Is Forgiveness the Final Piece to the Puzzle?

Samuel shares insight on how the unfaithful spouse can help the betrayed spouse heal faster.

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Is Forgiveness the Final Piece to the Puzzle ?

My husband and I are almost 8 months out from D-day (1/12/17) and he still does not "Get it" I am wondering how long it took you Samuel to "Own It" Just like you say in the video my Unfaithful Husband has said he is sorry and now lets get back to normal ! Like you said, he is creating more and more pain for me and I am moving away from him instead of closer to him. Any suggestions ?

all good questions and concerns...

thanks for the comment healing17 and for watching.  for starters, what help have you received?  it doesn't just take time, but what you do with the time and in that time that makes all the difference in the world.  if he's not received expert help, i fear it may be a long time and i'm not sure you'll be able to wait that long and tolerate his lack of compassion.   he's going to need something like our ems weekend or ems online before it really hits home.  if he doesn't get that level of help, then I fear he may not get it for quite some time.  so what help have you received and have you thought about the weekend or the online course?

sorry for the delay.  i was traveling for a few days. 

 

Another powerful message! I

Another powerful message! I thank God for your testimonies and willingness to share your strength, experience, and hope. As an aside, what about forgiveness with family members? (parents, siblings, etc.) - making an amends to them - how, when, etc. It seems there is very little on this site about that.

thank you..

thanks for watching, posting, and for the extremely kind and encouraging words.  there isn't a ton of the site as we focus on the marriage and individuals healing.  it really varies.  the principles of forgiveness are still accurate and still applicable.  you'll need to forgive them, but you may not need or want to reconcile with family members for a while.  you may need space from them if you're pursuing your marriage and they are against it.   it really is very situational to be honest.  you should always forgive them for your own healing but you don't have to reconcile with them if

1. they are not safe

2. are not able to remain objective to you and your decisions

3. work to make recovery harder and are not supportive of your decisions (unless of course there is abuse then perhaps you need to give them some time in your heart and mind)

i hope this helps with some general understanding and suggestions. 

Kinda confused

So my girlfriend and I are back together after a break.
And she doesn’t want to pretend that things are back to normal. Which is good cause honestly. Normal for us. Was pretty horrible for her. But when I try talking to her about some of the things I need from her. She tells me that she feels like it is work. And doesn’t like it. And school just started back up for her and work is busy. And she does Olympic weight lifting on top of it all. Plus dealing with me being the betrayer. I can understand that it stresses her out. But we can’t stop talking about things because she doesn’t like it. Obviously I am important to her. Otherwise she wouldn’t deal with it on top of everything else she has going on. She has forgiven me. But doesn’t seem like she wants to work on things though. She feels like I didn’t have to deal with any real consequences while we were apart. Her family and friends don’t support her decision of working things out with me. And she feels like I am trying to make this into an equal effort deal between us. And that it isn’t fair to her. Cause she didn’t do half of the damage when we were together. I’m sorry if I seem all over the place. I’m just confused on what I should be doing. Your videos have helped me deal with this greatly.

Facing the consequences

Hi Samuel,
Can you clarify a bit more about the unfaithful "facing the consequences" of what they have done and walking into the pain of the betrayed. I think we are unclear on what the "work" is that is required to heal. I don't think my husband sees that it is also him who has to heal.

not exactly sure....

hi anna, not sure what exactly you're referring to but i'll take a stab at it.  the unfaithful can't run from their consequences of their choices. ie run from 1. tough questions, 2. facing the reality of a separation, or counseling, or recovery work 3. empathy 4. remorse 5. lack of trust and the list goes on and on.  many unfaithful want to run away or fight against those things and be angry that they are experiencing them and then take that anger out on their betrayed spouse.  it's a bit rediculous to punish our betrayed spouse for our choices right?  so it's about really owning what we've done and being willing to do whatever it takes to heal our spouse and heal ourselves.  when we walk into the pain of the betrayed, we choose to talk, take initiative, answer tough questions, answer accountability questions etc.  is this answering your question my friend?  happy to offer any and all clarity i can.  

work can be an ems weekend, or the free bootcamp, or expert counseling, or reading books, or finding accountability, etc.  it's about doing what they can to get healthy and stay healthy.  

hows that sound and sit with you?  did i answer it?

 

not exactly sure....

hi anna, not sure what exactly you're referring to but i'll take a stab at it.  the unfaithful can't run from their consequences of their choices. ie run from 1. tough questions, 2. facing the reality of a separation, or counseling, or recovery work 3. empathy 4. remorse 5. lack of trust and the list goes on and on.  many unfaithful want to run away or fight against those things and be angry that they are experiencing them and then take that anger out on their betrayed spouse.  it's a bit rediculous to punish our betrayed spouse for our choices right?  so it's about really owning what we've done and being willing to do whatever it takes to heal our spouse and heal ourselves.  when we walk into the pain of the betrayed, we choose to talk, take initiative, answer tough questions, answer accountability questions etc.  is this answering your question my friend?  happy to offer any and all clarity i can.  

work can be an ems weekend, or the free bootcamp, or expert counseling, or reading books, or finding accountability, etc.  it's about doing what they can to get healthy and stay healthy.  

hows that sound and sit with you?  did i answer it?

 

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