Are You Safe Enough for Your Marriage? Part 3: Pride

Samuel continues his discussion on how to create safety in recovery and address pride.

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After having an eight year affair with an assistant, my UH states that it was “just physical”. One of my major sticking points is why it went on so long when he says it didn’t happen all the time and it just filled a “need” at the moment and he could go on with the rest of his life. He says he just needed something for himself and he “fell into it”. He says he continued because he felt like he could and she was there. He says he knows he was selfish, self centered and egotistical. His intent was never to leave me or hurt anyone - it just satisfied a want and need and it just took him awhile (years) to figure out it wasn’t that important.
I confronted him at the beginning because I was suspicious and he denied it twice. Shame on me for trusting the man I had been married to for 23 years at that point. I unfortunately did not learn the truth until 2 years ago, 6 years after he ended it. Am I wrong in needing an explanation that is more than “because I could, it was there and I needed it”? That he had finally succeeded in his career and decided it wasn’t as great as he thought and just needed “more”.
He has apologized and wants things to work out but I am still feeling like I need a better understanding of why our life was worth all the risk he took to carry on this deception for so long. Safe? Not sure about that

all good points....sorry for the delay...i was traveling

i think those are all good questions and needs. however, you wont get there on your own.  you'll need an expert and an expert's process to get all those (understandable) needs met.  i don't think he's lying on his reasonings, but they are insufficient in terms of understanding the totality of it all. it won't make sense to you as it's his mind and his reasonings, but also just not enough.   it will take the process to get to a better place of him understanding more about him and the affair and then being able to communicate more thoroughly to you and an expert can do that.  see if the ems weekend works for you:  it's the best way possible to get what you're looking for (which is not unrealistic or out of line at all). hope that helps and again, very sorry for the delay. 

What type of affair was it?

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