Self Pity: Part 1

Samuel begins a new series on the unfaithful's journey through self pity after the disclosure of infidelity and affairs.

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Thank you, Samuel!

Terrific blog, Samuel. You have hit the nail on the head. I am the betrayed, and my husband is doing pretty well with self -pity, BUT, he could do much better. When I am having triggers/images and horrible feelings about how worthless I am, my husband retreats into his shame and self-pity and can't seem to see that I NEED empathy and compassion. I like what you said at the end of this blog, that the unfaithful need to let go of their self -pity to have compassion for their spouse. And I also thought what you said about how no matter how bad things were in the marriage, there is NO justification for the unfaithful to have an affair or in the case of my husband, cheat with prostitutes for 28 years. Your blogs are so helpful, and I want to thank you again so much for your great insights and perceptions.

thank you jeh53...

you're so thoughtful to say those kind words. thank you. encourages me more than you know. yes, self-pity is so shame based. it is very true. i'm working on some follow up thoughts in terms of how self pity is so shame based and we as unf choose the lesser shame of self pity instead of the higher shame of what we have done to you which then transitions into empathy. it will get clearer, but it's a journey. thank you for watching and sharing.

Samuel, I always appreciate

Samuel, I always appreciate your perspective. Thank you!
I am the betrayed and I saw a lot of myself in some of the things you said. I've been in a pity party for 3 and a half years and just finally beginning to emerge from the deep dark pit I had dug for myself. I'm trying desperately to find some compassion for my husband, but since he has drip-fed the info to me over all this time, I have had a difficult time with it. I just found out a new detail 2 weeks ago that should have been disclosed when we did our "ground zero" lesson. After doing this for 3 and half years, I am exhausted emotionally and am keeping my guard up and my heart distanced. Probably not the best way for me to handle myself....but necessary for me at this point since I really don't know if I have full disclosure or not and am still waiting for the next shoe to drop! So I stay in my dark hole most of the time and if I'm honest, feeling sorry for myself!

I know this is a series you will be presenting for a few sessions, so I'm looking forward to your perspective on how the betrayed should handle feeling self-pity. Thanks again for all you do.

Thanks for this

Guess I did not realize what was going on, but this explains a lot. I guess I am the pity party crasher.

party crasher...

slm, thanks for the comment. inherently yes, you are the party crasher. not because you want to be per se, but because inherently you interrupt the dysfunction of pity party and self absorption. it's tough. i know. but he's probably dealing with a ton of shame. he's more than likely choosing to wallow in self pity than go to the deeper place and deal with his own embarrassment, shame and sadness. there is hope though for you and your own healing. if there is anything I can do count me in. i'll be praying.

Selff Pity 1 & 2

Great vlogs ! Loved everything about both of them Its funny as the betrayed i am trying to find that balance between not saying anything and be baited into an argument and maybe saying too much. Its funny that some important words are missing from the unfaithful\'s vocabulary.
Words like "I'm sorry" or "I take responsibility for what i did" or anything even remotely associated with remorse just don't seem to exist.
I want to hear about the betrayed's self pity because I fight that issue EVERY DAY and I am absolutely tired of it.
Thanks again

thank you tm55

thanks so much for your feedback. many have asked the same question so I just did a vlog this am on the self pity of the betrayed. should be out next week sometime. thanks for watching and sharing my friend.


I started listening to your blogs about a year ago. They have helped a lot. My D day was 2/13/23. I’m still struggling. I have tried to find a therapist who specializes in infidelity but have not been successful so far. Do you still counsel?

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-D, Texas