Survivors' Blog

Are You Frustrated Enough Yet?

I will attempt to describe a tipping point in recovery work which can set the stage for long term success or failure when recovering from infidelity.

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Are You Frustrated Enough Yet?

Submitted by confusedman on Thu, 01/21/2016 - 15:03

So like what are some of the actions I can take as the BS? My wife just doesn't do the work. I am 5 months D-Day and the last 2 months have been very painful for me. But some how I have seemed to be in a part of he cycle that I am angry again that the work isn't getting done. I have read thousands of pages over the last 5 month, bought three different workbooks that she won't do the work in, lost at least half my sleep cycle to intrusive dreams and just insomnia, journal-ed my feelings. I do daily meditation or exercise to relieve stress. I feel i am stuck some where between discovery and the next phase.

confused man....thank you for posting...

Submitted by Samuel on Fri, 01/22/2016 - 08:08

for starters, if you're doing all the work, something is wrong and it sure sounds like you alone, are doing the heavy lifting of recovery work. i think you'll need to understand that if she doesn't feel there is any threat, consequence or pain coming from not doing the work, she won't do it. that's just the reality of this type of shame, pride and confusion. this is a great article to read on some pointers on getting her to take action: https://www.affairrecovery.com/dealing-infidelity-how-get-your-mate-cooperate-without-being-controlling, i'd also like you to read this article as it will probably explain the dynamic you're facing in your marriage right now: https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/is-your-marriage-pleasing-versus-loving, if i were you, i'd let her know you'd like to do some recovery work together. try the ems weekend or the ems online course on the site. if she won't do it, then you'll need to use the article and tell her that you can't keep doing this. that it hurts you that she won't do any work, in light of the fact that she was the one who cheated and brought his pain upon you and that you can no longer live life like this. as i said in another vlog, she gets to say no, but life isn't going to stay the same for her: https://www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/they-get-say-no-life-going-change, then you'll need some form of consequences to come their way. so, before we go any further, take a read/watch and then let's talk again here when you're ready. so appreciate you reaching out.

Thank you Samuel and confused man

Submitted by OCHurtingWife on Fri, 01/22/2016 - 18:02

Confused man, I am in the same situation as you. Six months post D-day, and my husband is just barely willing to put in the effort. Luckily I have an excellent therapist who suggested that I give my spouse consequences for maintaining the 'status quo'. I finally indicated that if my husband isn't willing to go to therapy and do the work, then I am prepared to separate. My husband was very angry at the time, but did agree to go to counseling when he realized there will be consequences . Unfortunately he is still voicing his justifications for the affair and blaming me, and not willing to do the work to help me heal . But I have been going to therapy on my own and am much more self-aware. This has been key for me.

Also key have been Samuel's blogs. They have given me so much insight into my husband's behavior and provided comfort and guidance. Samuel, thank you for your honest and straightforward advice.

I have learned that, at the end of the day, I am responsible to take care of me and he is responsible to take care of him. I hope this results in reconciliation, but I will be a better person either way.

Confused man, wishing you strength and courage on this journey.

oc hurting wife, thank you

Submitted by Samuel on Mon, 01/25/2016 - 10:34

thank you for your sweet words. to hear that YOU are getting stronger and YOU are more aware and becoming a better person in your eyes, is huge. it's worth the journey and it is in fact, a journey. it's not overnight. it's a walk that you walk out every day, in spite of being in incredible pain and hurt and angst. i'm glad i've been a small piece to the journey of your healing.

Samuel

Submitted by rooster on Fri, 01/22/2016 - 19:23

Samuel
I can't thank you enough, your vlogs and blogs have been life saving and life altering. Frustrated is the place. We are 21 months out, with a second very major D-day at 10 months and faltering, Like confusedman, I feel like I am stuck between discovery and the next phase. I feel I am personally doing pretty well, but little has occurred to heal the marriage. 3 councilors, boot camp, hh and h4h, all because I pushed for it. A lot of trickle truth. She does not want to do the work, little empathy, little compassion, lot of shame, no tears for us or me. Extreme betrayal to me and family and also by family. She just wants to move on and make happy. You are right she gets to say no, but she doesn't get to say how recovery goes. Complains that I still go to the AR sight and read. AR has been a blessing for me and got me through many a bad day. Last night I hit that point, and made it known to her, if things don't change and my need for more answer's are not met , divorce. I have put much time and effort in to creating a safe environment, but she seems unwilling and incapable of going there. Frustrated is exactly where I am at . Again thanks for your words of wisdom, coming from someone who gets it has been a huge help to me.

rooster....

Submitted by Samuel on Mon, 01/25/2016 - 10:32

thank you for your kind words. i'm so glad it's helped you. it's terribly sad and frustrating when someone will not do the work. you have a right to put expectations upon them. you deserve at the very least, some sort of work to help heal. you have every right to expect some sort of work to repair the damage. i'm sorry it's not moving faster and i'm sorry it's such a grind, but at the very least, you are getting stronger yourself and that's worth every bit of effort in recovery. perhaps she's struggling with shame for what she's done that's why she won't talk about it and is upset you keep coming to the site. but keep coming. get the help YOU need. get the support and perspective YOU need. i know it can seem lonely, but i hope this is a safe place for you to not feel alone. if you haven't seen this yet, this is a great recovery timeline article as well: https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/2010-03-timeline, again thank you and if i can do anything else, please let me know.

It takes a long time for remorse and empathy

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 01/26/2016 - 22:28

Just some quick thoughts.

It seems to take a while to get unfaithful spouses to re-commit and do the work to repair the damage. I believe, as awful as this sounds, they must fully grieve the adulterous break up before they can sincerely put effort into rebuilding the marriage.

This is SUPER painful for the betrayed spouse. Michelle Werner has a great book "The divorce remedy" that talks in detail about how long it takes for the unfaithful to turn back and be willing to do the work. They start to believe all the lies they tell themselves, and it seems many of them rewrote the past to support their actions. Not an easy task to just snap their fingers and be rational and logical.

When I look back, I wish I would have had more firm boundaries for my husband. However, we discovered that he sufferes from recurrent depression, and he has always had GAD. I truly had to turn away from him and refocus on myself and my boys--he was completely incapable of taking care of ANYTHING during the months following the end of his adulterious medication.

In time, we created a list that my husband had to complete before he moved back home. Counseling, meeting with our pastor, and talking to a friend (a pilot) who had done the same (scary how similar) thing to his wife and kids, and attempted suicide after BOTH women got fed up and moved on. To this day, our pilot friend reminds my husband how hard life is without his family.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that it takes a long time for the reconnection process to turn from painful and mechanical to sincere and reflexive. Regret to remorse. It just does. Getting individual help and any work you can do though affair recovery will serve you well. It's not fair, but nothing about adultery is.

If your spouse suffered from depression which may have been a factor leading to adultery, there is a great web site called "storied mind" that talks in detail about how depression affects relationships, and how it takes a long time and a lot of sacrifice to make the relationship work again.

The good news is that at about three and a half years into recovery my husband was beginning to change from the inside out. He stayed with the counseling, even wrote letters to both our parents to apologize for his behavior. It does eventually happen for those who commit.

Keep asking for what you need. If you don't , it will bottle up and slowly destroy you. You have to be very resilient. Keep asking, If they want the relationship, they will get there. In the mean time, focus on you. Build a strong healthy you. Get centered, become financial independent, build your social next work, find something to be passionate about again. Someone once told me, you either get better or bitter. If you are strong and healthy, and someone is still not willing to do the work, you probably have a bigger question to ponder.

Feel your pain and frustrating and sending prayers your way.

Sammy

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