What Should the Unfaithful Spouse Do When the Betrayed Spouse Won't Get Help?

Samuel answers a viewers question about what to do when their betrayed spouse won't get help.

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Patience... how long

Patience... take as much time as you need. I'm here.... how long does this continue? I'm the unfaithful from over 12 years ago.. I'm now the betrayed fresh from just 15 months ago with everything now out in the open between us. And yet I'm beat up for my past. And his is ignored, never talked about, never addressed. It's always me and what I did because mine far outnumbered his. I take it... all the time.. marriage counseling is a joke. Individual counseling is a joke. His current wish? to die..for the Lord to just take him.. because of what I did all those years back. his depression is major.. yet he seeks no help.. my love for him is deep, to the depths of the earth's core and back.. but I'm slowly dying on the inside. I'm so tired of being beaten up. so exhausted. yet I take it.. cuz apparently I deserve it. now the betrayed and dying.

that's up to you....

you have to decide for you my friend.  if you feel like it's time to move on, then it's time.  if you don't feel like it's time then maybe you hold on for a while?  12 years is a long time.  what's kept you there for that long?  what's your motivation to stay in that situation?

 

Staying

I broke 14 years ago when he said something to me and rejected me for a deep dark secret I told him. Emotionally and mentally I became lost and dealt with his rejection in a horrific way. With a handful of men. Never told him. Pushed it out of my mind. Blocked it all and just kept it a secret. Failed again after nearly 2 years and had an affair which resulted in a child. We divorced. His want, not mine. We got back together and remarried 10 months later. Fast forward to dec 14 2017 when I find out he’s been having an 8 month long EA and PA. This is on top of the 2 other affairs he had within an 8 week period right when we first got back together. So, during a weekend away about 3 weeks after I find out about his affair, I tell him about what happened from 13 years ago. And of course over the next few months it’s the famous trickle truth.... because that’s what we do when we are so afraid of more hurt towards our loved ones. FF to now.... 1 year into this so called recovery in which I’M the problem. MY indiscretions are the sole focus. ALL THE TIME. Our marriage counseling always turns into a one on one with hubby and the focus being on my past. I stopped going. No point. Hubby has ALWAYS held on to the past. From childhood to now. Doesn’t let anything go. Ever. I’m not saying forgive and forget. I know this takes time. But when steps are continually being made BACKWARDS then we get nowhere and fast. I’m tired of all the focus being on me and what I did. His affairs are never addressed. I’m the rootball of his major depression, his longing to be dead.... to jump off a building.

I told him, take all the time you need. I’m here and I’ll be here. Just like your video said. Yeah, that didn’t work out do well.

I’m here still because I believe in this fight. Our marriage. That recovery can happen. I refuse to quit. To give up. At just one year into the entire truths coming out from my affairs of over 14 years ago and finding out about his affair too. But I can’t fight this battle singlehanded. Or can I?

Back and forth

My husband was raised in a very toxic environment. He can be quite emotionally immature and I sometimes over react and then I feel immature.
How do I make our environment safer so that he is less reluctant to talk about uncomfortable issues. I have seen a counselor. He will not. How do I make a safer environment? So close to giving up at this point even thought he has said he will do anything to save our marriage.

Thank you!

I'm the unfaithful in this exact position. I have sought help through counseling and a 12-step program. I have been making changes in my life that my betrayed spouse recognizes and acknowledges she sees in my actions. We're now in year 4 of recovery, and she won't seek individual counseling, won't participate in a recovery group, won't even talk to another betrayed spouse. We did some couples counseling last year, but her participation was minimal.

She isn't angry or emotional. We remain good roommates and co-parents, but there is no movement to reconcile the marriage. Affection, vulnerability, and emotional intimacy are minimal to non-existent in our relationship.

I stay for the kids and suspect she does as well.

i'm sorry saa...

have you considered/prayed/meditated (whatever or wherevere it is you find peace) about how long you can continue to go like this?  it's a question you must ask yourself and only you know the answer?  if you subscribe to faith, then you may find answers there.  if not, then perhaps it's inside, through clarity and insight and expert help.  you may not ever see a change and if so, are you going to stay or are you going to end it? i would consider setting a date and then not micromanaging or deciding every week or month, but waiting till that date and deciding by then.