Viewer Question: Should I, the Betrayed, Be over It by Now?

Samuel answers the question of whether the betrayed spouse should be farther along than they are.

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What do you do as a betrayed

What do you do as a betrayed if you feel like you are doing really well in your recovery and your spouse says you aren't? When I have triggers or sad feelings he accuses me of not being healed. We are just under 2 years in. I have done a lot of work and am very proud of where I am at but when we fight and he accuses me of not healing, I feel like maybe I'm not, or I'm crazy. How do I handle that?

i'm so sorry....

first of, it's not helping for him to say that.  i know you know that, but i'm not sure he's the appropriate judge on whether or not you're healed and recovered.  it should be an expert third party who is deciding that scenario and progress.  are you getting help anywhere or with anyone to have them speak to it?  at two years, there is some sadness, but it's periodical and not often and it also depends on what type of hell you've been put through.  so it's situational at some level.  if there were multiple affairs, std's multiple disclosures etc, then two years may not be enough time.  if it wasn't at that level, perhaps there are some areas you're needing to attend to and address if the sadness is often and common.  if you've not had much expert help, then that could be a factor too.  i would ask him to not be the decision maker on how healed you are and to express to himself how proud of yourself you are.  don't let him or anyone take that away from you.  

Thank you for that

Thank you for that encouragement. There was a lot of trauma involved and I have worked through the toughest parts of PTSD from it. I have recieved help from a few different counselors as well as a mentor, all who have expressed that they are impressed and happy with my level of healing as well. The accusations from him tend to come when I am doing self improvement and he is not, so I assume he is possibly projecting shame. I appreciate the input on how to approach him about it.

IT GOES HOW IT GOES

I think the betrayal is mine to keep. All I can do is choose how to handle my emotions as they come. Cant forget it , trying to forgive it and hoping time will ease the pain. Just about 2 years out from the first d day; everyday is a challenge.

Get over it

I don't know how anyone can ever "get over " a betrayal. As humans we don't get over that kind of hurt. We move on, we establish a new normal, we divorce, remarry or maybe we establish a new normal with our spouse. We don't get over the death of a child, betrayal or other extreme hurts. It just becomes part of our life fabric.

Yep, yep, yep....

Forgiven him - yes, forgotten - no. PTSD, check.....Lies, check.....doing great & then I find out more information and not because he’s offered it. It’s been 2 years since D-day but I feel like I’m in limbo. The first data dump was 2 days after our 31st anniversary and 2 days before Christmas (and not because he told me), then the 2nd came just after Valentine’s Day 2018 (again, not because he offered) and then the last came last Valentine’s Day (someone approached me). Every time takes me back to the D-day. Every holiday is a trigger for me in some way, certain places on certain days are also difficult. He says he’s trying really hard, but is not interested in dealing with it and his default is defensiveness. And he wonders why I’m not farther along.... Healing will happen, I’m giving my self grace & space and so is God....

Trying really hard

I’m trying really hard to find myself again and struggle daily because of my impatient self working through my UH’s unbelievable selfishness and my own shortcomings.
I frequently wonder why I am not farther along in my own recovery as a betrayed spouse.
My world has been going through the psychological trauma of earthquakes, tsunamis, cyclones, hurricanes, horrendous blizzards of epic proportions and I wonder how it is that I am not farther along from betrayal of a magnitude that I’m not even sure what it is that I can start to begin to forgive MYSELF for, let alone, what is it that I am willing and able to forgive my unfaithful for?
Do I need to forgive myself for tagging along with the kids that were in my care and he was their instructor that snowy ski day? What was the allure? How far back do I need to forgive myself for? I married him thinking that after dating/living together for 4-5 years that I knew what it was that made him “tick.” I saw him as a positive example of a decent human being and that together we could be a positive force in this world, and together, we could support each other for the betterment of our world. . .
What I didn’t know is that he didn’t disclose that he had cheated on his ex wife in our dating relationship. Their divorce was mutual after a less than two year marriage. No children, no monetary investments together and the divorce was final without strings attached. (I have sense found out that those strings were still attached) I didn’t even know him when he was married to her. I had no idea about what sex addiction was , either. I know about how damaging it was to be in a teenager’s world with alcoholism.
My world has been real with some wonderful highs and difficult lows in my life journey so far.
Sadly, my unfaithful was hiding from the possibility of having a truly brilliant life because of how his dark, cowardly, selfishness impacted so many people in his life and our lives together.
Yes, we look successful from the outside world. There are others who think that they want to emulate our relationship because of what they have seen. What a wonderful compliment from these younger couples.
Sadly, now I have to say that what they don’t know is that they are only seeing the “pretend normal” and I am not even sure that is what it is. Maybe, more like this is the shell shock version of what CPTSD looks like.
Recovery work is emotionally difficult and mentally draining. It’s taking energy, courage, strength, empathy, compassion time and money that I would rather spend on a thousand other things to get THROUGH the muckiest years of my life journey. I’m learning how to do this with tiny steps forward and just as many awkward steps backward finding what it is that qualifies as recovery. Keep breathing and keep going forward.
Thank you Samuel for continuing to go through this incredibly difficult journey to help many of us find a rewarding life story ahead for each and every one of us willing and courageous enough to be exposed in such an intimate way.

Correction

(I have since found out that those strings were still attached)