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blockages to openness

Samuel, this is spot on with where we’re at in our recovery. She is currently taking the Hope for Healing but it all seems so secrete. Which gives me a bit of a trigger sometimes. She keeps saying that she is working on her but I have to do mine myself. I just want to keep the communication open and she just doesn’t open up about this unless I push. We both watched this video and came away with 2 different perspectives. How can I get her to see we are both in the boat and need to openly talk to each other?
J

tough call...

anonymous, it's  a tough call.  thanks for watching and posting.  you may not be able to.  if she doesn't get it right now, you may need to let her do the hope for healing course and then set a date to talk about things more.  maybe what woud be good and helpful would be to say, ok I get you can't talk right now and that's totally fine.  but, we need to set a date. so in two weeks, we'll go have coffee/a drink/a nice meal and sit and have some discussion about what we've both been learning and understanding over the next two weeks?  then maybe you move to once a week.  see how she takes that?  

if she doesn't agree to that, then it's concerrning my friend.  if she won't agree to talk about things, then you're going to have to 

maybe ask rick in his expert q and a sessions to address it, which is found here:  https://www.affairrecovery.com/members/courses/ricks_qa/emso?category=-4  you all have access as she is in the hope for healing course.  

Not really related to the

Not really related to the video, but your comment. I'm in Harboring Hope. Does that give me spouse access to videos, etc?

confirmation bias

Samuel, She finally wanted to talk about her session last night. This would be the 1st time she has brought it up and the 2nd time we’ve discussed a session. The 1st was me asking her to share. Like most videos we watch or blogs we read she only likes to talk about the ones where she can pull an arrow and fire something back at me. Not just “ I see where/how I’ve hurt our family and this session/blog has made me realize this.” It’s mostly, “It says here that you have to be responsible for your healing and I need to focus on me.” To me, she uses confirmation bias when looking for help for us. Finding only things that reinforce her view. I guess we all do that to a certain degree..
She is going to SLAA. Sometimes seems to be empowering her to push back which would ok if she was a single sex/love addict but we’re married with children and her “push back” comes off as defensive and hurtful. Thank you so much for your time. We appreciate you all.
Jack

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