Here’s Why We Want You to Get Over It…. How many times has the betrayed heard this statement: “You need to get over this and move on…?” Once is enough to produce violent retribution in the mind of the betrayed I’m quite sure. To hear it time and time again is to communicate indifference, shame and to perpetuate the implication that you (the betrayed) do not matter. It further implies you do not have feelings which need to be validated or cared for and that what happened wasn’t that bad after all. But we, the unfaithful, want you to get over it for a few reasons. They are not necessarily dignified, and these are both facetious yet delicately accurate. They are reasons and we are seldom coherent to what is really going on early on in recovery so we push for you to get over it quickly. Here are some reasons why we, the unfaithful, need you to get over it: If you don’t get over it, we’re not in control. We typically control much of life and much of the marriage and if you don’t get over it, we don’t feel in control. When we’re in control we feel empowered. It fuels our dysfunctional adrenaline. We then are not ourselves and we then do not think straight. You not getting over it upsets the apple cart if you will and kicks against the bullying we use to make life and marriage work. If you make us talk about it, we feel shame. We don’t want to feel shame. Shame lies to us and makes us think WE are something bad, when in fact, WE are not something bad, but have done something (lots of things) bad and there is a huge difference. But we are not healthy enough and we need you to get over it so we don’t have to explore the raw and jaded darkness within our hearts, minds and souls. The more we talk about it the more we have to come to grips with the stupidity and selfishness within ourselves. Our heart rate spikes, our inner child cries and rages and we feel uncomfortable and in our selfishness, we don’t want to be uncomfortable. Life is about having a good time and just enjoying being in the present. If you don’t get over it, we have to humble ourselves and give you time to heal and we’re not about humility right now. We’ve justified this affair time and time again and you not being able to be "justified" into moving on doesn’t sit well with us. We need you to move on and move down the road as that’s what we do: we move on. We’re wrecking balls. We don’t stay and think through most of what we do as we’re living by emotion and living by craving. So now, to have to explore why we did what we did, makes us insecure, scared and paused in our human wrecking ball tendencies. If you don’t just get over it, you empower yourself and we’re not used to that. You also take away the assumption power I have to just assume we will be OK and good to go. I’m at peace when at some level life is predictable and you’ll be here. When you don’t give me the impression that you’ll just be fine and follow my lead for the next days, weeks, months and years, then I’m uncertain and can’t assume anything. When I’m secure I’m in charge. When I’m in charge, I feel good. When you don’t stand up for yourself in terms of your feelings or reminders or triggers, I feel good and can stay on my auto-pilot which brought this whole thing up anyway: my autopilot. My will. My needs. If you’ll just get over it, I’ll be fine and all I’m really thinking about right now is me.
