Q&A What do I do Since my Unfaithful Spouse Will Not be Honest?

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Question: 

Rick, we are just starting an EMS online program. I have an issue though that I can not seem to get resolution on.

The infidelity happened two years ago and through my own investigation now know that it involved multiple women. I discovered emails that he was sending to three different women who worked for him at 2 AM while he was traveling asking them to his room for a "nightcap". Initially he said it was just a drunken text and then I started really looking and found many other issues. All the signs were there as I look in retrospect: lost weight, new clothes, new underwear, texting at 2 AM (for work), leaving early for trips to have dinner with one of his female employees, pictures of the women on his phone, approving $400 a night romantic hotels for business trips, emailing one woman 24 times in one day, fighting for extravegant raises for female employees, being extremely disrespectful and abusive to me, etc.

He trickled some things out after the initial discovery but has always said that he only "thought about" having an affair.....nothing actually happened. He claims there were no other texts beyond the ones that I found......which I found out was also a lie. The husband of one of the women that he had texted at 2 AM also thought his wife was having an affair with my husband and sent him two threatening letters anonimously....one sent to his work threatening him and me (threatending to rape me)....and a second sent to our home threatening to attack my husband, rape me and rape our three daughters. We had to get the police involved. A detective was assigned. I got a written copy of the detective's investigation and it turns out that my husband had texted this man's wife on another occasion in a particularly salacitous way. Many other issues with this woman that I can't even begin to list.

Anyway, my husband failed a lie detector test, yet still maintains that nothing happened. I can't get him to be honest with me about his infidelities. I made the mistake of saying when I first discovered that "something" was going on that if he had had an affair I was leaving. I have calmed down since then, but he will not tell me the truth. We have been seeing other counselors and I believe one of them has told him that I don't need to know the whole story. I can not heal without the truth and here we are two years later and I hurt just as badly as D day. I know he is lying to me.

What can I do or the EMS online facilitator do to make him tell me the truth? I cry every day....I have stopped wearing my wedding ring. We have been married for 28 years and some of this was going on during our 25th anniversary celebration. He has traveled throughout our marriage and now not only has he rewritten the future of our marriage but also rewritten my perception of the past. I feel like I am living in some kind of weird vortex with no reality. He has made major changes to try to keep the marriage together, but will not be honest with me. Where do I go from here. No trust....no marriage.

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This is where I am...

I am at this point with my husband. He is not coming clean. He's not sleeping, starting to drink more and eat really horribly. I have finally reached a point that if he won't admit his problem and get help I will have to leave next month. It's not even about the marriage anymore. I want him to heal and work through this. To stop living a lie.

this is where i am too...

I am a few weeks into EMSO and i was told by a close friend that she saw my unfaithful spouse an AP together. I'm so upset and am struggling to stay in the program knowing he has been seeing her. I'm just so confused because he has really started to open up about the affair, even cry (which I never see him do)...only time will tell if we both stay in EMSO.

Not telling me the truth

I just signed up got the recovery library. You have broached this problem but with all the various questions I don’t know if this has been discussed.

My husband had a five year affair with his office manager. She is 32 yrs younger than him. I treated her like my daughter giving her things and loving her. I have no children so it seemed good to me. Then she started abusing me with text messages as their affair started and continued. I knew he was emotionally involved with her but never thought it was sexual. She would taunt me with news throughout the day abt him even telling me when they went to business dinners. She changed completely towards me. When I confronted her with pictures of them together on his office bookcase, she told me to f—- myself. I told my husband and he said I probably provoked her. He always took her side. She was separated from her husband and they were in court abt the custody of their little boys. Her husbands attorney asked abt her relationship with my husband. She admitted the affair. So he was forced to tell me abt it too.

He fired her for not showing up to work not the affair. Thru were texting and calling each other for eight months after D day. This ended when her now fiancé threatened my husband to stop contacting her.

Two years Ltr I felt in my bones something wasn’t right. I confronted my husband to see if they were again in contact. He denied profusely but finally after hounding him relentlessly (which I’m not proud of) he told me she called him twice and he answered twice.

Now he says she hasn’t contacted him but from experience I the past I don’t believe him. She has manipulated him throughout their affair. She is very narcissistic in her personality. Always playing the victim and always thinking of just herself. I know her well after having a relationship with her myself.

My problem is I feel like I’m living in the past of their affair. Her calls opened up all my pain and anger. He won’t let me bring it up. When asked abt if she called again he gets furious. He says I have to get over it. It’s in the past. But it’s not for me. I told him I would divorce him if he talked to her again but I still haven’t followed through with that.

He won’t let me see his phone since that is the means of communication they use. What do I do please? He lives his life as everything in is the past. But it’s my present always anxious abt her calling him again. His therapist said to wait til she calls again and then break it off completely. But I don’t think he has the courage to to that. I’m in real pain daily having to work through the day with my doubts. He has no accountability to me. I don’t trust him. Please help me.
I don’t know what to to. Thank you so much.

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