Here’s Why We Want You to Get Over It….

How many times has the betrayed heard this statement: “You need to get over this and move on…?”

Once is enough to produce violent retribution in the mind of the betrayed I’m quite sure. To hear it time and time again is to communicate indifference, shame and to perpetuate the implication that you (the betrayed) do not matter. It further implies you do not have feelings which need to be validated or cared for and that what happened wasn’t that bad after all.

But we, the unfaithful, want you to get over it for a few reasons.  They are not necessarily dignified, and these are both facetious yet delicately accurate. They are reasons and we are seldom coherent to what is really going on early on in recovery so we push for you to get over it quickly.

Here are some reasons why we, the unfaithful, need you to get over it:

  1. If you don’t get over it, we’re not in control. We typically control much of life and much of the marriage and if you don’t get over it, we don’t feel in control. When we’re in control we feel empowered. It fuels our dysfunctional adrenaline.  We then are not ourselves and we then do not think straight. You not getting over it upsets the apple cart if you will and kicks against the bullying we use to make life and marriage work.
  2. If you make us talk about it, we feel shame. We don’t want to feel shame. Shame lies to us and makes us think WE are something bad, when in fact, WE are not something bad, but have done something (lots of things) bad and there is a huge difference. But we are not healthy enough and we need you to get over it so we don’t have to explore the raw and jaded darkness within our hearts, minds and souls. The more we talk about it the more we have to come to grips with the stupidity and selfishness within ourselves. Our heart rate spikes, our inner child cries and rages and we feel uncomfortable and in our selfishness, we don’t want to be uncomfortable. Life is about having a good time and just enjoying being in the present.
  3. If you don’t get over it, we have to humble ourselves and give you time to heal and we’re not about humility right now. We’ve justified this affair time and time again and you not being able to be "justified" into moving on doesn’t sit well with us. We need you to move on and move down the road as that’s what we do: we move on. We’re wrecking balls. We don’t stay and think through most of what we do as we’re living by emotion and living by craving.  So now, to have to explore why we did what we did, makes us insecure, scared and paused in our human wrecking ball tendencies.
  4. If you don’t just get over it, you empower yourself and we’re not used to that. You also take away the assumption power I have to just assume we will be OK and good to go. I’m at peace when at some level life is predictable and you’ll be here. When you don’t give me the impression that you’ll just be fine and follow my lead for the next days, weeks, months and years, then I’m uncertain and can’t assume anything. When I’m secure I’m in charge. When I’m in charge, I feel good. When you don’t stand up for yourself in terms of your feelings or reminders or triggers, I feel good and can stay on my auto-pilot which brought this whole thing up anyway: my autopilot.  My will. My needs. If you’ll just get over it, I’ll be fine and all I’m really thinking about right now is me.

 

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Samuel I so appreciate the

Samuel I so appreciate the many posts you make every one makes you think and in most cases that is a good thing. My wife has ne er said "just get over it" or anything like that she just says nothing, nothing at all, will turn away walk away almost anything to not talk about what happened. She closes in on herself and get's quiet. It does at times can seem like control but think it goes much deeper then that. I think it was you or Rick that said that the unfaithful ones will also not trust the betrayed ones. I think that is part of what is going on I have tried to talk to her about it but again not getting very far. I guess it will take time have made some small movement but not were I would.like to be. It is possible that some of what you have stated also applies just wanted to state that they do not always say "get over it" but some time just say nothing.
David

Does anyone who has been betrayed really "get over it"?

I am of the feeling that while the betrayed can get past the pain of betrayal and even rebuild trust and have a better marriage, I don't think he/she will ever truly "get over it". The pain and memory may be pushed to the "back burner" or some obscure file in the brain and not really be thought of during the trials of an everyday normalized life post-affair, but the memory will always be there, dormant, and any trigger can bring it back, even years later. I hope I can be proven wrong, especially since I'm only 2 months out from my second Dday, but right now, I can't imagine getting over it completely, ever. Too much damage has been done. I guess that's why they say you must forgive, but not forget. Thank you for your perspective, Samuel. You always make me think.

will it ever leave

we're several years out and it's not even a thought. she only gets triggered if i do something stupid or if there is some weird email which comes. two months out, in my opinion, is no time and it sounds like you've been through more than the average couple so I'd be careful to make long term evaluations in such a short time, after such a tragic amount of lying and deceit. we live a normal healthy life and fight more about money than anything else. when i say fight i mean discussions and normal married life. the memories are not there unless she actively, purposefully goes to them and digs them up. otherwise, she is very happy, very fulfilled, very confident in life and in our future. while my affairs were sordid and horrible, she has healed and has a wonderful relationship with me. there is hope. but you'll have to get some time under you and you'll have to get some long term healing before you'll begin some normal life. remember, your story is probably not the norm with that amount of back and forth, back and forth, it didn't happen, it did, this that and the other. i'll pray for you. you can move on and you can find healing. my wife loves her life and we've been married 20 years. sure if i do something stupid or get careless she can be brought back to moments and memories, but it's certainly not the norm at any level.

Karen58 you can in a sence

Karen58 you can in a sence get over it I maybe only a year out but it is not controlling me I have no triggers and have not for 8 months my anniversary has come and gone and was no big deal at all. I will never forget but the pain is gone and nothing has brought it back even finding my wife over visiting her AP did not flood me it was sad to think she seems to think it is ok to check in but it did not break me. So there is hope it will not be like preaffair time but it is ok. Our marriage is getting better there is still things to work on but I am still full of hope. Heal yourself first then work on the marriage, you have to heal your marriage does not have to.
David

the trouble is....

the trouble is...I'm not healing. Every few days or weeks, something new has come out that sends me back to square one. I want to heal myself. I am going to a therapist. We have done EMSW, but it did no good because he lied his way through it and was still with his AP the whole time he was making me think he wanted to work on the marriage. I am seriously stuck due to the intrusive thoughts that the anonymous package (with it's pictures, cards, etc that I received in the mail in July plus a huge text the AP sent me with graphic descriptions) brought forth. I can't seem to heal because I keep getting these "bombs" of information every so often that send me back. I wish he had just come clean 20 months ago when I saw the the affectionate texts he and she sent to each other. I keep telling him that giving me all the info I need is like a bandaid ---- just yank it off quickly, don't pull slowly. It will hurt a lot a first, but then the pain starts to heal. Just pulling slowly prolongs the pain. He just doesn't get it. And I am paying the price. So at this rate and because it has been so long and he has so callously watched me suffer for over 20 months , I seriously don't think I will ever "get over it". I may be able to push it to the back of my mind, but the hurt will remain until the day I die. I am glad so many on this site have been able to move past the pain. I do hope that I can, but I am not optimistic. Each situation is different. Each person is different. I want to heal, but until I know all the "bombs" have been detonated and no more are coming, I cannot even begin to heal. I live in fear of the one around the corner, still waiting for me. Very sad, I know, and it's no way to live. Forgiveness right now is cheap. I do it every morning and several times a day, yet I don't feel it. It is not freeing me like it is supposed to. I hope that my therapist can finally get me to a place of acceptance and from there maybe to forgiveness. After that, hopefully some healing can begin....once the bombs have stopped. Thank you for your encouragement, David. I do appreciate it. I wish I could be more like you.

Karen58 you can not expect to

Karen58 you can not expect to have hope right now you have been brought back to ground zero. The last 20 months have been nothing but a bad dream and now that you have woken up you find out it is even worse now then the dream. All the pain has come rushing back in all the lieing has come to light in some ways it is worse then it was at first, so I understand you are not in the same place as me. But the big difference is I am healed but back to you not me you have a few decisions you have to make the first is to get you healed first and do what ever needs to be done to help bring that about. For me I used my faith and the bible. It was not me but Christ working in me that brought the healing. I look back and I am still amazed, I am not kidding it seemed that every sermon was for me were I was at that time and what I needed. Even the worship songs bright me peace. God is a God of love and that is what i focused on love. When I was able to trully understand that it is God's love that has power and not my wife's that I find the real value of my life through him that I was able to heal. I give God all the glory not me. It can take a while to realy get your head around that but when you can healing can take place. I was able to heal in about 5 months from d-day and that is also finding out a month and a half in that there was a year and a half online affair with an old boy friend with some very graphic sex stories shared back and forth. They did get together twards the end when she took a trip back home. And I have copies I can read them today and do not get flooded just feel sad. Not at her for what she had done but that she never shared anything like that with me. I do not dwell on it just saying you can heal. My wife has not and is not completely honest with me about what happened. I have been able to put the pieces together for myself but that is not the concern for me at this time it us were we go from here that trully matters this whole thing really broke me I did understand I was not the husband I should have need it fid take a while for me to understand thst it was not anything I did or did not do that caused her to do what she did but I did understand I was not the living husband I should have been so much of my time has been spent in learning and being the best husband I can be. To learn to love in a way that even she will know just how much I love her. One of the things that I prayed for was to be able to love my wife more then I did before. And God has given me the live for my wife I had not had in a very long time. There is hope for you you can love your husband again this can all be put behind you you can be pain free, thst is what I am saying the time it takes depends on how long it takes you to understand just how wonderful you are and that you do not need your husband to know this. Weather or not you will be able to save your marriage I do not think anyone can say I just know you can find piece.

Confirmation

I have suspected for a while that this might be the reasons but me thinking it sounded and felt very obnoxious. Thank you for your real and authentic posts. I find them most helpful.

beautiful mess...

thank you for commenting....and for your kind words about the blog. the mind gets crazy when you're in trauma. also, this pain is horribly isolating and one of the best things you can do is find a community of support from those who are also going through it or have gone through it for perspective and insight. to do it alone makes it even harder in some dark way. i know this from personal experience. anything i can ever do, please feel free to reach out.

Getting over it

The most deflating comment I get from my unfaithful spouse when I need to process my hurt is, 'Here we go again..."
He thinks that since I have chosen to forgive, I should just get over it. But I still get triggered. His response makes all my efforts to heal and move on seem so wasted and unappreciated.

deflation....

anonymous that's so sad. it just rips your heart out for sure. here's a good article to have him read: https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/after-an-affair-why-co... it may give some insight into why you need to be able to talk about it for a season, then heal and move forward.
keep in mind the internal conflict it creates in him when you want to talk and process, which then moves him to respond out of shame and hurt and confusion. it's a horrible cycle which goes on inside of him that he'll need help to unravel and walk out of. he most certainly can but not on his own. have you been able to get any help? have you considered any of the programs here on the site? the ems weekend or ems online course will help foster a 'safe' environment to talk it through in a safe non shaming way ya know? you may also want to show him some of the articles on the site to see if that helps him realize some things. most of the time we will not hear things from our spouse, but we will 'get it' if you will, when an expert third party shares things with us. that my be an idea to consider? i hope that helps. i'm sorry it's so hard for you both. here is some help with reminders and triggers as well: https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/reminders
if i can do anything else to help please let me know.

Revealing

I admire Samuel for posting this revealing, and brutally honest blog. If I had a dollar for every get over it, move forward, here it goes again, from my cheating wife I'd be rich. This interspersed through 3 or more DDay's where new information was discovered, and knowing that's the worst thing a cheater can say. It's about desperately trying to stay in control, blocking out reality of their behavior, fear of intimacy and vulnerability. Some like mine refuse to read, talk, listen. Counselors are acceptable because they are only 1 hour per week and treat with kid gloves. It is sad how such behavior delays or prevents true healing that can be possible. For 2 years now I have been unable to figure out how to get my wife to listen to someone, something, tell her to come forward, come clean all the way and face it head on. Instead we add more debris to the wreckage.

I WANT TO GET OVER IT!

My husband has not once told me to just get over it. He has not pushed me to hurry with my healing. It's been over three months since Dday and he answers every question without anger. He's working hard to make amends. So on the contrary to the article, I'm the one who wants to get over it. I'm sick and tired of being scared. I'm sick and tired of being in pain. I'm sick and tired of crying. I'm sick and tired of the emotional flooding. I JUST WANT TO GET OVER IT and move into that better place so many people say is out there waiting for us.

wanting to get over it LRaye

i'm glad you want to get over it. my q, would be what have you done to help yourself get over it? you just can't do it on your own and you can't do it without outside, expert help. without that, you'll remain stuck. have you taken the bootcamp on the site? have you taken harboring hope at all? many a betrayed gets sick and tired, but without the right kind of help you'll just stay stuck in the pain and triggers and reminders. there is hope for sure. but you have to take the right kind of action to heal.....

one month

It has been one month, and I heard "just get over it" on the first night (D-Day)..and each of the 3 times I've brought it up since then. But each time he is angry and indignant, "just get over it", he says. It meant nothing, your'e upset over nothing, your'e paranoid...and yet, now he is secretive with his phone, his laptop has disappeared from our room, and he takes the mail to work before opening it. He tells me that monogamy is an unrealistic expectation, invented by women. He say the problem is my emotional immaturity and jealousy. If I would just "grow up" I would see that HE is more evolved in his thinking....his cold, hard, thinking. no compassion. no empathy. nothing.

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