After the discovery of my wife’s infidelity, I felt shackled by the negative emotion that I carried. And the more I thought about it, the more intense it seemed to get. I’m not naturally one to explode emotionally, but I did one day when my failed attempts to forgive were too much to bear. Let me tell you how a puppy, a therapist, and a really good book helped me find my way to the freedom and peace forgiveness can bring.

A Puppy, A Therapist & A Really Good Book

A few months into our recovery, we made the horrible decision to get a puppy. Adding a helpless creature who needed us for everything was not a wise choice, but we did it because we thought it would be fun to have something we could do shoulder-to-shoulder in the midst of all the tension.

One day, as I was really struggling with forgiveness, we hit a particularly painful bump in our recovery work, and our new puppy had the audacity to act like a puppy. With muddy paws, he jumped on our white couch, and I lost my mind. I shoved our sweet golden retriever off the couch, screamed at him, screamed at my wife, and stormed out of the house.

No matter what my wife did to try to help, anger, bitterness, and resentment were always boiling beneath the surface for me. Before sharing more of my own story, it’s important to let you know:
1) Yes, the puppy was okay.
2) It’s important to understand the true meaning of forgiveness.

Forgiveness is not about being right, letting them off the hook, nor fixing the relationship. Forgiveness is about canceling the debt that is owed so you can be free. It’s about feeling peace with what happened and moving forward.

When I was embarrassingly recounting the incident with our therapist, he listened and then gave a suggestion. He recommended I read a book about forgiveness. I’d read a lot on forgiveness, so I was skeptical but said I’d try it.

The book was Forgiving & Reconciling by Everett Worthington Jr.¹* Within the first few pages, a light bulb went off. It described a concept that nobody else had put words to: unforgiveness.

Unforgiveness

Worthington describes unforgiveness as “delayed negative emotions involving resentment, bitterness, hostility, hatred, residual anger and residual fear.” It isn’t the negative emotion that happens right after discovery but the pile of emotion that builds and builds.

I felt like Worthington had a window into my life! He described two layers of work to break free from unforgiveness: “decisional forgiveness” (which I had done) and “emotional forgiveness” (which I desperately needed) where negative emotions of anger and resentment are replaced with positive ones like compassion and love.

I decided to embark on what Worthington calls the REACH Steps of Emotional Forgiveness. I did this in one of my favorite places: the Rocky Mountains. I grabbed my journal and the book, found an empty bench with nobody else around by a creek in the mountains, and began with the first step.

These steps will cause you to look inward in a way you haven’t done before. If you’re a person of faith, you will pray in a way you never have before as you ask God to help you through the rubble! (To hear the steps described in greater detail, click on the video above.)

Step 1: RECALL

The challenge here is to recall from the perspective of the one who hurt you.

This was new for me. I had written down what happened, even shared it with people, but I never did this from my wife’s vantage point. It took me a long time, and to be honest, I hated doing it. I knew emotional flooding would be counterproductive, so it was only through prayer and a lot of breaks and walks that I got through this step.

This step gave me a new level of understanding about the “why” of what had happened. It wasn’t an excuse but an explanation for the question: How in the world could she have done this?

Step 2: EMPATHY

The challenge here is to empathize by writing an apology letter from them explaining what happened and why.

This is the letter that part of you wishes you would receive, but you potentially won’t or never will. Unforgiveness had created so much unrest in my life that I was willing to endure the inward discomfort and pain if it meant I could break free.

This step was emotional. Tears were shed. During the process of writing the letter, a crazy, humbling but unfortunately true thought hit me: If I had had the same upbringing, wiring, wounds, fears, and circumstances—if that was instead my story and not hers, I could have been capable of doing the same thing.

Step 3: ALTRUISTIC FORGIVENESS

Altruism is where you choose to do something strictly for the benefit of another person. The challenge here is to forgive, not for yourself, but for your partner’s benefit. On the surface, it makes no sense. I had gotten into this journey because I wanted to be free, but now I had to shift my perspective entirely and ask: What if I forgave her, not for me, but for her?

I had begun to feel empathy and compassion for the pain and shame my wife was carrying. I remembered God’s forgiveness toward me. Forgiveness was a gift I could give her.

This step gave me something unexpected. It made me want freedom for my wife as much as I wanted it for myself. Through the foundation of understanding and empathy that the previous steps had created, I wrote down my choice to forgive as a gift to her, and for the first time, I genuinely wanted good and peace for her.

Step 4: COMMIT

The challenge here is to create a physical symbol of your forgiveness—something tangible that will reinforce the commitment to forgive.

This was a powerful step for me. As I sat by the creek, I saw stones all around me and remembered the story in the Gospels of the woman caught in adultery and how Jesus said, “Those without sin, throw the first stone.” I realized I had been one of those people in the crowd. I grabbed a stone from the creek, put it in my backpack, and got in my car. I drove to a trailhead, got out, and hiked up to the top of a mountain.

When I got to the peak, I got out the stone and left it there. This was my symbol of forgiveness.

Step 5: HOLD ONTO FORGIVENESS

The challenge here is to hold onto forgiveness when the feelings don’t cooperate. When anger or grief resurfaces, so can bitterness, and your choice has to be protected over time.

This was where reminders of my commitment became essential. I set the photo of the stone as the background on my phone and shared the journey with a few trusted friends.

This step gave me a way back when my heart wandered. Instead of starting over every time, I could return to what I had written, revisit each step, look at the picture of the stone that was sitting at the top of the mountain, and remember that I CHOSE to forgive.

This is my story of truly breaking free from unforgiveness and finding forgiveness. I found myself laughing again, experiencing joy without second guessing myself. And most importantly, I saw my wife differently. I believe if it can happen for me, it can happen for you too! Through the pain and discomfort, you can find freedom and joy again.

Your Journey

Hearing a story about someone else’s forgiveness does not create forgiveness for you. You must step into your own process. Where do you need to take your first step on your journey towards forgiveness? Perhaps buy the book by Worthington*. Or maybe set aside time to journal and process where you’re at. If you are experiencing any unforgiveness in your life, you might need to take a step further towards emotional forgiveness.

Consider signing up for EMS Online for couples or Harboring Hope for betrayed individuals, where you’re able to talk through forgiveness with others who understand and are going through a similar journey.

Wherever you are, take the next step towards freedom today. I’ll end with a prayer that gave me peace on my journey and I hope does the same for you: God, help me to feel in my heart, what I have chosen in my mind.