Are You Safe Enough for Your Marriage? Part 4 Drip Feeding

Samuel discusses drip feeding new information to your mate.

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Drip Feeding

Thank you, Samuel, for another great video. I've watched many, and this one is especially relevant. You are absolutely right on every point - drip feeding is extremely hurtful and damaging to the betrayed and to the relationship. For me, it was a death blow to our marriage. From the very first disclosure, I begged for the whole story and was told I knew everything - he even swore on the Bible that he'd disclosed it all. Next day, more came out, and the day after that, the week after that, the month after that..... We had a formal disclosure six months after D-day, where even more was revealed. At that point I asked him to move out for a while to give me space and time to think. He was angry - said he thought that by telling me everything it would be a new start for us and we could put it behind us. Something told me to ask another question about six weeks later. Sure enough, my gut was right - new information, that he said he didn't disclose because "it had been too recent" (happened shortly before the first disclosure). I'm done. My gut says there's more and I will never know the whole truth. I've filed for divorce - I can't believe a word this man says. We've been together for over 30 years, married 28, and I don't know who this person is.
Drip feeding, trickle-truth, whatever you want to call it, destroys a partner's trust, destroys their confidence in their own judgment, their outlook on marriage, and their belief that there's anyone out there that they can feel safe with.

thank you for the comment...

you're right on all points.....it's just devastating.  thank you for commenting and being a part of the community my friend.  i hope you're doing alright all things considered. 

Withholding information and trickle truth = delay healing

Thank you Samuel for yet another great video. This hits home. My UH was not forthcoming with very important information. Withholding information and Trickle truth is very damaging to BS, and the marriage. I think we can deal with the whole truth at once, I just cant deal with lies and drips of truth. I am still questioning myself if I know the whole story? Did I ask all the right question/s? Or what question/s do I need to ask again to get to know the truth. It’s hard to know when US are trying to manage what information to tell, what info to withhold and what info I deserve to know. My gut tells me that there is more information that I still don’t know. My US assures me I have the whole truth and that there is no more, but unfortunately I have heard that before. From discovery to confession, my husband withheld important information, to me it is the same as lying by dripping the truth bit by bit. There was more to the story than my husband was/is admitting to. We are doing better as a couple, but the “truth” took more than 1 1/2 years to come out and a question I asked the very first DDay and continued to ask throughout was truthfully answered only 3 months ago, and it was a “yes” or “no” question. I hope this is it, but I am afraid that yet another bomb will be dropped. Could it be that Unfaithful Spouses withhold information or trickle truth to save their fragile image or manage what we will think of them? Would love to know the reasons US do this. The worst has already happened, this is not about image, this is about building your trust with us again. I Prefer TRUTH no matter how ugly than be given bits and pieces of Info at a time, disguised lies, or partial truths. When Unfaithful Spouses do this is insulting, disrespectful and it’s still selfish and it is still about YOU, Unfaithful Spouses, and not about the pain inflicted on us by your continued 1/2 truths. The clock gets reset every time.

I Admit

I am an unfaithful spouse and I admit that i withheld the entire truth for 9 months. The reasons why I did this is because 1. I was deathly afraid that my husband would beat me up, and 2. I didn't want to hurt him. 3. I didn't want my marriage to be over. I know these are mostly selfish reasons. When I told him most of the truth, he slammed his fist into the wall right above my head. He was very abusive for 9 months. The truth came out and he started the abuse even more. I should've left. I should've called the police. I know this isn't an excuse. I prolonged his healing and for that, I am extremely sorry. The unfaithful need to feel safe enough to disclose.