Help for the Unfaithful: What Does It Mean to 'Own It?'

Samuel answers the question: "What does it mean to own it in repair work?"

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NOT owning it

Thanks Samuel, this has been the very problem for 18 months, he has not owned it. Only blamed, minimized, justified, denied, so, we have only gotten worse, now estranged. I am still in therapy and learning to heal myself although the marriage (over 3 decades) is over. I begged him for over a year to own it and only got more lies and denying, even though there is proof of all the acting out. Your wisdom, experience, words, empathy, etc are one of the tools that has helped hold me up these 18 months along with godly friends, counsel, mentors, all part of a team that, though initially intended to save the marriage and failed due to him not wanting it, has ultimately ended up saving me, keeping me from ending up on the floor in a puddle. God has a plan for me and I will be o.k., though I will forever be scarred deeply by what happened and continues to happen. The not owning it and denying is actually worse than the behaviors and betrayal. Thanks Samuel and thanks Samantha, if she had not gone through what she did and survived, I doubt that you, Samuel would be doing what you are doing, so Samantha deserves a big portion of the thanks.

i'm very sorry

thank you for the kind words.  samantha is the real hero.  i'm so sorry for your pain and hurt.  keep healing my friend.  i know it's devastating but you're worth the effort to heal and repair.   God never wastes our sorrows my friend.  

Trying so very hard

Hey samuel, thanks for all the work and videos. I do watch so many of them. I the unfaithful am hitting a point of needing to apply the videos better. And "not getting it" we are about 6 months out DDay. I am really struggling with my side of recovery. Struggling with unchecked emotional break downs and angery issues, and communication struggles my betrayed is having a hard time feeling safe to talk to me because of how i have and continuing to not get it. Through fortune telling, minimizing not owing it. Not showing remorse or empathy that he can see. He has told me him self what he needs and i am having a hard time understanding even those request. I am trying my very very hardest. I am struggling evey day to even keep my self in check and learn to love my self even a little. I've tried to explain my history and growing up life on why i struggle with the issues i face. I just am having a hard time applying everything the right way at the right time. It does seem like nothing i say or do is good enough or i am still missing the big picture. I am listening to my betrayed and honestly trying but failing. We are in EMSO currently just really having a tough time on my side. Thanks so much for your continued bravery and courage. Thank Samantha for her Grace and strength. Your story has really helped just asking for any suggestions. I am 1000% trying and just dont want to contiune to disappoint and fail my betrayed any longer.