently, I am reading "A True Name” by Leslie Kim Wiese. In our last session, my counselor asked me, “What is your new name in light of all the trauma you’ve endured?” I prayed about it and the...
Last year, instead of making a New Year’s resolution, I asked God what he wanted to accomplish in me over the year. I clearly felt like he was telling me my “theme” for the year would be “Let It Go.” I spent most of the first half of the year learning about limiting beliefs I had that were sabotaging my efforts toward being healthy both mentally and physically. I also learned that I spent most of my days trying to escape from my life. Instead of living in the moment, I lived hoping for a better future. Instead of taking care of myself, I focused on all of the things I wanted to change about myself and my life.
The year...
Even before disclosure, I was really good at catastrophic thinking. I would hear a story and go to unimaginable places such as the tragedy at Sandy Hook Elementary. I cried for weeks because I imagined what it would be like if my own children were murdered mercilessly at school. It was almost too much to bear.
After disclosure, I often would think about the worst case scenarios such as, “What if my husband would have gotten caught? What if he was the next big news story?” I imagined how it would ruin our kids’ lives at school and how I would probably have to move to another state just to start over with a clean slate. Would I stay with him? Would I leave? Then, I would come back to reality and remember that God has only given me the strength to deal with the present. Futuristic...
A few days ago, I received a phone call from our son’s school telling me he was having an allergic reaction. Our five year old son has a life-threatening peanut allergy so, as you can imagine, I was highly concerned. When my husband and I got to the school, my son’s eyes and nose were swollen and his breathing was labored so we administered the Epipen and waited for the EMT to arrive.
I had to pick up our daughter from preschool, so I jumped in my car and as I drove I prayed fervently for healing for my son. Once I got to the school, I opened up my phone and texted about 10 of my closest friends and asked them to pray for my son and the situation. By the time I got back to his school, his vital signs were normal and my son was amazingly calm....
Five months ago, my husband sat me down and told me about a sexual addiction he has had for over 20 years. Before you close this blog saying “Oh, he didn’t have an affair, what does she know?” Let me just tell you, not all sexual addictions happen behind closed doors in front of a computer screen.
My husband and I have been married for 7 years and since the first year I had a feeling that there was “someone” or “something” that he had on the side. I could sense that he was not “all in.” However, when I would ask him “Do you have a problem with porn” or “I feel like you are going out of town just to be with somebody else” he could “truthfully” tell me that it was neither of those things because it wasn’t…it was something that wasn’t even on my...
Affair Recovery is now taking community to the next level with adding Private Messaging “PM” functionality. Everything you need to know about private messaging at Affair Recovery is laid out for you below.
1. Click on Private messages in the menu on the left-hand side of the screen from your dashboard.
2. Next click the yellow “write new message” button.
...
Marriage is not easy. When you add infidelity to the mix it’s even harder. Then you try to add effective communication and it can feel like a disaster waiting to happen. If you're like me, the art of communication can feel more like a wrecking ball than an art. This wrecking ball is on a mission to destroy everything in sight: relationships, personal growth, or even a joy-filled life. Early after D-day, there were a ton of unanswered questions and thoughts that would plague my inner world. Time and time again when I would approach my husband to seek information, it was more of a destructive hit to our recovery than a helpful conversation. The wrecking ball would come crashing in through screaming, crying, or straight anger. Clearly NOT helpful. I started...
As I watch my daughter swimming in the lake, I see her head tilted back and face just barely above water. She is fully safe, and a strong swimmer but struggles with swimming in the lake with all the wind and waves working against her. I am quickly reminded of the time I felt I was barely surviving. Infidelity was an unexpected wave that tried to drown me. My head was barely above water.
There is definitely a survival mode that happens after D-Day. Managing emotions, protecting kids, counseling; really just attempting to fulfill any of my many responsibilities. It was exhausting, emotional and seemed to last a lifetime. In reality, a few months into trying to stay afloat, I was tired of just trying to survive.
I didn’t want to just survive marital betrayal. I didn’t want...
“But we’re different”
It’s touchy. You feel like no one is feeling what you’re feeling and like you’re out on this island all by yourself. You feel like your spouse is on a completely different island.
You feel like no one gets it.
You feel like no one understands. You wonder is there really any hope for your specific situation with all the carnage that has happened.
I felt that way. Samantha felt that way. The idiosyncrasies to our fiasco wasn’t so simple, normal or able to fit into some simple three step triage plan that you could read about on a generic marriage website.
We were right. We were a mess and our situation was highly complex.
But, I have to tell you, every situation is highly complex and messy. I don’t know...
