A Conversation About Intimacy & Reconnection

After discovery or disclosure of an affair or sexual addiction, the betrayed partner is often overwhelmed with painful reminders, triggers, and insecurities. Re-engaging emotionally with the former unfaithful is difficult enough, but even the thought of resuming sexual activity with their mate can send hurt spouses into a panic spiral. As healthy as connection is, it is also terrifying to be vulnerable again, and both the betrayed and the unfaithful can be triggered in those intimate moments. When this happens there is a choice - to shut down, or slow down.

If you find yourself desiring connection more than disconnection, then being intentional, having a plan, and talking through complicated feelings with your spouse is key. While it may be difficult to believe, with the right resources, trauma work, and honest communication on both sides, your relationship can thrive and become even healthier and more fulfilling than ever. Join Samuel and Stephanie in an honest conversation about what it means to reconnect after infidelity, how to manage triggers, and how to move past temptations for comparison and unrealistic expectations.

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Being consistent with intentionality

I am the unfaithful. I struggle with being consistent with my intentions to engage with and pursue my wife. I believe that there are times when I do a great job at this, my wife would probably say it’s over the top. Then there are times when I fall back into old behaviors, I get comfortable so to speak. My wife is very good at calling me out when I’m not being intentional. Then the cycle starts again, I go over the top with intentionality for a while, then my engagement and pursuit drops off. Do you have any advice to help my lack of consistency?

Keep on Trying

Thank you for reaching out. My husband often reminds me that these recovery roads are all about progress and not perfection. The intentionality and going "over the top" is what you need to do to change the behavior you conditioned yourself into. It will feel awkward at times, but just keep that pattern going and eventually you and your spouse will find your new norm - and hopefully realize that the work was worth it!

Hello. Thank you for sharing what worked for you...

I love this.. and this is what we were doing for a time.. then I found out my husband was checking boxes. He never talked about what he was learning in H4H, never did the homework with me. The amends, the empathy exercises. I.also began to see a pattern of shame, secrets, and his desire to keep his past in past, and not process with me. After months and years of warning him that we were on a destructive path, that we needed into -me-see, humility, transparency, I disengaged.. he was no longer safe to talk to or process with. It always became about him. We have kids together, so I am here, but this year I put up a physical boundary. No physical.intimacy . No way I could fake my way thru even.. it was sadly obvious when we were together it was all about him. If I had a breakdown, or said slowdown. He would've walked out.i love the advice and ideas here, bought many recovery workbooks, notebooks for us, books for him. But he never had interest in doing the work with me. Somewhere along the line he fought for his right to be forgiven and free, over my request to develop deeper spiritual and emotional intimacy. So for the ladies and men out there with this story.. what us a good next step. 🤔 ?
Thank you

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