Is it Narcissism? Explaining Your Spouse's Behavior

If you are the betrayed spouse, I want to ask you a question. Does talking to your partner about the infidelity feel like you're walking into a thick fog of confusion? Does it sometimes feel like a wrestling match where you always come out the loser?

You were the one betrayed, yet somehow, you end up labeled as the "bad guy" even though they were the one who cheated in the marriage. You get hooked into thinking they might really want to understand your experience, so you try to explain your pain, hoping for a moment of connection. But your words always seem to get twisted, thrown back on you, and suddenly, they are the victim. You are left wondering how the conversation went off the rails. If this "crazy cycle" feels familiar, even when you try to share feelings not related to the affair, you may be dealing with more than just the aftermath of an infidelity. You may be dealing with a pattern of grandiosity.

Defining Grandiosity & Narcissism: A "Functional Blindness"

The labels "narcissism" and "grandiosity" are often used as weapons, but it is more helpful to think of them as traits on a spectrum. To be honest, all of us have these traits. We need them to a certain extent in order to advocate for our needs. However, when these traits become dominant-when they crowd out the needs and perspectives of others over and over again-that person has moved too far on the scale of grandiosity.

Grandiosity is not a character flaw but a pattern of protection that serves as functional blindness. It isn't necessarily a lack of love, but it is a temporary-or sometimes permanent-inability to see outside one's own experience. In the heat of a grandiose state, another person's feelings simply don't register as real or important.

A person operating from grandiosity often possesses a "better-than" mindset. This is a subtle internal narrative that says: The rules just don't apply to me right now, or I deserve more than what I'm getting. Because they are operating from a place of "shamelessness" to avoid deep-seated shame, they lack the ability to take true ownership. This leads to a shield of defensiveness and a survival reflex we call blame-shifting, used to keep away from that terrible feeling of shame, ultimately resulting in a form of emotional "stuckness."

The Precursor to the Affair

It is a hard truth to hear, but no affair happens unless the offender is in a state of grandiosity-even if it is a temporary state. They have to believe that, in that moment, the rules don't apply to them, or they wouldn't do what they do!

When a person's focus shifts entirely toward their own unmet needs and away from the impact on their partner, the validation found in an affair becomes an incredibly powerful pull. This is often driven by an External Locus of Control. When a person cannot regulate their own worth or emotions internally, they become dependent on being adored, "fed," or worshipped by others to feel okay. Oftentimes, this person feels like the victim and becomes susceptible to the "ingredients of limerence" because they need more and more of that external validation to stay afloat.

The real danger is that grandiosity acts as a massive barrier to recovery. After discovery, it is normal for an offender to be scared. Most people do try to "trickle truth" information or make excuses at first. However, a person who is not stuck in grandiosity eventually comes around. They come to see their partner's pain, and they "break."

But a person stuck in a narcissistic mindset hears their partner's trauma, and instead of empathy, they react with anger. They tell their spouse to "just get over it" or complain that the partner is being "unfair" by not forgiving them immediately. They aren't connecting to the heart; they are only connecting to their own discomfort. This lack of self-awareness means they remain blind to their own vulnerable feelings of fear and guilt, leaving the betrayed spouse feeling entirely alone in the fog.

Steps for Both Spouses

If you are the betrayed partner, your first step is to gain clarity and awareness. Clarity is when you start to step away from the cycle and watch the dynamic almost from the view of an outside third party. You need to realize that you cannot "explain" your way into their heart if they are operating from a state of grandiosity.

I highly recommend that you seek your own counseling. You've likely been living in a fog with these traits in your marriage for a long time-perhaps even before the infidelity. A counselor can help you see that more clearly and help you address issues like co-dependency, trauma, or enmeshment with the other person's feelings. You deserve to find solid ground again, even if the marriage is still in the fog.

If you are the unfaithful partner and some of this "rings a bell," don't let shame shut you down! That shame is exactly what has kept the grandiosity alive. There is a way out, but it requires a brave level of honesty.

You have to be willing to look at the "little boy" or "little girl" inside who was hurt and realize that your defense mechanisms are now destroying the person--the people you love. This nearly always requires help from a trained therapist who specializes in grandiosity.

The Power of Community and Empathy

For both of you, the most important step is to get into community. You simply cannot do this in isolation.

I have the privilege of serving couples every month through our EMS Weekend, a three-day intensive designed specifically to break these cycles. Part of the design is to help the unfaithful partner see the impact of the betrayal and guide them on how to express true empathy. We do this with respect, not by trying to shame anyone.

True healing from infidelity doesn't just fix the marriage, it heals the old, underlying wounds that made the marriage vulnerable in the first place. There IS hope. I have seen couples move from the blindness of grandiosity into true and genuine humility and connection. It takes work and time, but the payoff is exponential.

Here are a few additional resources* if you'd like to learn more on narcissism and grandiosity:

• For both partners: Explore the work of Tim Fletcher, Terry Real's The New Rules of Marriage/a>, or Bob Hamp's teachings on the "Misassignment of Responsibility."
• For the betrayed: Read When Loving Him Is Hurting You by David B. Hawkins or The Emotionally Destructive Marriage by Leslie Vernick.
• For the unfaithful: Read So, You've Been Called a Narcissist, NOW WHAT? by David Hawkins and John Hudson.