Overcoming Discouragement in Recovery from Infidelity

Samuel shares from the early days of disclosure and his battle with suicide.

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Too sensitive?

It’s interesting as a betrayed spouse that I can identify emotionally with you as an unfaithful. After 2 discovery dates and continued deception (probably not cheating but just lying to do what he wants) I’ve too went through the painful emotions of “what’s left for me but my kids?” I would love to see that emotion, sadness, helplessness from my unfaithful spouse. Unfortunately, I have an unfaithful - because of childhood trauma (dad alcoholic and absent, mom super critical perfectionist) and now finally diagnosed with bipolar, Asperger, ADHD that’s probably always been a factor (I suspected and questioned soon after marriage but was told by him and his parents I was wrong even though I had the medical degree and other family members had been diagnosed)- who is incredibly self centric. I won’t say self centered because he’s actually unaware of being selfish. For example, my mom died this past July after fighting a brain tumor for 13 years, in which my husband rarely was a comfort or support (blamed her tumor on her being overweight, hypercritical of her from day one even though she treated him with much love). On the day of her funeral when all our family gathered at my childhood home he pulled me aside and said he was leaving for awhile. He was going to get a massage, his back hurt, absolutely no awareness that this was strange. Not only was this significant because he was leaving me and not comforting/supporting me and my family after losing my mom but his 3 year affair was with his MASSAGE therapist. It never occurred to him that it would be a trigger for me and that I will always associate my mom’s funeral with his AP because he got a massage. I’m at the point that I’d rather be alone than take on more of his insensitivity, I’ve had it for 27 years. And there’s little self motivation for him to get himself help, I’ve been his nurse (literally, I have a BSN) and still he and his parents are in denial about his mental health. I actually think not having to deal with it and being divorced would be easier, even on our children who graduate high school next year. He now is into guilting me that I’m breaking up the family (I filed in April) our last year together even though his affairs and deception started 5 years ago and his self centric ways started soon after marriage. I care deeply for him and want him healthy for himself and our kids (I can exit his life, they can’t as easily) and although he acknowledges he has issues he doesn’t DO the recommendations of therapists, counselors and psychiatrist. I’m at the end of hope.