Physical Intimacy

I have stared at the computer screen several minutes after writing the title, trying to think of the best way to approach this subject. After our period of separation, I remember the process of going back to being physically intimate was complicated and difficult for me. So many conflicting emotions. So many hopes, so many fears. Looking back, it occurs to me that the Keeper of my heart must have poured a double portion of protection over me as I waded into these deep waters. After being wounded my heart was extra sensitive, so it was easy for even a well-meaning friend to say something that would cause more harm than help. Thankfully though, healing words were also spoken to me during this part of my journey, so I was protected from any long-term issues that may have risen up from the less than understanding words that I received. As I write this I am praying that you too will receive a double portion of protection in this area, and that my words will help to bring healing rather than harm.

During the immediate aftermath that followed discovery, being intimate was a non-issue. Partly because we were separated, but more than that, physical intimacy was really just the furthest thing from my mind. I was way too wounded and scared to want to be close to Wayne. But, after a few months went by and a lot of healing had taken place, I began to miss him. I missed the closeness that we had shared together. Seeing the evidence of his changed heart helped me to feel safe enough to feel comfortable with the idea of sharing that closeness together again.

I remember that after our hearts had begun to heal, the first time we were together was great. I felt very connected to him. But after that my mind began to wander when we were together and I would become so distracted by inner questions that I found it difficult to enjoy the moment. I thought that if I could just ignore those pesky “what did they do?” & “is this really what he wants?” questions I would be fine. I found though that ignoring those questions only made the problem worse. It was when I began to be honest with myself and with Wayne about what I was thinking and feeling as soon as I felt them that things got better.

At first, I was a little hesitant to do this, because I felt bad about stopping the sequence of events for the purpose of talking about feelings or thoughts. But I needed to do it. Talking about things after being intimate was not as effective. I remember many times when I would have to stop everything so I could tell him the lies I was hearing, then we would pray about it together. Something about the intimacy of praying together helped me to relax and focus on the moment so we could enjoy one another. Wayne’s openness when we stopped to talk was huge for me. I also remember that his patience and his concern for my heart helped me to feel more comfortable as well. I don’t remember for sure how long it took for those intrusive thoughts to stop interrupting our time together, perhaps a few months, but I did finally reach a point where they were no longer an issue for me.

If you are experiencing some of the same heartaches that I did in this area, please don’t try to ignore it, or even fix it on your own. Let a godly counselor with experience in this area help guide you through it. A life-long heart wound of this kind is not something any of us want to live with. Fight for your heart! Fight for healing, and live…

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Re: Physical intimacy

Thanks for being open with your thoughts and struggles. All of your blogs provide hope for the future. This subject gets very little discussion at my house at this time. Hoping for a better future but feeling so much regret for the heartache and the pain that my unfaithfulness and addiction have caused.

Physical intamacy

This is he area I'm having most trouble with at this time. D-day was almost 2 years ago. I still don't want to be physically intamate with my husband. We have but very rarely! All I can think about or see in my mind is him with his AP. That his hands were all over her. That he broke our wedding vows. That he gave what was mine to another. Now I want nothing to do with him in that manner. Our relationship has healed greatly. We enjoy one another and now have a better marriage than before except for that one aspect. I know that it's not healthy for us but I can't seem to get around it. Any suggestions? It's to the point that if we are physically intamate than I take a shower after and end up very depressed for the next several hours. It actually makes me nausious even thinking about it right now.

I never hear about the other way around...

It has been 1 year since I discovered my husbands affair. He still can't make love to me.  He still can't kiss me.  He is the one that withdraws and withholds.  He hasn't made love to me for over 3 years now.  He doesn't know why a year later he has no desire.. none.  He had it when he was with her. I feel like he must still be in love with her.  He says he isn't. We shared wonderful intimacy before his affair.  He won't go for councelling. I don't understand.  I miss him.

Can't block the visuals

I have taken the time to read through your blog and the comments of others. Visualizing my husband with his APs has been a constant struggle for more than two years. I feel like we will never have a healthy sex life again - not because he isn't willing to work on it but because I can't get what he did out of my head. Whenever we are physically intimate within minutes my head is spinning -no matter what I have tried I can't stop picturing what it looked like when I wasn't there - when it wasn't with me. These scenes play and replay in my head. There's no way to enjoy the moment with my husband because I'm too wrapped up in my own preoccupation with visuals. I have tried everything therapists have recommended - even resorted to medication in an effort to stop perseverating - still there are certain acts that are instant triggers. I know this sounds a little like going to the doctor and saying "it hurts when I do (this) " and having the doctor reply "then don't do (that) " but I'm not sure that can bethe only solution. Afterall - if one is committed to saving a marriage- even one that has been compromised by years of infidelity- not engaging in sexual activity certainly can't be a realistic solution. There is nothing that I wouldn't try - lately I have been considering hypnosis and other alternative treatments. I just don't know what to do. I want for us to be ok. I want to have a normal healthy sex life that can be enjoyed by both of us. I just don't know how to get the visual imagery out of my head. I have hoped and prayed that it would get better over time but even after more than two years it still feels like it did when we first attempted resuming physical intimacy. Am I the only one who is stuck in my head? Does anyone have any suggestions on getting all of the APs out of your head? My bed just isn't big enough for all of us and every time I try again I am left feeling empty inside.

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