How Much Is Too Much? When Should You Give up Hope?

Samuel answers one of the most common questions by betrayed spouses: "When is enough, enough?"

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When is it enough?

Samuel, I’m not positive but I think this video may have come from a comment I sent you last week. God continues to show me he’s there. I think using you this time.I’m a betrayed male spouse. I live about an hour south of mpls, Mn. I have searched very hard for expert counsel. I have found nothing. I plan on doing hope for healing when it opens again. My wife the unfaithful signed up for harboring hope yesterday but does not seem serious. We’ve been married 17 years. 16 of those years have been affairs with 12 different men. Is there a way to find some counsel through affair recovery. We have a rental setup that she can rent so we can separate and I am very torn as to pull the trigger or not. Any counsel would be so appreciated. Thank you

cody.....

hi there.   thanks for reaching out.  no offense my friend, but i get this question a lot and have been wanting to do a video blog about it, but have shyed away as it's sensitive as you can imagine.  it's a common struggle to process this question of 'when is enough, enough...'  if i were you, i'd do the harboring hope for you, for 100 as there are no mens groups going on.  you can take it for 100 and just watch the videos and do the curriculum on a go at your own pace, so if you'd like to do that, email me at samuel@hope-now.com and i'll make sure i get you the coupon code to take the course on your own.  as far as counseling, see if any of our therapists are seeing people.  they are usually full, but may have some cancellations or some openings.  i would try in this order, to see one of our therapists that actually facilitate the ems weekend as well.  see about 1. leslie, 2. john, 3. wayne.  you can call 512-346-9299 and talk to vanessa the secretary.  tell her that samuel sent you and that you'd like to see if you can get in to to see any of them via phone and then let me know.  if not, i have one more potential to see but let's try them first.  keep me in the loop my friend. 

 

Thank you

Samuel, thank you for the reply. I will do exactly as you say.

Cues....

Timely video for me. I wasn't getting the cues I needed even though H said he was "all in" and promised to do whatever it takes. I guess that meant whatever he felt like doing for as long as he felt like doing it. He said enough - not me. He blamed me. He left 6 mos. ago and hasn't looked back. Abandoned me in every sense except financially - which I'm grateful for. I've done HH - watch the videos - therapist.

I have some serious questions to answer.

so glad you're here...

cn,

thanks for commenting my friend.  i'm so so sorry for the situation you're in.  it's tough for sure.  i hope you can continue to be courageous and fight for new life.  it's dark i'm sure, but you're here on the site, and you're here watching and you're doing what you can to heal.  it's a process and it's painful, but you're still valuable, and still have life and are already being brave.  don't give up my friend.  

Sometimes I feel like there's

Sometimes I feel like there's progress, a softening heart, an interest to work on our marriage and then other times I feel like there is so much resistance and denial still. I have been watching a lot of these videos and gaining insight into my unfaithful spouses' actions, which has been so helpful. But I also feel like I'm the only one pursuing the hope of rebuilding a marriage. I'm feeling stuck and not quite sure what to do next.

I've reached enough is enough

It's been 19 months after first DDay, 6 months after second DDay which included finding out there were 3 more affairs (H calls them "mistakes" because they were brief, unlike the 3 year in town affair where he filed divorce, gave her a ring and asked her "want to get married someday?") so I'm done pursuing any more couples therapy. One of those brief affairs started right before our EMS weekend, plus a 4 day relapse to the long term AP -which I was blamed for when I kicked him out of the house because he was waffling on the retreat and my gut told me he was cheating again, I just didn't know it was a new woman. He lied in EMS, lied until this March when I finally got everything. Lied about our brother in law setting him up with 2 of the brief affairs (one before and one after I knew he cheated) including the last one in which he took her to the same vacation spot we were at one week before. In the beginning I did all the hard things he wanted me to address to meet "his needs" (very bad advice from a Christian counselor who uses His Needs/Her Needs, not a good resource for affair counseling) and he repaid me by having a 4th affair and continued to lie. But it's been 6 more months of justification, blaming me, saying "I've got to work (his business is failing) I don't have time", refusing to come clean with his family about the brief affairs to protect the brother in law (his SISTER'S husband), his parents and him saying I need to forgive and move on (they are Christians but that was how his mom handled his father's cheating and his sister turns a blind eye to her husbands multiple affairs with the forgiveness only model). Our therapist has told him almost every session, it's like she's had mass internal injuries from a car accident YOU caused, you may be focused on your broken arm but her whole body is broken, she has to heal, she has to get herself help, but you could forget about your broken arm and come along side her and help her heal. She also usually closes with Prov 6:31 -if a thief "is caught, he must pay sevenfold, though it cost him all the wealth of his house". But my husband wants quick forgiveness, not reconciliation with repentance and restitution. He wants it all to be over (the guilt, pain and shame he feels) and "kiss and make up", yes he texted that to me last week. We never even finished our EMS retreat group because he was flying to be with the last affair. So 6 weeks ago I told him to move out again, gave him a list of non negotiables (some of them I had asked for months) in order to move back home- two are half done (He just enrolled in Hope for Healing, but has not started. I did Harbouring Hope in January, asked him to do H for H then too). It took him a year to sell the car he drove her around in and cancel the massage club memberships (long term AP was his massage therapist) so I don't hold out much hope of him doing current requests. Maybe Hope for Healing will be his turning point (I pray it is for our 16 yr old twins just so he gets their pain) but I think it will be just too late for me. I've had enough of getting words of " I'm sorry, I'll try" with little tidbits of change and then going back to his self centered life. I'm at Enough is Enough

understood

hi drummer....i get it.  i think anyone would be at enough is enough for you.  you have to do what you feel your gut is telling you.  hope for healing is excellent and may be a bit of a turning point for sure.  however, you get out what you put in right, so I"m not sure how much he is going to put in?  so it's not a quick fix, and I know you know that.  i hope and pray you can continue to make it through this process. i know it hurts like hell, but you're incredibly brave to stick it out and keep trying.  i'm sorry for the pain you're in.

 

Revenge Affair?

My husband doesn't want to work on our marriage. He wants me to sign a post nuptial agreement since my affair and can't promise any chance of reconciliation. He says he wants to "move on" or "see what's out there." How long do I hang on? This is tough. I deserve it. He doesn't know if he wants a divorce. He says the post-Nup is the first step and we will go from there. He says I did my thing for 5 months so he's going to do his thing and doesn't want me attached to his hip. Yet, we still are married and still live together. Advise?