Q&A What do I do Since my Unfaithful Spouse Will Not be Honest?

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Question: 

Rick, we are just starting an EMS online program. I have an issue though that I can not seem to get resolution on.

The infidelity happened two years ago and through my own investigation now know that it involved multiple women. I discovered emails that he was sending to three different women who worked for him at 2 AM while he was traveling asking them to his room for a "nightcap". Initially he said it was just a drunken text and then I started really looking and found many other issues. All the signs were there as I look in retrospect: lost weight, new clothes, new underwear, texting at 2 AM (for work), leaving early for trips to have dinner with one of his female employees, pictures of the women on his phone, approving $400 a night romantic hotels for business trips, emailing one woman 24 times in one day, fighting for extravegant raises for female employees, being extremely disrespectful and abusive to me, etc.

He trickled some things out after the initial discovery but has always said that he only "thought about" having an affair.....nothing actually happened. He claims there were no other texts beyond the ones that I found......which I found out was also a lie. The husband of one of the women that he had texted at 2 AM also thought his wife was having an affair with my husband and sent him two threatening letters anonimously....one sent to his work threatening him and me (threatending to rape me)....and a second sent to our home threatening to attack my husband, rape me and rape our three daughters. We had to get the police involved. A detective was assigned. I got a written copy of the detective's investigation and it turns out that my husband had texted this man's wife on another occasion in a particularly salacitous way. Many other issues with this woman that I can't even begin to list.

Anyway, my husband failed a lie detector test, yet still maintains that nothing happened. I can't get him to be honest with me about his infidelities. I made the mistake of saying when I first discovered that "something" was going on that if he had had an affair I was leaving. I have calmed down since then, but he will not tell me the truth. We have been seeing other counselors and I believe one of them has told him that I don't need to know the whole story. I can not heal without the truth and here we are two years later and I hurt just as badly as D day. I know he is lying to me.

What can I do or the EMS online facilitator do to make him tell me the truth? I cry every day....I have stopped wearing my wedding ring. We have been married for 28 years and some of this was going on during our 25th anniversary celebration. He has traveled throughout our marriage and now not only has he rewritten the future of our marriage but also rewritten my perception of the past. I feel like I am living in some kind of weird vortex with no reality. He has made major changes to try to keep the marriage together, but will not be honest with me. Where do I go from here. No trust....no marriage.

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This is where I am...

I am at this point with my husband. He is not coming clean. He's not sleeping, starting to drink more and eat really horribly. I have finally reached a point that if he won't admit his problem and get help I will have to leave next month. It's not even about the marriage anymore. I want him to heal and work through this. To stop living a lie.

this is where i am too...

I am a few weeks into EMSO and i was told by a close friend that she saw my unfaithful spouse an AP together. I'm so upset and am struggling to stay in the program knowing he has been seeing her. I'm just so confused because he has really started to open up about the affair, even cry (which I never see him do)...only time will tell if we both stay in EMSO.

What type of affair was it?

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