Thank you, thank you, thank you, for finally explaining my internal struggle in a completely comprehensible way! My cheating spouse doesn't get why I am ok some days ( never "good", just "ok") and then the next, I act like a raving crazy lunatic. my internal struggle tells me that if I let my guard down, I WILL be hurt again. I already have been hurt by his infidelity and deception twice and found out it has been going on for the past 20 years. Nothing I see indicates that it won't happen again. So.... I will probably be guarded the rest of my life..should I have any hope that I can change that?

As unfaithful spouse I didn't understand how things could change so quickly. After great morning with my wife I commented that I expected rainbows when opening shades in our room, my wife would comment that the storm clouds probably weren't far away. Later over coffee she asked me again to take time to watch this as it may be helpful (she has been asking a while). This is so very helpful, I immed shared link with Hope for Healing group. I asked forgiveness for my poor reactions in past and hope to lean in and out and be patient.

I sit here laughing, yet pierced.
As with many of the other materials here, though I am the 'betrayed', I often am able to see myself as the unfaithful and my spouse as the betrayed. Let me explain:
For so many years, my spouse felt unloved, disrespected, unattractive and more. I believe a majority of this was due to 'the perfect storm' ie- ADHD, having children, working toward multiple degrees, naivety, ignorance and yes, laziness. This created a breeding ground for resentment that eventually came to flourish, blocking out light and reason, creating shadows that distorted my spouse's view of the past.
Whether it was their perception or my intent, reality is that my spouse was hurt and felt betrayed. How did they feel betrayed? I vowed to love, respect, cherish, take care of them in good and bad times, in times of plenty and times of little. The things that happened, or maybe more accurately, DIDN'T happen, betrayed these vows. My attention was focused everywhere else instead of where it should have been, God. (What?!? Didn't I mean to say 'my spouse'??? No.) if I keep my focus on God, He will make sure everything and everyone else is taken care of, including my spouse. If He is my #1 priority, then the rest of my priorities will align themselves properly.
Now, how did I get to this point from where I started? My spouse is having a hard time trusting that things won't go right back to the way they were in the past- when they were so unhappy, when they became vulnerable. They don't want to be vulnerable to possible pain and disappointment by me again; they don't want to be vulnerable to seeking/accepting comfort and admiration in an inappropriate place again; they don't want to be decaying on the inside by harboring anger and resentment again. 
Neither of us wants to have our heart, that is beginning to heal, pierced or crushed again. 
If we want to survive intact and thrive, yes, we'll have be safe enough for each other, working at being a trustworthy person again, but we will both have to be willing to be vulnerable to possible (honestly, inevitable) pain from the other.  I'm not saying inevitable betrayal. Maybe I should say inevitable disappointment.  But, that's simply part of life in a broken world and why I choose to try to keep my focus on the Healer, the Perfect Potter, who can take that which is crushed, torn apart, ugly,  and make it into something more beautiful than before.