The 3 Questions of Discovery

After the discovery of my spouse's infidelity, I felt like I no longer knew our history. It was important for him and I to develop a shared history so I could know what happened. There were 3 questions that were critical for me to achieve full disclosure. I share these questions along with the help they gave me and my spouse to achieve healing.

Add New Comment:

Comments

I've told you everything

I have a question. I understand that disclosure is very painful and takes time. I discovered my husbands affair May 3rd 2014 and he has now admitted to me that he had continued the lies for at least 9 months refusing to answer my questions. He expressed everything from anger to omisdion. I have asked the same questions for over a year and he has answered the same exact way each time. I know about the sex, how often and where. I have not wanted any details with that ..... What I have asked is what he talked about, his conversations, what words did he say. His response has always been things she said. He cannot remember saying anything.
At this point - if it wasn't such a painful blow it would almost be comical.... But there's nothing funny about this. Last week he said " the things I said to her were not appropriate for a married man to say to anyone. Am I crazy for wanting to know what words he said - conversations they had for over 3 months? Is it wrong to want to know what he said about me? She knew he was married the day they met. Please help me understand how to move forward. Is this information something I should just let go? He disclosed the places, the resaurants, the dates....... And even the same 5 sentences he must have repeated over and over again.
He admitted he wasn't truthful until 4 months ago... That is when he started telling me he just remembered bits and pieces of conversations .... His disclosure was that all she talked about was herself, their busnisses, construction, HER dreams, the wedding SHE was planning.... Blah, blah, blah. To be honest, the "disclosure" of conversations is like a slap in my face , the things said were conversations I could have with my mom.
Any advise as to what I am missing would be appreciated...... I have needed to know what I'm forgiving and to be honest..... It feels like being played over and over again. With each new piece of information that he dropped out - I had to go through all that pain and grieving..... I'm exhausted.
Thank you

How much detail...

Hi Leanne,
First of all, let me just say, I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. My heart breaks for you and the pain you're experiencing.
It sounds like you and your husband have gotten to the point of full disclosure which is a good place to be. It must've been torturous to have the truth leak out little by little over months of time. But now, it seems you have it all, minus the details/what you're asking me about.
As far as the specific conversations, I can tell you from experience that's a really difficult thing to put out of your mind later. I stumbled upon emails between my husband and his AP's and those are words I can't get out of my mind, yet I wish I could. If I could go back now, id rather not know those details. I needed those 3 questions answered and beyond that, I felt it didn't do me any good nor did it move me forward in my recovery to know the details of their conversations. In my mind, it was all bad, all hurtful, all stuff that was said to these women while my husband was (for lack of a better phrase) out of his mind. It was of no use to me to know. That's my experience.
If you have questions about specific things he said, I would encourage you to use the 24 hour rule: 1) write down the questions, 2) think and pray about it for 24 hours and 3) ask yourself, is this information that will help you move towards recovery and healing. If not, don't ask. If you decide yes it is, it is your husbands job go answer the questions. Because he was in, what we call, a "fog" at the time, he may not remember the details of what was said. Don't necessarily think he's lying to you about that. While in this "fog", the unfaithful become good at blocking things out from memory in order to deal with what they're doing. Again, I say this because that's what my husband did. He wasn't even sure if he had remembered all the women he had been with.
Hopefully, through using the 24 hour rule, and by you and your husband working together as a team to recover and come back together, you will find that you know all you need to and can start processing it, grieving it, and moving forward.
Hope this helps :)
Take care and God bless

Please help

Dear Carlie,
I just watched your video and while you didn't specify what occurred over the 15 years, I feel like I can identify with you. I am I. Desperate need of a mentor who has been though this.
My husband and I are waiting for the Nov 6 registration to open for the ems online course. I can't wait that long to start getting help.
In a nutshell, initial discovery was June 9, confessions of 2 happy ending massages. Every few weeks I pressed, knowing he wasn't completely honest. Aug 2 was supposedly the final reveal, admission of multiple massages, several including receiving oral sex, one quick giving of oral sex. NEVER intercourse. There were a few other separate confessions as well. ( I can into that later) This supposedly happened over a 4 year time period. Friday, October 2, I discovered that he had written over 100 reviews on an escort website, dating back to 2004. I am losing my mind.
Since June 6 he has done EVERYTHING possible to change (except being completely honest, of course) Again, I can give you more details later.

We are both in individual counseling and also couples counseling, but I need to walk through this with someone who has been there.
Would you be willing to contact me?
I am honestly getting by minute to minute some days and desperately need someone to talk to.
Thank you

Thank you

I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your insights with us. It is helpful beyond words. This is a good video and I very much agree. Any details that I learned only served to trigger and haunt me. As far as I am concerned knowing the things you mentioned are quite enough...the details are the things that go along with all affairs. Looking back now I don't see where knowing the details helped me. Much of the time I think I wanted to ask to see my husband's willingness to answer. So anyway thanks again. All the blogs here serve as a roadmap out of hell and I very much appreciate it!

He says he doesn't remember

My husband was in ministry at the time of his infidelity. He had 2 physical affairs - one over two and half (longer emotional), the other four months physical and a single incident with a third woman. They overlapped each other. When he first disclosed he told me it was a single one off incident that never occurred again. At that time as he ripped out my heart his only concern seemed to be that I would reject the other woman (an friend/acquaintance). He seemed totally uncaring about what he was doing to me. We are now three years out, it was eleven months before I got full disclosure. In fact I am not even sure I have at this point. He will say things like "I have told you everything" and then say something like "oh I forgot I told you that". I am a very details person with a great memory and he is opposite. We have been married 27 years. The eleven months of him slowly torturing me with lies, blaming, trickling out information and the manner of his disclosure has done immense damage. I don't love him any more.

He now seems remorseful and wants to rebuild. I have tried over the last 2 years to love him again - tried to accept that love is a choice. I don't hate him, I think I have forgiven him but I simply don't love him now. The most I can muster is fondness. We date, have sex and spend time together - it's "meh". I really want to call it quits but he refuses - ironic really. Do you have any suggestions?

It is torture

My husband was unfaithful for the first time nearly three years ago and was caught by me. I too got that trickle of information. I've read a term associated with sexual addiction called "iceberg information" that I think applies well. The offender only offers the information that one can see on the surface but keeps what's under water hidden. It takes actual courage to admit willingly to the things you don't "have" to admit to having done and I think if anyone's spouse has done that, you probably have a better chance of recovery. My husband, like I said, was caught red handed as I found email exchanges between him and his AP. He desperately tried to lie every step of the way until I read his own words back to him. That was really rough on me. He also failed to disclose that he'd, before the AP I knew about, slept with another woman and not been completely safe. I caught him in that lie about two weeks later. Thankfully I ran to get tested immediately after finding out and tested negative across the board. The very hardest part of my healing process has been that I've had to investigate my husband to get to tge truth, to the rest of the iceberg. It has been emotionally draining and made trust that much harder to rebuild. He had lots of opportunities, between he and I alone, in marriage counseling and he only disclosed when he was cornered. If your spouse decides to tell you the truth of their own volition or even if you catch them and they just come clean and are forthcoming off the bat, I hope anyone who reads this is able to appreciate how fortunate they are to be at that place, you can build from there. It's much harder to see your marriage in ruins and have to do more demolition just to get to the rebuilding.

What type of affair was it?

Our free Affair Analyzer provides you with insights about your unique situation and gives you a personalized plan of action.
Take the Affair Analyzer