Survivors' Blog

How does infidelity impact those who get divorced (i.e. divorce recovery) and what are their unique challenges? This week I'd like to focus on the specific barriers the betrayed spouse faces and the baggage they may actually carry into future relationships. Moving on after divorce, especially when infidelity is involved, is just not easy nor without new hurt. After 26 years of marriage and three beautiful children, Martha discovered her husband was cheating on her with girls closer to her children's ages than her own. Her first response was to kick him out. There was little or no remorse on his part. He felt she should just get over it. Eventually she invited him back, prematurely she now admits, for the sake of the kids. She wasn't even sure what she needed to forgive given his lack of disclosure. Change was not something that interested him, in fact the only change he felt necessary was on her part; she needed to get over it, lighten up and be more fun. Eventually her husband's unwillingness to commit to a monogamous relationship led to divorce. "How do you move forward when the best of who you were has been shredded and rejected?" she asked. That harsh reality is now 11 years past, but healing didn't begin until recently. Charged with charting a course for her family, she ignored her own need for restoration. In her mind, financial survival and raising children were the top priorities. As she put it. . . "I didn't even feel I had the right to have needs. It was all so scary. I didn't just lose my husband, I lost my whole life. I lost the majority of things that made me who I am: my home, many of our friends, my identity as his wife, my confidence, my security and my future." Life after divorce and betrayal creates unique challenges for the injured spouse. While divorce may be the best next step for some, those who divorce have a difficult journey ahead of them. They will have to overcome issues with . . . 1. Mistrust: Infidelity shatters the reality of the injured spouse so thoroughly that they often have trouble trusting their realty, their judgment, others and even themselves. Moving on after divorce, how can you know you aren't making the same mistake again? How do you release your heart to the care of another? Even finding Mr. or Mrs. Wonderful doesn't necessarily solve the dilemma. It takes a great deal of individual work before enough healing occurs for self-confidence to return and hope for the future is recovered. Until that healing comes, releasing one's soul to the care of another is a challenge at best. 2. Triggers: Betrayal is frequently a traumatic experience for the injured spouse. Divorce in no way remedies the problems of emotional flooding. Reminders of what happened can create strong emotional reactions for years to come. While an unfaithful spouse may understand the root cause of that reaction, others who weren't involved at the point of crisis may find their reactivity confusing. Failure to take the time to process the trauma of the betrayal on top of divorce recovery can leave them susceptible to emotional flooding for years to come. 3. Jealousy: Life after divorce and betrayal can leave the injured spouse with an unfounded fear regarding the faithfulness of future partners. It's understandable, but the need for safety can be higher for these individuals. Choosing not to mistrust is frequently a daily struggle and key to divorce recovery. It's no wonder that hypervigilance becomes a natural part of their being. The old saying "Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me" rings truer than ever before. The last thing they want is to be hurt again and in their mind "better safe than sorry" can become a limiting factor for future relationships. 4. Risk aversion: For those who divorce, infidelity often creates a problem with intimacy avoidance. One approach to avoid future pain is to always hold a part of self back in future relationships. Being "all in" can present a serious challenge if you choose to avoid the risk of future pain. While there's a part of us that longs to be connected to a special person, taking that risk may seem next to impossible if betrayed in a previous relationship. You may find, while moving on after divorce and into future relationships, that you feel as if you have hit a wall when the relationship progresses to a deeper level of intimacy. 5. Negative lens: Betrayal may create an aversion for anyone of the opposite sex. To create safety, a person may choose to believe that all men cheat, or that all women lie, etc. Divorce does nothing to correct the stereo-typing of an entire people group. As a matter of fact, life after divorce potentially creates more bitterness and mistrust of the opposite sex. The inability to find a place of forgiveness and reconciliation can create a jaded perspective of life, which prevents them from ever reconnecting again. Eleven years later, Martha is still single. Until last year she longed for a new relationship, but still struggled with issues of trust. She went through "Divorce Recovery" and even led divorce recovery classes, but was still limited in her ability to move forward. Last year she entered Harboring Hope. "I never thought anything could go deep enough for my healing. The other women in my group refused to let me avoid looking at my pain. I finally recognized that I had legitimate needs that had to be addressed and Harboring Hope systematically led me through the necessary steps for healing." On the importance of community for specifically healing infidelity, she adds, "The girls in my group are still serving as a healthy support for one another months later." At Affair Recovery we know the wounds of betrayal can be healed. Regardless of whether your spouse has left you or not- don't lose hope. You have legitimate wounds as a result of the betrayal and you owe it to yourself to do the necessary work to heal. If you’re open to the possibility of marital restoration, our August EMS Weekend still has limited openings available. Our weekends provide safety for both spouses to address their own hurt, while also caring for the wounds of the marriage.

When disclosure happens, the life you thought you had seemingly crumbles in your hands. It's like the floor caves underneath you and you're in a free fall. The chaos, the fear and the dread, it can seem as though you're stuck in a vortex of chaos and agony looking for any sort of relief. You feel like you can't tell anyone, and those that you do tell, can't remain objective. "If it were me, I'd divorce him." they say . . . "I'd be done with her if my wife did that to me" they chant . . . The fact is, everyone says what they would do if infidelity transpired, until it actually happens to them. What do you do when it happens to you? Where do you turn when infidelity and uncertainty knock on your door? This week, I'd like to share with you three helpful videos specifically for the betrayed spouse. If you're in pain due to infidelity or addiction whether you're male or female, you are likely feeling alone and thrown to the wolves to fend for yourself. But, you don't have to be. There is hope and there is an online course to help you heal and quite possibly, help your relationship heal. I hope you'll take a few minutes to watch these videos, taking into account that at AffairRecovery.com, we value being a safe place for both the unfaithful and betrayed, to heal and find new life for your own recovery and even your relationship. Affair Recovery offers a weekly Expert Q&A with many of our subscriptions, courses, and retreats. Find out more in our Programs and Courses section. Our Harboring Hope course includes an additional monthly Expert Q&A with the authors of the course. This resource is private and only accessible to those participating in Harboring Hope which makes it a safe place to ask your important questions. Our YouTube Channel is a great place to stay up to date with our free videos. If you haven't subscribed yet, we encourage you to. I'd like to introduce you to our program specifically for betrayed spouses called Harboring Hope. It's a 13 week, online course, specifically designed for those who are on the receiving end of infidelity and betrayal. You'll find expert care, objectivity, small groups assigned by gender, and all of it in a safe place for you to heal. We can't control what our spouses do, but we can control what our own response to infidelity or addiction is.

When Hope Crumbles: A 2 Part Series by Cindy Beall: Surviving Infidelity: When Hope Crumbles - Part 1 Surviving Infidelity: When Hope Crumbles - Part 2 This week, we’d like to share part two of our guest post series from our friend and fellow pioneer in caring for couples in crisis, Cindy Beall1. As you’ll remember, Cindy is a friend, writer, speaker and mentor of women who are on their own journey of healing from the effects of infidelity. Her first book Healing Your Marriage When Trust Is Broken, was released in 2011 and has been a wonderful source of encouragement and hope to many. We are privileged to have Cindy as the keynote speaker for our first annual Hope Rising One-Day Conference for betrayed spouse's coming up in October. When Hope Crumbles - Part 2 One would think that making the decision to honor my marriage vows when I could have walked away would have made things instantly better. Yes, a peace fell upon me as soon as I decided to trust God for clarity, but the pain and heartache took its own sweet time to diminish. On the days when I could barely lift my head from the pillow, God gave me strength for the journey. Finding truths to stand on is vital for our faith life - and never more so than when we have been let down by others, ourselves, and a lack of truth in our lives. You truly do feel lost at sea once lies wash over you and threaten to carry away the life you once had. Wisdom from godly people will help you stay afloat, but it will be God’s truth that carries you to solid ground, where you have a better perspective (not to mention a safer one).1 When the images would come flooding into my mind, I was able to turn to prayer or scripture for peace. When the pain bombarded me and suffocated me like a blanket in 100° weather, I knew where to turn for comfort. Had I never needed comfort, I would not have known the Comforter. Now I can’t promise all the storms will be removed from your life. I also can’t promise that you’ll have a comfortable, pain-free existence on this earth, even if you choose to do what seems like the selfless, admirable thing. I can’t even promise that you’ll get everything you want by pursuing restoration. What I can promise is that when you are weak, He’ll be strong. When you think you can’t take another step, He’ll carry you. When you are in despair, you can still find hope. We find these truths from a passage in the book of Isaiah: "Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:30-31 There are many things I don’t know... I don’t understand algebra or physics. I don’t get how a heavy airplane can stay up in the sky and not fall to the ground. I wish I knew why innocent people have to suffer, why children have to die. If I did, I’d bottle up the formula to fix their problems and give it away. I don’t know lots of things. Here’s what I do know. According to the Bible, I serve a big God. He created the Universe in less than a week. He formed mountains and scooped out valleys with His hands. He is everywhere, all the time. He can change a heart with the snap of his fingers. He can bring sight to a blind man with some dirt and saliva. He can part a sea and allow his people to cross on dry land. He can make walls fall down with the blast of a trumpet. He can keep a man from being eaten by lions. He can bring forth a child through a virgin. He can turn a Pharisee into a martyr for Christ. He can transform a fisherman into a minister of the gospel. He brings peace that no one can explain. He is truly a remarkable God. My marriage is living proof. Even if you think your situation is beyond repair, please believe this truth: God is the God of the impossible. He is faithful and loving and kind and tender and good and miraculous and amazing. He is true to His word and will do what He says He is going to do. Nothing is too difficult for Him. Join us for Hope Rising One-Day Conference on October 6th and see Cindy live! I hope this two-part series from Cindy Beall has provided a ray of hope in the midst of what may feel insurmountable. It may seem hard to believe, but there are countless stories of restoration and incredible transformations. Infidelity is a pain like no other, and no one is saying it will be easy. In those caverns of despair, look to those who have uncovered an entirely new marriage from the ashes. There is no such thing as being too far gone. Where ever you are in your story, there is hope. Transformation is typically packaged much differently than we would like. It takes incredible courage to pursue what options may exist for you both after the discovery of infidelity or addiction. If you’re looking for real stories of healing and restoration, you can read or watch testimony after testimony of people who actually participated in our Programs and Courses. If you’re looking for a hope that dares to try and the tools that teach you how to work out your recovery, I’d like to invite you to consider our EMS Weekend. If you’re still stuck in the "What now?" phase of recovery, I hope you’ll give our free First Steps Bootcamp a try. We hope it will help you decide what your next step could look like. 1Beall, Cindy. Healing Your Marriage When Trust Is Broken: Finding Forgiveness and Restoration. Eugene, Oregon: Harvest House, 2011. eBook.

My husband and I have maneuvered the quagmire of recovery for well over three years now.  We’ve had some deep lows and amazing highs but overall a slow and steady healing and maturing of our marriage and relationship. During this time I’ve often wondered how two people could have been in the same stale, boring marriage yet made such wildly different decisions. I know others have pondered the same question. There are times when the “why” of a partner’s affair can about drive the betrayed bonkers.             When I stumbled upon the Affair Recovery website in my desperate search for answers I was stunned to discover a site founded and filled by people of faith yet all suffering the same raw pain I was feeling. For me, a faith-based approach was necessary.  In my ignorance though,  I figured people of faith would be more immune to the temptation of adultery. After all, it’s one of the Ten Commandments, “Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery.” Marriage is taught to be a union that is to last “till death do us part” and adultery is listed in the Bible as the only reason why two believers can divorce.  Obviously betrayal doesn’t discriminate, nor is faith or willpower a magical shield of protection against infidelity. People of faith have a strong ally but unfortunately for millions of people it’s impossible to pray or will one’s self to fidelity.             Faith and willpower have important roles to play in maintaining faithfulness but there must be more to an authentic, honest and happy marriage. If that’s all it took then the Affair Recovery team would have been out of business before even getting started.             Over the last couple of months this weighs heavily on me because for some reason the further past D-day we get the more I fear my husband will betray again. It’s not a constant, paralyzing fear but rather a niggling, irritating thought on the fringes of my mind that makes me wonder, will he or won’t he? But I refuse to allow this thought to put a damper on my marriage recovery. Yes, even now, as I count down to the fourth year after D-day, I still consider my marriage in recovery mode. Perhaps I always will and that’s not such a bad thing.             No marriage is affair proof but hard work can help. After infidelity in addition to faith and willpower many people add general marital counseling, read books on marriage, use accountability partners, and of course take advantage of the classes, articles, forums and other tools available on the Affair Recovery website and others like it. Having trouble with communication skills? Do an internet search and find help. Practically anything you want to learn or solve you can find on the internet. There are so many things couples can do in order to rebuild their relationships and my husband and I did a variety of them.             Today I regularly remind myself that my marriage is much stronger than it was four years ago. We’ve made structural changes and gave our marriage the support it was lacking. One extremely important change we made was we did not go back to the same old habits and routine. We hold hands, go out to breakfast together every Saturday, try and eat lunch together during the week, cuddle on the couch, and stay connected. A few months after D-day we moved to a new home and town and both started new jobs. We’ve recently decided that 30 miles wasn’t far enough since there are still too many memories in this area. No job, no house, no financial reason, no attachment is worth the marital stress. We’re going to move again and this time it will be to another state hundreds of miles from where all the triggers are. No more driving past the old town, watching the same local news, shopping in the same stores. We will have a true fresh start. Another structural change we’ve made is in how my husband reacts to my fears. Instead of becoming angry or defensive, as he would have in the past, he listens to me. Recently, when I worried about a new female co-worker and asked him to keep it professional he didn’t get upset but agreed with me. He seems to understand the need for proper boundaries.             Most importantly we’re acutely aware that in the past we allowed ourselves to become disconnected from each other. We didn’t nurture our marriage and treat it with care. We took each other for granted and didn’t cherish the specialness and uniqueness of our love. We neglected to communicate our wants or share our needs with each other. We didn’t treat each other as the most important person in the world.             Never again. Never again will our marriage be allowed to be stale, boring and unloving. I’d rather live alone. But luckily I don’t have to because my husband and I are continuing this journey together, one day at a time, using all the tools at our disposal. It takes more than faith and willpower to rebuild a marriage. Thank goodness for sites like Affair Recovery that gives us some of those additional tools. Stay strong. Stay connected. Remember, there’s hope.

This week, my team and I are incredibly honored to share part one of a two part guest post series from our friend and fellow pioneer in caring for couples in crisis, Cindy Beall1. Cindy is a fantastic writer, speaker and mentor of women who are on their own journey of healing from the effects of infidelity. Her first book Healing Your Marriage When Trust Is Broken, was released in 2011 and has been a wonderful source of encouragement and hope to many. We are priviledged to have Cindy as the keynote speaker for our first annual Hope Rising One-Day Conference for betrayed spouse's coming up in October. Hope: An expectation of obtainment. To expect with confidence. I hope that I get that promotion. I hope that I find an amazing person to marry. I hope that my children don’t get hurt. I hope we can make it through this nightmare. Everybody hopes for something. In something. It’s as natural as breathing. I hoped that one day I’d find my knight in shining armor. I didn’t know when he’d arrive on my doorstep so while I waited for him, I made a list of things that I desired to find in my future husband. Tall. Musical. Loves Jesus. Sensitive. Funny. Respectable. Admirable. Honest. Trusting. Protecting. Handsome. I hoped for a lot. Finally, he found me. And I found him. We were smitten with each other from our very first date at Chili’s in Austin, Texas. Apparently, he liked me so much that, unbeknownst to me, he put a down payment on my wedding ring the next day. And ten months later, I got a new last name. American author Catherine Marshall said, "God is the only one who can make the valley of trouble a door of hope." I had no idea how applicable this quote would be in my life one day. Nine years into our marriage, everything crumbled. Actually, it crumbled before that, I just didn’t know it. I’d come to find out that for a period of about two and a half years, my pastor-husband, Chris, acted out on his very sordid addiction to pornography and committed multiple acts of infidelity including a pregnancy from one of the women. The day he confessed all of this to me was the worst day of my life. I came to realize that it was just the first of many worst days of my life. My marriage died. So did my hope. I had already allowed my mind to go down the single mother path. I didn’t want to be divorced or raise my young son alone, but the alternative...staying married to a man who’d absolutely destroyed my heart, my trust and our marriage....was something I was just not sure I could do. I begged God to heal my very devastated heart. I was desperate for my pain to subside even just for a few moments. Although there was a huge part of me that just wanted to just cut my losses and hit the road, there was still this inner voice that kept asking, "What does God want you to do?" For several days I cried out to God, asking Him to give me a promise to believe in and stand on. I knew then, even in the pit of my despair, that I needed to be grounded in whatever decision I made. No matter which way my marriage went, there would be tumultuous storms coming my direction which would test my resilience in every way possible. He spoke to me through a very unlikely, minor prophet named Habakkuk: "For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay." (Hab 2:3, NIV) That verse may not mean anything to you but it means the world to me. It's the very promise I needed from God as I was contemplating my future. After this promise was confirmed to me by two unsuspecting individuals on the same day, I heard God whisper this hope to my heart: I know you don't understand what I am asking of you. I know you don't think anything good can come from this situation. But I need to you trust me. And one day, you will see all that I am doing and how I am working this for your good and My glory. So I stayed. Are you faced with the same life changing decisions? Perhaps you’ve already made your decision and have no idea how to walk it out? The question we hear more often than any other is, "What now?" We want to invite you to Hope Rising, a one day conference for betrayed spouses, Saturday, October 6th from 9:00 AM - 4:30 PM in Austin, TX. Registration opens today and space is limited. We expect the Austin event to sell out and are offering a live-streaming option. Make plans now to join us as we hear from Cindy, our Affair Recovery team of experts and other survivors who are thriving. 1Cindy Beall is a writer, speaker and mentor to women. She enjoys watching college football, hanging out with her sons, and sitting on her back porch with her husband, Chris. The Beall’s have been married since 1993 and have spent most of their marriage in full-time ministry. They have three sons between them which means there is very little pink in their home but a plethora of airsoft guns and camouflage. Cindy serves alongside her husband Chris at Life.Church, one of the nation's largest churches. Her first book, Healing Your Marriage When Trust Is Broken, released in 2011. Her second book Rebuilding a Marriage Better than New was released in 2016. cindybeall.com

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