How Can I Get Through to My Unfaithful Spouse?

Today Samuel discusses what typically brings change in an unfaithful spouse: pain, the threat of loss and consequences.

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Part of what you said hit me

Part of what you said hit me like a baseball bat – it's not until the pain is worse than the pleasure until something changes.
I am the betrayed. I think that scenario applied to, not only me, but also my spouse. I think that the pain he endured, in dealing with my ADHD (The feelings of loneliness, rejection, disrespect, being ignored/2nd fiddle, a chaotic and cluttered house) became worse than the pleasure (along with several other things, including a lack of true communication & intimacy). For me, the pain of his infidelity, was my 'rock bottom'that made me wake up, realize the depth & reality of his pain. Now, we are in limbo, do we each choose to stay or choose to go? It seems it should be simple- we both love each other immensely, but "the pain of the past is amplifying our fears for the future". We've been married for 20 years. He fears that the changes that have occurred will not be lasting and he'll be tossed right back into the cycle of things improving for a little while, then getting bad again. I fear that he could emotionally attach himself to another and at minimum, have another emotional affair, and now that the line has been crossed, possibly another physical affair as well.
I would at least like to try for resolution, but he doesn't know if he wants to come or go and simply start a new, and has been this way for well over a year now. I fear losing him altogether, without knowing if we could have made it or not, but am about to the point that the pain of limbo is more than I can handle.

I am at this point.

I have a few things that are straight up deal breakers. And it was worded for me like this: you have choices. We all do. I choose to say faithful and honor my commitment in all areas. I am choosing to believe that you made some bad choices without taking time to think through how your actions have a direct effect on other. I am choosing to forgive you and trying my hardest to work through it all. But should you choose to A) lie to me B) cheat in anyway C) contact any AP D) not show total transparency then you are choosing a divorce. There will be no discussion. There will be no option left.
However he drags his feet on recovery work and I think without it than the likely hood of him relapsing is so great that I find myself pulling back, putting a guard up, and bracing myself for another bomb to destroy my world.
Another great article Samuel. Thank you for your honestly.

Moving my foot

I'm not sure what moving my foot looks like in this case. I am not ready to tell him "recover or get out." But I know from the past how effective boundary setting can be. I just don't know how to do it.

pta...

pta, try this article: https://www.affairrecovery.com/dealing-infidelity-how-get-your-mate-cooperate-without-being-controlling then watch this blog for some help on how to do it: https://www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/they-get-say-no-life-going-change i would identify a few things you want to see. it's not going to work to say 'recover'....I think you'll need to identify a few attainable things like the ems weekend, the ems online, or something of the sorts. that way it's a bit measurable and identifiable. if you don't have it be something measurable you won't be able to see if there is true progress or not, ya know? Does that make sense?

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