what2do, thanks so much for that.  i believe i've done one on that, but i'll have to see if it's going to be released soon.   can't remember as it was a long couple weeks, but i'm pretty sure it's been done.  hahahah.  they jumble together sometimes for me when i'm doing a few.  so glad they help my friend.  means a ton that you would comment and compliment.  

i'm so sorry friend.  that sucks for sure.  he doesn't want to talk about it as he's ashamed.   we don't talk about what makes us feel ashamed or bad about ourselves.  he's choosing to focus on his own pain more than you and your trauma.  here are some thoughts (series) on shame so you understand it more:  https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-recovery-understanding-the-paralysis-of-shame  I felt the same way early on in terms of the depression.  it is life altering.  but, one of the best ways to get out of bed is to focus on living for the kids.  they need you right now.  they need you more than you know and they need you more than even you know.  this is a great way to help you cope:  love those kids.  my therapist and mentor would say a couple things to me after every single phone call and session:  1. go love those kids.  2.  go sell a house.  

so, Ellie, go love those kids.  use them as a great way to get out of bed right now and still pursue life.  

confused man, thanks for watching and commenting.  i think you've commented a few times and always appreciate that.  i think at some level, you're on a journey of surrender my friend.  you can't control her and when we try to control and it fails, we get angry and frusrtrated.  and, i've learned frustration is a form of pride as we want things to be the way WE want them and they are not and so we're angry.  i then get to feeling sorry for myself and pouty and retreat(ed) rather than rising up and focusing on what i could control.  if i were you, i'd pull back and not try to force her to get it.  i'd pull back and create your own ambivalence to this whole restoration thing:  see these videos:  https://www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/what-do-you-do-when-your-spouse-ambivalent    https://www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/changing-dance-ambivalence   https://www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/when-betrayed-spouses-are-perceived-needy-or-codependent  i mean if she doesn't want to do recovery work, why make her try.  for her to have three episodes and then still be angry and n ot want help, the fact is she is pulling away from you and you pulling her back only creates the rubber band and she is going to pull more and more.  i would stop.  i would focus on ME and MY OWN JOURNEY of healing and not try to get her to seek you.  she will then eventually, if there is ANY hope, start to pull towards you.  if she does NOT, my friend, sadly, it may be over and she may be done and need to go her separate way.  i wish i could be more hopeful.  but i will tell you, the data would support that those who are in your position and take this road i'm suggesting, find far more success than pushing and pulling and hoping they come and get help.  they usually pull farther and farther away.  the more you try the less successful you are.  so work on you.  tell her you're actually coming to grips with the fact that she's not wanting to save the marriage and you're OK with that.  you're also considering your options about the future and seeing that you'l l be fine without her.  if you're not going to be fine without her, then perhaps she is an idol of sorts and you need to still tell her you're going to be ok, but work on any slight codependency issues you're facing.  does this all make sense?  happy to dialogue with you about this my friend.