Rediscovering Your Partner's Heart after Infidelity Part One

Samuel shares pointers on how to help the unfaithful rediscover the betrayed's heart.

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High Five

Great encouragement Samuel! Thank you. really. I appreciate you sharing how this was part of your process, even with the sexual "timeout" season.
I know I get that pit in my stomach everytime as it feels like I'm being asked to walk into the middle of the street and get run over by a moving truck.
How did you fight not mentally checking out or your own flooding?

thank you......

I was able to do lots of work behind the scenes before we were intimate.   for me, it was about 1. forgiving my affair partner, and letting go of bitterness towards here so i wouldn't continue to fixate on her.  2. it was about forgiving samantha for what i felt were many issues of rejection and disapproval  3. i had immense accountability to ask me if i was thinking about my affair partner, and what i was doing about it when i was and if i was allowing myself to fixate on her.  4. i knew going into any intimate experiences that i was to stay focused or else i would drift.  sure, sometimes, my mind did drift but i was able to catch it very quickly.  it's not a sin, nor dysfunction to have your mind drift....it's about not letting it run where it wants to run and it's about shifting focus if and when it happened.  it does happen early on, but you have the power to shift your focus back to your spouse/partner and take control of what you think about.  sure it's tough, but with effort and strategy it gets much easier.  

Discouraged

My husband (who is the betrayed) typically does really well (its been 10 months with discovery) but he still has flooding moments that make him say things like 'I don't see myself ever trusting you again. I can't trust you. I don't see this ever getting better' should I just stay patient and know that he doesn't mean what he says? Last night I asked him why he stayed with me and he answered that he doesn't want to be embarrassed by leaving and having to explain what happened. Hearing that hurt so bad... I asked the next morning if he meant what he said and he said he didn't mean it.

Like I said, we have so many good days that we open up to each other and he tells me what I'm doing right to help him heal and he tells me about his thoughts towards the infidelity.. But I hate the idea that maybe he's right and 10 years down the line we will still be struggling for trust in our marriage. I tell him that he needs to take one day at a time and focus on how I can help him in that moment.

it's normal....

hi there. 10 months is some time, but not an eternity and it's normal to still have flooding moments like that even a year later.  everyone is different, but some people deal with that for a long time.....you will only be struggling 10 years down the road IF you both want and allow that to happen.  don't believe that lie.  it's a trick of trauma and depression to make you think that way as it's safer to believe you won't be any better, than it is to go out on a limb and believe that 10 years down the road you'll be thriving and enjoying life like we are.  here are a couple helpful videos if you haven't seen them already on flooding and difficult conversations:  https://www.affairrecovery.com/groups/qa-how-can-i-have-more-productive-conversations-not-flooded-conversations-my-spouse  https://www.affairrecovery.com/qa-what-each-spouses-role-handling-triggers  you can by all means heal and not stay stuck, but 1. be patient 2. get help.  has he taken harboring hope at all?  that may be a good next step for him  3. stay close to the website and continuing to gain momentum as a couple and individual.  4. trust the process my friend.  

I appreciate your response!

I appreciate your response! Ive been on this page since day one of d day... It's definitely been so helpful. I wish my husband was willing to get the help that he needs. Unfortunately he has refused anything (main reasoning is it would be 'humiliating' to do any counseling or retreats... He doesn't even want to watch videos online) he also says he understands his emotions and doesn't need someone telling him how to feel. I believe him to a degree that he is pretty stable in his emotions but he's so heart broken.. It hurts to see him like that.

have you told him you need help?

have you communicated that you need this kind of help like a course or ems weekend?  what help have you or he received my friend?  so glad you're on the site.  thank you for posting and commenting.