An Interview with a Betrayed Male Spouse Part 2

Samuel provides a follow up to an earlier interview with a betrayed male spouse.

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not seeing big difference

I am a betrayed female spouse. I watched these two interviews and honestly for me I don't see much difference between the betrayed male and betrayed female spouse. It was interesting to actually realize that the pain is pretty much the same. Thanks so much for all your videos. I have gained so much from watching them, even though for me I am still not at the point of reconciliation the videos help me understand what is happening. My husband has been having an affair for about 8 months and we have been separated for over 5 months. This is his second affair in two years. And it seems that each video that comes out was produced for me. Thanks so much.

so glad to hear that....

i try and make all we do to be as current and as impacting as it can be.  so thank you for sharing your insight and how the videos help.  it gives me and the team great encouragement to keep doing what we're doing.  so glad it's helping you and that you're here on the site. 

 

i'm so glad the videos helped you....

thank you for posting my friend.  i'm so glad the videos are helping you and hitting you right where you're at.  that's what we try and do:  reach people right where they are in their own process. it's not always easy and it's not always as excellent as we'd like it or I'd like it, but we do our best.   it's so encouraging to get feedback like this.  i'm sorry it's so tough for you as I know you're facing so much......be good to you.  go easy on yourself. 

Thank you for hearing us

Thanks for this series with John, and recognizing that the betrayed male really feels like their experience is different. For most men, we are isolated anyway, and when we find out about our wives' betrayal, we tend to further isolate ourselves. To make matters worse, the messages we hear from society and even in our churches is a resounding message of MAN BAD/WOMAN GOOD, which is the exact opposite of our experience. When we finally find resources to help us, they are all written from a BW/UH standpoint and the fact that all men are pigs, so hearing anything from a betrayed husband perspective is like water in the desert to a man dying of thirst. Our culture would have us believe that men are to suck it up and get back to work...we shouldn't have feelings as we have to 'man our post', which makes talking about recovery even harder. As a betrayed male, I want to hear from another betrayed male who has been through it and found hope at the end of the dark tunnel. A betrayed female can find all the resources under the sun for their recovery, written by betrayed women for betrayed women. Very few, if any, exist for the betrayed male, which is a trend that I would love to see reversed.

I recognize that pain is universal, even though everyone's journey is unique. I also recognize that the steps toward healing (grieving, forgiveness and letting go) are also universal. Just wanted to say thanks for submitting this set of videos and for bringing the betrayed male perspective to the forefront. I and many of my mighty warrior friends would love to see more like this! All the best!

People FIRST

Please allow me to express my gratitude for your insightful video John & Samuel. I completely appreciated your wisdom combined with compassion for spouses who have been betrayed.

"A betrayed female can find all the resources under the sun for their recovery, written by betrayed women for betrayed women" and "When we finally find resources to help us, they are all written from a BW/UH standpoint and the fact that all men are pigs."

I want to say that when I read the comments by the viewer above, I thought that it is more empowering to see each other as "people" rather than by gender, and certainly not as "pigs"! We ALL hurt as humans when our lives and trust are shattered by the one person we chose to love and grow old with in marriage.

Last October, I attended the Hope Rising - conference for betrayed spouses and witnessed both males and females offering expertise and support for each of us as BS. We were ALL in common emotional pain AND ALL receiving resources for healing from infidelity betrayal. Our gender cannot ameliorate the soul shattering effects of betrayal. The same shame, impotence, fear, grief and trauma are experienced regardless of our male or female identity. I appreciate that Affair Recovery recognizes and offers healing for us as people first, experiences and person-traits second (including gender).

thank you for sharing that darkstar

means a ton you'd share that Darkstar.  thank you for that great feedback. means so much.

 

Request

Dear Samuel,
I have been watching this video with great pleasure and I really appreciate your efforts to speak about aspects of infidelity which nobody wants to speak about (because they are too controversial or too painful). One of such a subject is child from the affair- there is almost nothing to read about it, nobody share their experience with it (if they do- it is like- "for the marriage to go beyond infidelity is almost impossible with the child out of affair- there is no good solution and it makes the whole process of recovery hundred ways more complicated and you will never get it right".
Could you please address this subject on your blog. I'm sure there will be hundreds of couples interested and experiencing this issue.
As infidelity is a taboo subject to discuss in general society the same (from my experience) "the child from infidelity" is a taboo subject among those who discuss and deal with the infidelity professionally. As a betrayed woman, who's husband made his AP pregnant, I would love to hear more on how to deal with this situation (more than "every child deserve to have a father"). What about all the fundamentals in recovery process " no contact with AP" , "creating the safe environment" etc. Please, please, please try to make a interview with somebody on this subject.
Thank you in advance and sorry for my English (it's not my native language).
Best regards Paula

Thank you Samuel and John

Thank you Samuel and John for these 2 very heartfelt videos about the experience of betrayed men. Betrayal DOES hit a man's soul in unique ways. I've seen it in my own husband, who I betrayed, and it is so refreshing to hear that being validated loud and clear in this interview. Yes there's a long list of ways that infidelity betrayal and healing from it are essentially the same for all, no matter what gender has been hurt. But there are some nuances to the losses, as John understands and gives voice to, that aren't the same. One set of wounds is not bigger or more painful than the other, just very different in some ways. Thank you for talking about this in the videos.

I think it's hard for someone who is not a betrayed man to understand this sometimes. I also think we need to guard against arguing with someone else's experience and feelings, regardless of the presence of understanding them or not. It's interesting that it's widely accepted that men generally have very different reasons for having affairs than women do, yet it's also widely accepted that there's really no difference in how men and women process the betrayal.

Thank you both again for taking on this subject!