I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your insights with us. It is helpful beyond words. This is a good video and I very much agree. Any details that I learned only served to trigger and haunt me. As far as I am concerned knowing the things you mentioned are quite enough...the details are the things that go along with all affairs. Looking back now I don't see where knowing the details helped me. Much of the time I think I wanted to ask to see my husband's willingness to answer. So anyway thanks again. All the blogs here serve as a roadmap out of hell and I very much appreciate it!

My husband was in ministry at the time of his infidelity. He had 2 physical affairs - one over two and half (longer emotional), the other four months physical and a single incident with a third woman. They overlapped each other. When he first disclosed he told me it was a single one off incident that never occurred again. At that time as he ripped out my heart his only concern seemed to be that I would reject the other woman (an friend/acquaintance). He seemed totally uncaring about what he was doing to me. We are now three years out, it was eleven months before I got full disclosure. In fact I am not even sure I have at this point. He will say things like "I have told you everything" and then say something like "oh I forgot I told you that". I am a very details person with a great memory and he is opposite. We have been married 27 years. The eleven months of him slowly torturing me with lies, blaming, trickling out information and the manner of his disclosure has done immense damage. I don't love him any more.

He now seems remorseful and wants to rebuild. I have tried over the last 2 years to love him again - tried to accept that love is a choice. I don't hate him, I think I have forgiven him but I simply don't love him now. The most I can muster is fondness. We date, have sex and spend time together - it's "meh". I really want to call it quits but he refuses - ironic really. Do you have any suggestions?

My husband was unfaithful for the first time nearly three years ago and was caught by me. I too got that trickle of information. I've read a term associated with sexual addiction called "iceberg information" that I think applies well. The offender only offers the information that one can see on the surface but keeps what's under water hidden. It takes actual courage to admit willingly to the things you don't "have" to admit to having done and I think if anyone's spouse has done that, you probably have a better chance of recovery. My husband, like I said, was caught red handed as I found email exchanges between him and his AP. He desperately tried to lie every step of the way until I read his own words back to him. That was really rough on me. He also failed to disclose that he'd, before the AP I knew about, slept with another woman and not been completely safe. I caught him in that lie about two weeks later. Thankfully I ran to get tested immediately after finding out and tested negative across the board. The very hardest part of my healing process has been that I've had to investigate my husband to get to tge truth, to the rest of the iceberg. It has been emotionally draining and made trust that much harder to rebuild. He had lots of opportunities, between he and I alone, in marriage counseling and he only disclosed when he was cornered. If your spouse decides to tell you the truth of their own volition or even if you catch them and they just come clean and are forthcoming off the bat, I hope anyone who reads this is able to appreciate how fortunate they are to be at that place, you can build from there. It's much harder to see your marriage in ruins and have to do more demolition just to get to the rebuilding.

Carlie, Today is DDay 2.... can you tell us what eventually led to your decision to divorce? Thanks. MM

Very unique series of events happening to every relationship.