How do you Show Empathy or Remorse to Your Betrayed Spouse?

Comments

Dead on and today is the one

Submitted by rooster on Thu, 02/18/2016 - 05:52

Dead on and today is the one year mark for a 2nd and very traumatic D-day. Always about her and her pain. The part about really owning it really hit home, I see it as what you do and how you respond, not just saying yeah I did it now let's just move forward. Pretty hard to move forward with this type of attitude.

If only....

Submitted by Brokenbutstanding (not verified) on Tue, 03/01/2016 - 14:50

Thank you Samuel, for all these videos and for being willing to open up your heart and share so much of yourself to help others. Listening to this one was very painful for me as a betrayed spouse. It's more than a year past D-Day but the response from my spouse has been "sorry" and "all I can tell you is I'm trying". In the beginning he went to a few counseling sessions but stopped because he felt it 'wasn't working.' He will not read articles, go to counseling, or take any other steps to heal the marriage. He confessed two weeks ago that he still has "feelings" for the other person and he is only staying with me because of the children. The pain since then has been overwhelming. I am completely committed to doing everything I can to save the marriage. I looked at your video and it seems unreal that an unfaithful spouse could express such things and show such kind of care. I will continue to pray for mine.

im sure that hurt like nothing else..

Submitted by Samuel on Wed, 03/02/2016 - 10:04

brokenbutstanding, i'm so sorry for that. that must have hurt like heck. i will tell you, if he isn't willing to do the work or any work or what not, then i fear it's not going to change. i understand 'standing' but I'd encourage you to also empower yourself in the situation. these two articles will help: https://www.affairrecovery.com/dealing-infidelity-how-get-your-mate-cooperate-without-being-controlling and another one: https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/healing-infidelity-alone you can still empower yourself and take the stance that says something like 'if you're not willing to get help and if you're not willing to take action, then I can't keep doing this and living like this..." then decide what consequences are going to come his way. unfaithful usually change or take action at the threat of three things: 1. loss 2. the threat of consequences 3. pain. this article will also help: https://www.affairrecovery.com/dealing-infidelity-how-get-your-mate-cooperate-without-being-controlling there is great hope. God isn't done with you or your marriage or your spouse. but i do think you can work on you and begin to pursue your own recovery and start to see the tide turn. hope that all helps you.

Thank you so much for

Submitted by Brokenbutstanding (not verified) on Thu, 03/03/2016 - 09:53

Thank you so much for replying to my comment and I will definitely read the articles and do everything I can for my own recovery. I am also going to counseling on my own and holding on by faith. Please keep on sharing and all the work that you do for hurting people like us. God bless you.

Doesn't get it...

Submitted by jama55 on Sun, 03/20/2016 - 11:57

Samuel, we are 17 months out from our second dday with the same woman. He is defensive constantly when we talk about it. Never talks about what he felt about her. Wants to say that he didn't care about her, yet had to talk to her nearly everyday for 8 years! That isn't owning it in my mind. He pursued it every bit as much as her, yet he blames her now that he is kind of done blaming me and the marriage. I feel that he doesn't get it. He thinks he shows me empathy, but doesn't do any of the things you say in this video. I want him to engage me and initiate, but he doesn't. We are taking the EMS on-line course because I demanded it. We both have therapists and have been to marital counseling, which has been very disappointing. We are stuck. I'm so tired of chasing him around asking him to give me what I need. He has watched this video because I asked him to. He doesn't apply any of it though and has actually told me I don't do anything to help myself! I feel I am the ONLY one helping me! To top it all off my mother died three weeks ago and after being terrific through the funeral and the week of her death his empathy for me now is pretty much non-existent. I think it is because all the grief is now tied up together and he doesn't want to ask me about her for fear it will morph into grief about us, which is probably true. I have experienced so much loss in the last 17 months. The course is making us address issues, but his reluctance is not giving me much hope. I've read the articles that you suggested. I feel betrayed again because of his lack of empathy.

Amber (New!)

Alumna, Grateful Wayward. Strong believer in small group recovery and the power of sharing our faith, experience, strength, and hope in community. Miracles happen.

Norman (New!)

Alumnus, betrayed. Be a voice of encouragement for those in pain and navigating emotional trauma. The journey to healing can seem impossible, but don’t ever give up as there is a light at the end of that tunnel. Please show yourself compassion, grace, and love.

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